Rush Transcript of the House Financial Services Committee Hearing with Paulson and Bernanke

CHAIRMAN OF THE FEDERAL RESERVE BEN BERNANKE: Keep in mind that I have a background in academic theory...not Wall Street experience per se.

REP. BARNEY FRANK (D-MA): You know what? This is retarded. I'm out.

[Meeting adjourns.]

Rush Transcript of the Senate Banking Committee Hearing with Paulson and Bernanke

SEN. CHRIS DODD (D-CT): "Secretary Paulson, I've looked over your proposal. It is stunning and unprecedented in both its scope and lack of detail."

TREASURY SECRETARY HENRY PAULSON: La la la I can't hear you! Right, guys? Ha.

DODD: "...and it would allow this secretary and his successors to act with utter and absolute impunity, without review by any agency or a court of law."

PAULSON: Can we fire Chris Cox? Where is that guy? I wanna donkey-punch him.

SEC CHAIRMAN CHRISTOPHER COX: I'm sitting right next to you.

PAULSON: Burn!

DODD: "...after reading this proposal, I can only conclude that it is not our economy that is at risk, but our Constitution as well."

PAULSON: Hey Ben, turn off your iPod. Are you listening?

FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE: [takes off headphones and puts down huge bowl of ice cream] Wha?

SEN. RICHARD SHELBY (R-AL): "What troubles me most is that we have been given no credible assurances that this plan will work. We could very well spend $700 billion or a trillion and not resolve the crisis!"

PAULSON: You know what? I think it'll be fun either way? And like, we'll all learn something?

SEN. MICHAEL ENZI (R-Wyo.): "This bailout will cost every man, woman and child in America $2,300."

PAULSON: That's how much my new coffeemaker cost!

DODD: "It angers me to think about the authors of this calamity walking away with golden parachutes while taxpayers pick up the bill."

PAULSON: You don't think I'm angry? I'm really angry! When I left Goldman Sachs I had over $600 million in stock options and now they are worthless!

COX: Didn't you have to get rid of those because of the conflict of interest?

PAULSON: The what of who? Uh, unclear.

BERNANKE: How many zeroes is in a million and a billion?

PAULSON: That's the thing...no one really knows!

SHELBY: "Wasn't it Alan Greenspan who said that the rate of borrowing in the American economy and the high percentage of income that Americans were spending on their homes posed a relatively small risk to the mortgage market?"

PAULSON: Greenspan? He's not real. He's been digital since '87.

COX: Can I just say something? If we don't make some progress here, we'll all be paying like $400 for a loaf of bread next week.

SHELBY: We will not be rushed through this process by scare tactics!

COX: OK. But just so you know, if the dollar sinks below $0.50 against the Euro, all the buses in Los Angeles will explode.

[Loud banging on the door]

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY: Let me in! Let me into Congress! Graaaaarrrr!

SHELBY: Just ignore him, he'll tire himself out and then we'll put him to bed.

PAULSON: That's not what you said last night!

SHELBY: I'm sorry?

PAULSON: I accept your apology.

SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER (D-NY): HOW DARE YOU, SIR.

[Meeting adjourns]

[posted today on 23/6]

To-Do: Animal Hybrids

1. Iguana-Cat
2. Vulture-Sloth
3. Snake-Walrus
4. Horse-Bear
5. Worm-Deer
6. Rabbit-Fish
7. Parrot-Badger
8. Goat-Monkey
9. Goat-Bird
10. Goat-Whale

[thanks to Evan for car-trip brainstorming]

Ex-Squeeze You

I worked on WNYC's program "Soundcheck" again yesterday, producing this segment with one of the dudes from the 80's Britpop band Squeeze. If you're like me, you may think you've never heard of them before. But trust me, if you have ever seen a commercial for Gap, Burger King, Heineken, Dentyne, or been to a karaoke bar, or regular bar, or even so much as walked past a radio ever in your life, then you have. Listen to the song coming in to the segment and groan along with the rest of us.

The guest, Chris Difford, also played in the studio, and he picked a song called "Fat as a Fiddle," which has really funny lyrics about how he can't put on his socks anymore, and it's the lead single off of his new solo album called The Last Temptation of Chris, which I think is even funnier.

Where Am I and What Is My Name Please

[pic courtesy of LA Times]

Stumped.

Man: I don't understand this whole economy thing. Can you explain to me the economy?
Me: I don't even understand the new Facebook.

Things I Hope My Doctor Says To Me At My Checkup Today

by JAKE GOLDMAN, guest blogger

1. Ok, so you have fourteen eyes all around your body.
2. Well, if you run fast enough, you should be able to fly.
3. Here's the even BETTER news...!
4. It appears that you've swallowed a train.
5. You have "Mega-Man's" Disease. You'll be able to shoot little pellets out of your hands now. I'm so sorry.
6. We figured what that cough is...it's your INNER PARTY ANIMAL TRYING TO GET OUT
7. The only side-effect is that you'll pee out your fingers.
8. You only have one month to live. And then after that you'll become wizard-like and live forever.
9. I have no idea what you have but hey, did you see this cool trick I can do on a yo-yo?
10. You are a failure.

[Read more of Jake's stuff here and also here.]

Overheard at the Office, cont'd

IV.)
Man on Phone: Okay, well, you should just know, going forward, that I have a hostility to semicolons.

Overheard at the Office

I.)
Man 1, to Computer: Jesus CHRIST! This isn't rocket science!
Man 2, to Printer: Oh, fuck you, printer. Seriously.

II.)
Man: Should I ask a girl out on a date that I have only talked to over email?
Me: Sure, why not.
Man: Yeah. You know what? I'm turning 30, I don't give a fuck anymore.

III.)
Woman 1: Cute shoes!
Woman 2: Thank you!.....Do they match my ulcers?
Woman 1: Hahahaha. Yeah.
Woman 2: Everything goes great with blood!!!
[walks away]
[silence]

[These are real.]

Best Ways to Say Yes

1. Sure
2. Well yeah
3. Ok
4. True
5. Correctomundo
6. Negative No
7. Opposite of wrong
8. Inverse incorrect
9. Mirror-image not
10. Positively upside-down false

[thanks to Chris]