Things I Heard McCain Compared to in Post-Debate Analysis This Week

1. Garden gnome
2. Dancing lizard
3. Grumpy old man
4. Angry troll
5. Axe murderer
6. Manchurian candidate
7. Vomiting monster-dragon
8. Grimace, the McDonald's character
9. Person in obvious gastrointestinal distress
10. Pile of mashed potatoes with teeth

[Posted on 23/6]

Most Influential Blues Musicians

by JOHN CUSICK, guest blogger

1. Robert "Scraping By" Washington
2. Humphrey "Hang-Nail" Johnson
3. Blind "Blindey" McBlinderson
4. Flighty "No-Ears" Knickerbocker
5. Louis "Five-Nipple" Waller
6. "Tongueless" Bob Sackmeister
7. Jimmy "Superfluous Adam's Apple" Fowler
8. Jackson "Supple Coccyx" Magee
9. Lightning "Hidden, Undeveloped Internal Twin" Gordonson
10. Petticoat Julius

and by AARON REUBEN:

1. Blind Johnson Blindson
2. Blind Willie No-eyes
3. Blind Lead Watershed
4. Creamin' Jay Hoolihan
5. The Reverend Sly

Best Excuses For Not Attending a Social Event

1. Having a kid that day
2. Don't really have anything to wear, or say to you
3. Heard a rumor there will not be hummus at said event
4. Just don't like White people
5. My constituents need me and I won't let them down
6. Busy hosting identical and simultaneous social event in my mind?
7. Having coffee with David Axelrod
8. Am allergic. Just in general.
9. My parents won't let me out that night
10. Probably better to just see you on the Internet

Bloggin' the Prezzies

I'm participating in tonight's live-blogging of the 3rd Presidential Debate over at AirAmerica.com here with my coworkers Beau and Tim.

Ladies Love Hip Hop

In this week's issue of The L Magazine, out today, I reviewed Pimps Up, Hos Down: Hip Hop's Hold on Young Black Women, an excellent and entertaining book by PhD and runway model T. Denean Sharpley-Whiting. You can read it here if interested. It's the only thing I've ever written that both uses the word "fetishization" and also makes a T. Pain joke.

Things You Should Not Do While Calling in to a Radio Show

1. Walk all 8 of your Rottweilers
2. Mow a lawn
3. Drive a tugboat
4. Sit on a washing machine
5. Ride a trolleycar
6. Operate a jack-hammer
7. Fight a forest fire
8. Shovel coal into the furnace of a locomotive
9. Cave-dive
10. Cry

Overheard - The Fall Wardrobe Edition

Overheard at American Apparel:

Clerk: Hey dude, what's up with you?
Clerk's Friend: Hey man, not much.
Clerk: What have you been up to?
Clerk's Friend: Just waiting for some callbacks.
Clerk: Oh, are you going to auditions or something? I didn't know you were acting or whatever.
Clerk's Friend: Oh, no, I mean, like, I've called a lot of people, to like, hang out, and I'm waiting for them to get back to me.
Clerk: Oh, ok....cool, man.

Overheard at Urban Outfitters:

Woman Looking at Clothes: Oh, so, according to this store, I don't exist?

Best Things to Say in an Argument

by RACHEL SCHIFF, guest blogger

1) I'm just really tired

2) It's funny to hear you say that now

3) Who taught you to jump around like that?

4) We're missing the changing of the guards
5) Listen
6) I am adorable
7) This is not about the bleach
8) I think you mean "whom"
9) Jinx!
10) It was never your straw

Nailing Jell-O To the Wall

"Pinning down Senator Obama's tax proposals is like nailing Jell-O to the wall." -- Sen. John McCain in last night's presidential debate in Nashville, TN.

Colloquialisms That Didn't Make the Cut:

1. Building a smokestack out of post-its and gum
2. Throwing darts at the neighborhood paperboy
3. Jack-hammering a spaghetti sandwich
4. Catching a storm-cloud in your angry fists
5. Giving a penicillin shot to a waterfall
6. Rolling down the stairs onto an elephant's stomach
7. Chewing on a battery to make your car run
8. Filling a Spam can with your hopes and dreams
9. Playing a trumpet in the ear of a mosquito
10. Pooping in a movin' caboose

UPDATE: From GYRA in comments, this is too good to pass up...

Oddly enough,
1. = John McCain's nuclear energy proposals
2. = John McCain's plan for dealing with Latin American dictators
3. = John McCain's agricultural trade proposals
4. = John McCain's grasp of climate change
5. = John McCain's health care plan
6. = John McCain's economic safety net
7. = John McCain's favorite alternative fuel
8. = John McCain hates Barack Obama.
9. = Sarah Palin.
10.= John McCain's suggestion for dealing with radioactive waste

Reasons CNN Gives Me Nightmares

1. "Brain-wasting Mad Cow Disease"
2. "A Hurricane headed for Cape Fear"
3. "McCain and Obama in a statistical dead heat"
4. "Complete economic meltdown"
5. "Tainted milk"
6. "Sponsored by Clean Coal"
7. "George Bush to address the nation tonight"
8. John King's shape-shifting touch-screen electoral state map
9. "Yaz" commercials
10. Jack Cafferty