Unorthodox Professions For a Muppet

by EVAN SIMKO-BEDNARSKI, guest blogger

1. Neurosurgeon
2. Hit-man
3. Puppeteer
4. Dry Cleaner
5. Firefighter
6. Actuary
7. Underwear Model
8. Attorney General
9. Hostage Negotiator
10. Professor of German Studies

Meanest Things Said Today By One of My Miserable, Miserable Coworkers

1. How hard do I have to frown at people before they realize that I don't like them?
2. So I went to go say hi to ___ today. That was my first mistake, obviously.
3. Did you hear ___ quit? Not like anyone will even notice.
4. I'm throwing my fucking back out frowning at everyone over here, it's exhausting.
5. Oh really? That's interesting. Let me set my Google News Alert to "fuck you".

Best Things People Sometimes Do When You Make Them Laugh Unexpectedly

1. Snort
2. Weep
3. Have a coughing fit, hopefully one in which they violently spit out a mouthful of liquid
4. Pee a little
5. Slam their fist on the tabletop and make the teacups clatter
6. Get angry (if they don't like laughing)
7. Veer their car off the road into a cornfield
8. Embrace Jesus
9. Catch on fire and launch into space
10. Barf

Random Facts I Learned Over the Weekend

1. Urban developer Robert Moses held political power through the offices of six consecutive governors of New York and five consecutive NYC mayors.

2. The tribe of Native Americans that Christopher Columbus first encountered upon landing in the Bahamas was called the Arawaks, and the small pieces of gold that they wore as ear-ornaments inspired him to mine for gold throughout the Caribbean.

3. If you fall asleep while standing in a bagel store, you forfeit your place in line.

Things I Hate More Than Mosquitoes

1.

Possible Titles For a Memoir of My New YorkCity Years

1. Why Does Everything Have to Smell Like Cigarettes and Poop?: A Memoir

Dr. Pepper/Rapper Game Answers!

Thanks to everybody who gave their best guesses on yesterday's quiz. If you're like me, you will be delighted to learn that out of the 15 names below, only two are rappers: Dr. Octagon and D-Nice. All the rest are Dr. Pepper knockoffs, which Jonathan and Dan found on this site, Fake Dr. Pepper Land. Check it out; there are so many more there in the incredibly extensive gallery that didn't make it into the quiz. My personal favorite is Giant Eagle Brand's "Mr. aahh".

Pop Quiz: Dr. Pepper Knockoff or Rapper?

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER and DAN MORRIS, guest bloggers

1. Dr. Octagon
2. Dr. K
3. Doc Holiday
4. Mr. Sipp Soda
5. Select Dr. D
6. Dr. Riffic
7. Dr. Smooth
8. D-Nice
9. Doc Shasta
10. Dr. Schnee
11. Dr. Randall
12. Dr. HyTop
13. Dr. Dazzle
14. Dr. Radical
15. Dr. Delight

Post your guesses in comments...answers in tomorrow's post. No cheating!

You Will Be Missed, Bea

My heroine.

Overheard at Work: Holidays Edition

Note: I work at a national radio network. These are real.

I. St. Patrick's Day

Board Operator: Can I drink beer in the studio today?
Programming Director: Weren't you the one who spilled champagne on the studio controls and shorted out the phone system on election night?
Board Operator: God, that happened ONE TIME, okay??


II. Earth Day

Board Operator, to radio host, before show: Okay so for Earth Day, do you want me to get the kid pooping in the bucket?
Host: Yes.