2008 New Years' Resolutions I Have Not Followed Through On

1. Be taller
2. Stop buying so many pens
3. Ford a river
4. Apologize to Baltimore
5. Learn the internet
6. Wolf-eagle hybrids?
7. Get one of those jobs that pays you in money
8. No more mosquitoes
9. Olympic luge (if there's time)
10. Get groceries

Sixth Avenue Highlight

Finally, someone had the courage to tell me.

Overheard at the Museum of Modern Art

Woman: Have you ever been to Tijuana?
Man: No.
Woman: Do you want to?
Man: No.

Funniest Words

1. Face
2. Sandwich
3. Corn
4. Research
5. Vellum
6. Keenwhistle
7. Berntow
8. Grelfarb
9. Jackadoo
10. Tippitz

Favorite Sports

1. Blindfold LogThrow
2. Haircut Kickball (get or give one at each base)
3. Climbing on Cars
4. Lucid Dreams
5. Medicine-ball Dodgeball
6. Gatorade Drink
7. NYC Subway
8. Silent Treatment
9. Michelob ULTRA 2.6 Carbs
10. Lasik

Obama and McCain: Juxtaposers!

"On Monday, the Illinois senator was photographed in a helicopter touring Baghdad with Army Gen. David H. Petraeus, the U.S. military commander in Iraq...On Monday, the Arizona senator was seen on television riding in a golf cart with former President George H.W. Bush at Bush's oceanfront estate in Maine."

-- LAT, Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"The Iraqi government on Monday left little doubt that it favors a withdrawal plan for American combat troops similar to what Senator Barack Obama has proposed, providing Mr. Obama with a potentially powerful political boost on a day he spent in Iraq working to fortify his credibility as a wartime leader...In an interview on "Good Morning America" on ABC, Mr. McCain talked about securing the 'Iraq-Pakistan border.'"

-- NYT, Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"With Barack Obama in Berlin, John McCain visits German restaurant in Ohio....'I'd love to give a speech in Germany. But I'd much prefer to do it as president of the United States rather than as a candidate for president,' McCain told reporters after a meal of bratwurst."

-- The Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune, Thursday, July 24, 2008

"Obama's [Democratic National Convention] speech happens to be scheduled for Aug. 28, the 45th anniversary of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.'s 'I Have a Dream' speech. McCain's speech, on the other hand, will fall on Sept. 4, the opening night of the NFL season, which features a game between the Washington Redskins and the Super Bowl champion New York Giants."

-- WaPo, Thursday, July 24, 2008

"On Friday, Senator Obama carried several adorable babies in his capable arms as he strode across the surface of the Seine River in Paris without getting a drop of water on his effortlessly elegant white tuxedo, while Senator McCain gave a somewhat disappointing speech on how reading communist literature can cause Rickets, in his basement, to his mother, without putting in his teeth."

-- The Daily Newspaper of My Imagination, Friday, July 25, 2008

[cross-posted today at Huffington Post]

To-Do: Bands I Want to Be In

1. The Facial Hairs
2. Tapes N' Crepes
3. The Precious Precious Memories
4. Dr. Truxxx and the Grizzlebears
5. Open-Faced Sandwich
6. Rachel and the CoffeeShop Friends
7. Bumblebee Nutgraph
8. I DUnno? and the LOLs
9. We're All Writing Screenplays
10. Please Stop Shouting Heidi Klum

Mailbag #2

Hi folks - keep those letters coming! Here's the latest installment of the Lonesome Lumberjack advice column:

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

eggs
milk
bread
OJ
gummi bears
foot cream
more eggs

Dear eggs,

Well this one is a real gem! I get a LOT of mail, but this one stood right out in my stack because, well, it wasn't in an envelope, and it's written on the back of a side of a cereal box. So it's hard to figure out exactly what the problem is here, because it sounds like you're on the right track! Sometimes when you're not sure what course of action to take, it helps to make a list! In your case, seems like you've identified the problem (you're hungry, and you have some kind of foot problem [fungus?]) and you've also set about solving said problem(s). Go get those eggs! I could use some eggs, too, come to think of it. They are high in protein and versatile! I'm going to go make a list, right now. Wait, didn't I already make a list? Where's that list? I also need orange juice and bread.

To-Do: Museums I Want to Build

1. The Children's Museum of Shiny Pieces of Garbage
2. The New York Croatanical Museum
3. The Staples Center Gallery Sponsored by Grand Theft Auto IV
4. National Rainwater Museum
5. Painting in Space
6. El Museo de Que Haces
7. The Smithsonian (it would be different)
8. Words You Shouldn't Say
9. The Chesterton Society
10. Online Dating Profiles, the Museum

Mailbag

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

I am a happily married mother of two and a busy homemaker, and sometimes I just feel so busy! I am trying to figure out how to balance spending time with my daughters, Elaine and Eliza, making time for my wonderful husband Brad, and having quality time for myself. Any advice?

-Homemaker in Hope, Ark.

Dear Homemaker in Hope,

Wow, I can't tell you how common this problem is in this hustle-bustle world we live in nowadays! I would have to say that the most important thing is to decide which one you like best. If your kids are being annoying, then I say, fuck em. That Elaine sure is cute, but she's not so cute once she gets to the age where she's all like "waa take me to the mall and buy me prom dresses". And little Eliza, she can drive herself to soccer practice, right? She can almost reach the pedals probably. As for Brad, if he's being like "where are those finance receipts that I have to put into the spreadsheet for our household tax return season in April of this fiscal year? And also, how come we don't have any clean dishes because you haven't done them in like a month and they're all piled up everywhere, even in the dining room for god's sake", then, you know, hit the road, sister! Road trip! You have to find a balance. Sometimes you need a little "me" time. Or "you" time, whichever makes sense. What I'm saying is that it's a tough world out there these days, Homemaker, and sometimes, let's face it, most of the time, other people just get in the way. Go, girl! Don't forget your shades, because your future looks bright!

***

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

I'm having a party at my house. Is it too old-fashioned nowadays to send out invitations in the mail? Should I just call people on the telephone?

Clueless in Carson City

Dear Clueless,

These days, parties are usually publicized onLINE. In fact, almost everything is done online. You are reading THIS onLine, right now, in real time! In fact, I've just recently learned that you can read the newspaper on your computer?!?! So take out that word processor of yours and send out a bulk-mailing electronic letter! Make a homepage! I took the liberty of checking for you; the world wide web address TheresAPartyAtMyHouse/CarsonCity.com isn't taken yet! Better yet, why not make an Http virus - that will definitely give you the most exposure, and you might even make it into the police blotter section of your local newspaper. Go, girl!