Overheard in the Coffeeshop Where I Like to Work Quietly

Large Man: What the fuck! It's fucking hot as fuck in this fucking place!
Me: [...]
Large Man: Fuck! Why isn't my internet fucking...fuck!!
Me: [...]
Large Man: FUCKing...e-mail.

McCain's Mispronouncers

Senator McCain got a lot of flack Monday for his speech in which he mispronounced the name of the President of Georgia several times, and stumbled over words like "hostility," "sovereignty," and "Asia." It's hard to keep track of all of McCain's mispronunciations, so here's a handy phonetic guide to the actual names and places, and McCain's recent mangling of them!

Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili --> Michael Shishkavooney
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin --> Valdemore Pooptin
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev --> Deemartire Madayvbiv
Russia --> Rishur
Georgia --> George's
Ossetia --> Hoss-tits-yeah
Abkhazia --> A-badz-kenya
Ukraine --> Oohkream
Caucasus --> Coccyxus
Gori --> Gooey
UN --> un
NATO --> Neato
The Baku-Tblisi-Ceyhan Oil Pipeline --> [Just grins uncomfortably and then tells a dirty joke about his wife.]

Posted today on 23/6

To-Do: Lists To Do

1. Categories of Local News B-Roll I Do Not Want to Be Featured In
2. New Holidays
3. New Insults
4. Best Puns Using the Word 'Face'
5. Worst Barns
6. Food Combinations to Try
7. Equestrian "Dont's"
8. Barbie Outfits I Wish Existed
9. Words That Remind Me of the Future
10. Multi-national trillion-dollar corporations I plan on taking down, one by one, with the sheer force of my personality

Best Times/Places to Wear a Coonskin Cap

1. Church
2. Bed
3. While filled with regret
4. While also wearing a coonskin onesie
5. Job interview at Forbes.com
6. L.A.
7. Your kids' piano recital
8. The Internet
9. Nude beach
10. Always O'Clock

[Thanks to reader Dan for the suggestion of this list category. Have an idea for a list? Let me know...]

Site Sponsor #2

Dear Supercuts,

Please sponsor my blog. Your hair salons regularly provide me with not-that-bad haircuts for under $20, and I never have to wait in line because no other woman in New York City seems to trust you with their heads (of hair). Your hairstylists are polite, but do not make unnecessary small talk, and they never remain employed with you for very long, thus making my anxiety of having to choose between them moot, for every time I arrive it's a spanking new staff of brusquely competent coiffers. Your website also reinforces for me that I am "smarter than average" for choosing you for my haircut needs. Wow, brand new bangs and a blowdry AND a boost of self-confidence? Yes, please!

As my bonafide site sponsor you may send your support in the form of the three remaining stamps that I need to complete my "Get 8 haircuts and your 9th is free!!" card. Alternately, you may send a gift-card, which your website teases with the challenge to "Give the gift of looking hot." I'll say! Thanks, Supercuts!

Best regards,
Lonesome Lumberjack

Best Ways to Change the Subject When a Conversation is Not Going Well

1. Spontaneous weeping/howling/radio sound effects combo
2. "I just remembered that I have to BUY CEREAL!!!"
3. Cat imitations
4. "I'm sorry, I don't know who you are, or where I am, or what my name is. Bye!"
5. Make a gesture towards a hug with the other person, then pick them up, fireman's-carry them to a lake and drop them in it
6. Ask to borrow the other person's chapstick, swallow it, go straight to the hospital
7. Triple-spring backflip (into traffic)
8. Take a 100-dollar bill out of your wallet, point to Ben Franklin, say "That's my Dad", light it on fire
9. C+C Music Factory?
10. "That reminds me of something funny my car said yesterday..."

You Make Me Wanna Shout

I was just looking for clips of my radio work to pitch a freelance piece, and I found this link to my entry into the Public Radio Talent Quest, in which I do my best NPR impression and interview my friend Jake about a humiliating pre-teen experience at a Bar Mitzvah. With music by Arizona. What's not to love? (I did not win.)

Mailbag #3

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Can you help my kid get into college?

Thanks,

Desperate Dad


Dear Desperate,

Whee!!! Absolutely!?

To-Do: Theme Parties I Want to Throw

1. Upside-Down Drinks Party
2. Old Navy! Sale! Party
3. Only One Person Allowed in Each Room Party
4. Bring a Harlem Globetrotter Party
5. Make a Face Like Your Upper Lip is Missing Party
6. Help Me Do My Taxes Party
7. Champagne N' Pancakes
8. Use Every Part of the Wooly Mammoth Party
9. Cheez-Its Everywhere?
10. Drink and Say Things You Don't Mean to the Ones You Love Party

C Train Highlight

Let's get a close-up of that...