Voting Booth Checklist!

Hey! Election Day is exciting, and you might forget things! So when you leave the house to go vote today, keep this checklist handy! First you have to decide whether you're a Democrat (D) or a Republican (R), so if you don't know yet, you might want to get on that, ok!

BRING A FORM OF ID, JUST IN CASE:
Democrats - Drivers license and a utility bill
Republicans - T.G.I.F. punch card, Buy 9 Jalapeno Popper Platters and Get 1 Free!

TO LISTEN TO ON THE WAY THERE:
(D) - iPod, tuned to Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Stevie Wonder
(R) - Windows Zune, tuned to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence

TO READ WHILE WAITING IN LINE:
(D) - The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein and a copy of The New Yorker
(R) - The Washington Times editorial page, the childrens' book Everybody Poops, and a pile of Bazooka wrappers

TO BRING INTO THE BOOTH:
(D) - Cellphone with video camera to record your vote being immediately flipped to McCain
(R) - Trifocals on a red rhinestone chain and your lucky autographed picture of Jason Robards

AND DON'T FORGET TO WEAR:
(D) - A big Obama/Biden pin
(R) - A cloud of rage and self-loathing

[cross-posted on 236.com and AirAmerica.com]

Small Request

Dear Barack Obama,

Please sponsor my blog. You are going to be a totally awesome Prez! And you probs have a lot of money that you won't need at all in like, a day or so, right? You've got an army of college kids who only cost you a couple Clif bars a day and demand only an I-heart-Obama magnet for their dorm mini-fridges in return for their tireless, 24/7 haranguing of swing state voters. Thanks, Barack Obama! You can express your support for my blog in the form of $600 million.

Best regards,
Lonesome Lumberjack

Pop Quiz: Google Phone

Hey, techies! Which of these recently-announced, free-for-download applications for the new Google G1 Android smart phone are NOT real?

1. Krystle II: a "virtual pet" application for your phone
2. Cocktail!: Learn how to mix fancy drinks
3. Ecorio: An application that monitors your carbon footprint and gives you tips for reducing it
4. BlueBrush: Share a virtual canvas with your friends and draw on it...like "Microsoft Paintbrush," but more Internetty
5. Breadcrumbz: Open up a google map of your location and overlay it with photos and voice notes about favorite spots nearby to share with friends
6. Shazam: identifies background music in a bar or cafe and helps you order the song for download
7. Barcode Scanner: uses the G1's tiny camera to scan the barcode of any item, such as a book or a CD, then prices the item online, and, using the phone's Global Positioning System, tells you where you can buy it the cheapest in nearby stores.
8. Wikitude: also uses the internal camera to take photos of your surroundings and then provide relevant info about your surroundings, downloaded from Wikipedia.
9. Pocket Seismograph: Uses the phone's motion-sensitive accelerometer to track your speed, longitudinal and latitudinal location and elevation.
10. SandwichPsychic: Listens in to your phone conversations with your friends and, based on your current mood, determines what kind of sandwich you might be hungry for, then orders one from the closest deli, charges it to your PayPal account, and has it delivered to you within 5 minutes.

[Answer: #10 is not real. Source: the UK's Telegraph. Cross-posted today on Air America.]

Favorite Fevers

1. The auditory hallucination kind
2. Regretting that marathon
3. Chinese food
4. 4:00 a.m. insomniac house-cleaning
5. Red wine
6. Cat-scratch
7. Realizing I am wrong in the middle of an argument
8. Workday hangover
9. Crowded general admission concert
10. Love

Favorite Seasons

1. Summer
2. Indian Summer
3. Spring
4. June
5. Beach house
6. Saturday
7. Election
8. Dusk
9. Friends-are-newly-single
10. Old Bay:

Return to the Shoe Repair Guy on DeKalb

Shoe Repair Guy (to old woman in front of me in line): Don't you know you don't mess with the shoemaker, especially with his CASH.
[Old woman shakes her head and leaves.]
SRG (To me): Hello sweetie what you got for me.
Me: Hi, I just need to pick up my boots.
SRG: Brown boots? I knew it was you! Here you go.
Me: Oh, these look really good.
SRG: I KNOW THAT ALREADY.
Me (in my head): Why are you so mean?
Me (actually): [Walks out silently with head down.]

A Trip to the Shoe Repair Guy on DeKalb

Shoe Repair Guy: Hello sweetie what you got for me.
Me: Hi, I'd like to get these boots re-soled because they have holes in them and my feet get wet when it rains.
SRG: Yeeeesss yes. Twenty dollars deposit, yes?
Me: Oh, I don't have that much cash with me, sorry. Do you take credit cards?
SRG: [High-pitched voice] I don't have cash! I don't have cash! Don't you know the shoemaker he LIKES THE CASH.
Me: Alllrighty then, I will go find an ATM.
SRG: Eh, an ATM! An ATM!
Me (in my head): Jesus!
Me (actually): [Walks out silently with head down.]

Things You Can't SHOUT Someone Into Doing

by AARON REUBEN, guest blogger

1. Stop crying!
2. Go to sleep!
3. Love me!
4. Forgive me!
5. Make yourself comfortable!
6. Start peeing!
7. Don't mind me!
8. Savor this moment!
9. Concentrate!
10. RELAX!

Overheard Outside a San Francisco Tacqueria

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

Loiterer 1: Yeah, man, if you're willing to sleep on the floor among my Magic cards and dirty clothes, you're fucking welcome to crash.
Loiterer 2: [inaudible]
Loiterer 1: Just don't look in my "pron" folder. I've got all kinds of shit in there, because, like, why not?
*
[Author's note: "Pron" is computer-nerd-speak for porn. Helpful guide to nerd-speak here.]

Overheard in a Fort Greene Deli

Deli Employee 1: But, like, echinacea is good though, right, dawg?
Deli Employee 2: Yeah!
Deli Employee 1: Yeah.