Unorthodox Professions For a Muppet

by EVAN SIMKO-BEDNARSKI, guest blogger

1. Neurosurgeon
2. Hit-man
3. Puppeteer
4. Dry Cleaner
5. Firefighter
6. Actuary
7. Underwear Model
8. Attorney General
9. Hostage Negotiator
10. Professor of German Studies

Meanest Things Said Today By One of My Miserable, Miserable Coworkers

1. How hard do I have to frown at people before they realize that I don't like them?
2. So I went to go say hi to ___ today. That was my first mistake, obviously.
3. Did you hear ___ quit? Not like anyone will even notice.
4. I'm throwing my fucking back out frowning at everyone over here, it's exhausting.
5. Oh really? That's interesting. Let me set my Google News Alert to "fuck you".

Best Things People Sometimes Do When You Make Them Laugh Unexpectedly

1. Snort
2. Weep
3. Have a coughing fit, hopefully one in which they violently spit out a mouthful of liquid
4. Pee a little
5. Slam their fist on the tabletop and make the teacups clatter
6. Get angry (if they don't like laughing)
7. Veer their car off the road into a cornfield
8. Embrace Jesus
9. Catch on fire and launch into space
10. Barf

Random Facts I Learned Over the Weekend

1. Urban developer Robert Moses held political power through the offices of six consecutive governors of New York and five consecutive NYC mayors.

2. The tribe of Native Americans that Christopher Columbus first encountered upon landing in the Bahamas was called the Arawaks, and the small pieces of gold that they wore as ear-ornaments inspired him to mine for gold throughout the Caribbean.

3. If you fall asleep while standing in a bagel store, you forfeit your place in line.

Things I Hate More Than Mosquitoes

1.

Possible Titles For a Memoir of My New YorkCity Years

1. Why Does Everything Have to Smell Like Cigarettes and Poop?: A Memoir

Pop Quiz: Dr. Pepper Knockoff or Rapper?

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER and DAN MORRIS, guest bloggers

1. Dr. Octagon
2. Dr. K
3. Doc Holiday
4. Mr. Sipp Soda
5. Select Dr. D
6. Dr. Riffic
7. Dr. Smooth
8. D-Nice
9. Doc Shasta
10. Dr. Schnee
11. Dr. Randall
12. Dr. HyTop
13. Dr. Dazzle
14. Dr. Radical
15. Dr. Delight

Post your guesses in comments...answers in tomorrow's post. No cheating!

Best Ways to Get Your Car Washed for Free

1. Drive through shallow lake
2. Drive through waterfall
3. Trick your neighbor into doing it for you by switching your license plates with his
4. Have kids, wait 10 years
5. Trick your cat into doing it for you
6. Sell your car to a clean person, buy it back
7. Sit on hood, read Bridge to Terabithia and wash it with your tears
8. Cover it in chocolate syrup and get real hungry
9. Put it in the dishwasher
10. Make a car out of soap

Words That Get On My Nerves For Some Reason

1. Twitter
2. Tweet
3. Tween
4. Twee
5. Teeny
6. Teeter
7. Twit
8. Toot
9. Tort
10. Staycation

Best New Baby Names of 2009

1. Klev
2. Klarn
3. Beggles
4. Fink
5. Delgrab
6. Wouters
7. Rindin
8. Saldo
9. Mardo
10. Gary

Things You Can Get From a Dude on the NYC Subway

1. Directions
2. Glared at
3. Batteries, one dollar only
4. Burger King crowns, one dollar only
5. Hepatitis C
6. Cursed and/or blessed on behalf of the Lord Jesus Christ
7. An elbow to the kidney when a seat opens up
8. The advice to smile, life can't be that bad
9. An evocative sense of time and place
10. Strong opinions, stronger odors

Out of Place

1. Knitting at a football game
2. Networking at a funeral
3. Sleeping in a bar
4. Eating hamburgers in church
5. Praying on TV
6. Yodeling in court
7. Doing coke on the White House tour
8. Throwing a javelin in a coffee shop
9. Reading the newspaper on a first date
10. Snoring in my bed (seriously, get the hell out)

Best Ways to Express Your Love for Marshmallow Peeps

Do you love marshmallow peeps? I mean, really, really love them? Don't settle for just snacking on those sugary-sweet chickadees this Easter! Thanks to the Internet, and crazy people, there's oh so much more. Happy Easter, everybody!

