Overheard Last Week

I.)
NYU Student 1: I mean, at some point, philosophy has to relate to something in the real world, a person, an action, a thing. It can't just remain abstract forever!

NYU Student 2: I disagree!

II.)
Man on phone: Yo I seen four girls I used to go out with all in one DAY! Shit.

III.)
Me: I got carded in a Wal-Mart when I bought nail-polish.

Chris: Well, now I've heard everything.

Live-Bloggin' the Palin Party!

Besides taking a hearty gulp of pumpkin ale every time Sarah Palin says the word "maverick," my buddy Jake and I will be participating in 23/6's Live-blog during the VP debate tonight. You can read it HERE (not here) starting at 8:30 pm eastern.

Jobs I Wanted When I Was Little

1. Golf cart/mail truck/Zamboni driver
2. Telephone repair person
3. Supermarket announcement maker
4. Eccentric/insane painter person
5. Tennis ref in the high high chair
6. Ice Capades Dancer
7. Coca-Cola commercial singer
8. Medieval monk
9. Russian gymnast
10. Attorney General

Presidential Chessboard: the Republicans

KING: Ronald Reagan

QUEEN: Richard Nixon

KNIGHTS:
Andrew Jackson
John Adams

BISHOPS:
George W. Bush
Herbert Hoover

ROOKS:
Ulysses Grant
Calvin Coolidge

PAWNS:
Dwight Eisenhower
Gerald Ford
Andrew Johnson
Theodore Roosevelt
Warren Harding
John Tyler
Martin Van Buren
Rutherford Hayes

Presidential Chessboard: the Democrats

KING: Franklin D. Roosevelt

QUEEN: John F. Kennedy

KNIGHTS:
Abraham Lincoln
Thomas Jefferson

BISHOPS:
Bill Clinton
Jimmy Carter

ROOKS:
George Washington
James Madison

PAWNS:
Harry Truman
Woodrow Wilson
Grover Cleveland
John Quincy Adams
James Monroe
Lyndon Johnson
Zachary Taylor
James Buchanan

(They don't pay us anything)

Shockingly, the liveblog that Jake and I wrote on Friday also got posted on 23/6 here on Saturday. With a brand new duo bio pic! Hey-oo.

Live-blogging the First Presidential Debate

by JAKE GOLDMAN and me.

9:04 - OH MY GOD I am so excited!
9:05 - Obama's eyebrows are exciting.
9:08 - Who the fuck picked out McCain's tie? Japanese Anime Animators? Am I right here?
9:09 - "This is the end of the beginning" Finally! We can get to the middle! I love the middle! That's where all the crazy shit happens! Fuck the end!
9:12 - I think by the end of the night, Jim Lehrer is going to get McCain to sit on Obama's lap.
9:15 - "I've got a pen--" What will McCain bring out next of his fantastic prop-bag?! "I have tap-dancing shoes. See? And I'm going to tap dance all over regulation. Or is it de-regulation. Hey! Where's my chips? Oh. There they are. I've got chips--"
9:17 - Obama just said "fill up on this gas," as it were the first time he's ever heard of the concept of gas.
9:19 - Fun fact I just learned: Barack Obama is a woman? (He won miss congeniality?)
9:21 - Holy shit, Obama just looked terrifying when he asked Lehrer if he could respond. Guys, do you think he carries knives?
9:23 - This is a classic example of talkin' the talk, and walkin' the walk. Also of singin' the song, drummin on drums, eatin' the food, and puttin on socks.
9:25 - Oil companies would get an additional 4 billion dollars of tax cuts under McCain's plan? Sounds good to me! They've been working so hard they deserve a break. A break big enough to buy 18 jets.
9:26 - Every time McCain laughs, I have flashbacks to the Halloween of 1989 when my cousin Steve set fire to my jack-o-lantern. Terrifying. Still have nightmares. Would rather not talk about it.
9:27 - Obama = Flag pin. McCain = no flag pin. COUNTRY FIRST? MORE LIKE, WARDROBE FIRST!!!! LADIES?
9:36 - "I want the families to make the decisions between the doctors and diseases." Yup! Sounds about right.
9:38 - Obama: "Your president presided over an orgy of spending." Hey-o!!! Obama has got SOME kind of wild party planned in Oxford after this.
9:41 - I'm sorry folks. Let's get real here for a second: $600 billion. 4,000 lives lost. And this other guy over here is talking about "victory."
9:42 - Hey guys-- hey guys! If you get elected president, you don't have to deal with Iraq anymore. That shit already happened. So all you guys sitting around going "Man , I don't know if I want to be president...all that war stuff...what do I do????" Worry no more! The next president won't have to question anything! LET'S GO AMERICA!
9:47 - Obama's gonna get tired of talking, interrupting McCain every other word to correct every single douchey lie that jack-o-lantern tells.
9:48 - Lehrer: "Afghanistan. What is it. Discuss."
10:00 - "Hey! We both wear bracelets!"
10:02 - Join the Al-Qaeda Columbia House today! For just 15 cents you'll get a video each week. (costs more for beheadings)
10:03 - "Listen, I've been to anyplace that has the word 'stan' in it. Those are all dangerous places, ok? I was also tortured."
10:06 - Obama's centrifuge research is unmatched.
10:10 - Can anyone tell me what the fuck these "pre-conditions" are? Hands behind back? No skateboards? Knives are cool if they are blunt? No cheese on omelettes? All ham party? I hope it's an all ham party.
10:20 - I looked into Putin's eyes and saw a K, a G and a B. And a lemon. And a cherry. And a bunch of sevens. And then I saw this wild boar eat a cement building. Hey, can we take a break? I ate some bad veal.
10:23 - Seriously though, McCain does look like a jack-o-lantern. Guys. It's sad.
10:24 - On energy, let's all think, WWTBPD? what would T. Boone Pickens do?!
10:30 - McCain: You guys-- Obama's dumb, ok?
10:35 - McCain: I can keep Americans safe. I am America's Grandpa!
10:36 - McCain: I don't need on-the-job-training. I know how to cook a hamburger, ok? Ok. Let me just...know, I can handle this I can...just shh...you use a lot of oil...whaaa..whoooaaaaa...WHAAAAAAA. Well. I've lost a hand.
10:37 - McCain: I know how to heal the wounds of the war. Just come by my house. I will heal your wounds by the touch.
10:40 - Chris Matthews: I am a hologram! See my hair and listen to my words!
10:43 - Why does Pat Buchanan always look like he's trying to take a shit?
10:44 - This has been well worth it.

