Things I Hope My Doctor Says To Me At My Checkup Today

by JAKE GOLDMAN, guest blogger

1. Ok, so you have fourteen eyes all around your body.
2. Well, if you run fast enough, you should be able to fly.
3. Here's the even BETTER news...!
4. It appears that you've swallowed a train.
5. You have "Mega-Man's" Disease. You'll be able to shoot little pellets out of your hands now. I'm so sorry.
6. We figured what that cough is...it's your INNER PARTY ANIMAL TRYING TO GET OUT
7. The only side-effect is that you'll pee out your fingers.
8. You only have one month to live. And then after that you'll become wizard-like and live forever.
9. I have no idea what you have but hey, did you see this cool trick I can do on a yo-yo?
10. You are a failure.

[Read more of Jake's stuff here and also here.]