1. Check out people's ridiculous fan pages and taking-themselves-too-seriously satire pages online! Or, for sticklers and purists, Peeps has an official site where you can go on a virtual tour of the JustBorn factory.

2. For the more adventurous, do scientific experiments on them! Freeze them with nitrogen and hit them with a hammer! Put them in a vacuum and shoot them into space! Whatever!

3. Purchase and then wear disgusting-sounding Peep Lip Balm!

4. Check out the annual Peep Diorama Contest at The Washington Post! You wouldn't believe some of the poses people put those peeps in... The Seattle Times, St. Paul Pioneer Press, and Chicago Tribune all have photo galleries, too.

5. Put them in your favorite Hitchcock film!

6. Make your own at home, following this video tutorial!

7. Or take some store-bought ones and bake them into a pie!

8. Write poems to your peeps!

9. Sing along to this album of songs all about peeps!

10. And finally, my personal favorite...dress your kids in them!

[Cross-posted at Air America]

Things That I Feel Like I Should Not Enjoy,But Do

by JAY BOREN, guest blogger

1. Asparagus pee
2. Turbulent plane flights
3. Three-legged animals
4. Fat people wearing jogging suits
5. Plucking beard hairs from my chin

Things That I Feel Like I Should Enjoy,But Do Not

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

1. Bleu Cheese
2. Steely Dan
3. Waking Hours Between 5 and 11 AM (at least sometimes, right?)
4. Getting Tickled
5. Reading

Words That Sound Like Body Parts But Aren't

1. Magma
2. Posthumous
3. Wicker
4. Trundle
5. Dregs
6. Phantom
7. Canoe
8. Boar
9. Coil
10. Shareware

The Small Joys of Data Cleanup

by LAURA McMILLAN, guest blogger

Names in my workplace's email activist database I think are spam:
Mr. Mature Slut
Ms. Pantyhose Sex
Mr. Fabric Fabric
Mrs. Ringtones Ringtones
Mr. Teen Voyeur
Sluts Sierra
Psycho Parade
Razoo Razoo
hhlmlyeqda hhlmlyeqda
Mr. cheap phentermine Rodrigues

Names I think are real:
Larry Thickey
Noble Barker
Moosa Raffey
Donna Shookus
Tom Cheeseman
Rob Roy McGregor

Names I am unsure about:
Mrs. Magnolia Mallard
Hoc X. Cao
Dagger Rapp
Stephen Fry
Xalman Nalchimously
Nmpa

Party Fouls

1. Dropping an entirely full and just-opened 40 on a hard kitchen floor (I have done this)
2. Falling asleep on the floor at the height of the party (I have also done this)
3. Bringing "Axis and Allies," expectantly
4. Marriage proposals, divorce proposals
5. Dog-whistle race politics
6. Selling magazine subscriptions
7. Spin art
8. High school fight songs
9. Menstruation
10. Television repair

Best Conversation-Starting Lies

1. I have a glass eye!
2. I saw Beck on the subway on my way to work this morning. He looked sad.
3. I have two glass eyes.
4. I have a fiberglass face. Go on, touch it!
5. I can recite a full Catholic mass in the original Latin.
6. I don't really think domestic abuse is that big of a deal. Is that weird?
7. I actually really like Josh Groban's music. Yes, it's true, I would go to a concert of his if I had the chance.
8. I have more money than I know what to do with. Any ideas?
9. I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you, too, have a glass eye.
10. Hi, so nice to meet you.

Sustainable Inventions

1. Grass-and-Peat Laptop
2. Recycled Peanut Butter
3. Grow-Your-Own Car Exhaust Machine
4. Electric-Powered Water Bottle
5. Solar-Powered Bed