Acceptable Subway Behavior

1. Sitting
2. Sitting quietly
3. Sitting quietly without talking to me
4. Sitting quietly without talking to me or staring at me
5. Standing quietly without talking to me or staring at me

Unacceptable Subway Behavior

1. Eating or carrying onion-based food items
2. Nasal laughter or high-pitched squeals
3. Breakdancing in such a way as to make me believe that I am about to get kicked in the face
4. Angry scowling, pacing, growling or shouting or any behavior that reminds me of Lou Dobbs
5. Showing me photos you took of a squirrel eating corn

Live-blogging Bush's Speech Last Night on the Economy

9:00 - Bush on why 11 zeroes of corporate welfare dollars is a "good idea." Can't wait.
9:01 - Deer in headlights. Poor guy.
9:02 - Seriously, are his eyes made of glass?
9:03 - "How did our economy reach this point, you may ask? Homeownership and optimism and America being generally awesome and all the other countries being totally jealous of us are all to blame."
9:04 - In my opinion, his mispronunciation of the word "particularly" is "particularly" egregious.
9:06 - "I'm a strong believer of free market enterprise and deregulation. Um...but...yeah. Yep. Yeaaaaahhhhh." [Falls asleep with eyes open...]
9:08 - He's right, I AM worried about my farm.
9:09 - Is it just me? I don't really care if it's a "bi-partisan" bill. It just needs to work, yes? And I don't necessarily trust Douchey McCongressman over there in the cloakroom hottub smoking a pipe with a crew of bikini-clad Pharmaceutical reps to be on top of all this economic goulash.
9:11 - Oh wait, our taxpayers' dollars might actually get paid BACK? Or, might NOT? Well why didn't you say so! It sounds like gambling, and that sounds fun! I'm in.
9:12 - I went to Mohegan Sun once when I was in college. Had a couple white russians, looked at the fake stars on the ceiling, played some slots, almost bought a diamond(?) necklace out of a vending machine in the ladies' room. Broke even with my bucket of quarters and went home. So, cross that off life's to-do list.
9:13 - "We can't let regulation hamper the economy's ability to grow?" I'm sorry, what was this speech about again? Oh right, the biggest economic crisis since the Great Depression, which was directly caused by rampant corruption that DEregulation allowed. Cool. I forgot for a second.
9:14 - I wonder if people really did wear barrels w/ suspenders during the Depression. Sounds supremely uncomfortable, more so than wearing rags, or paper bags or something. I mean, doesn't it get in the way of your arms, which you would need for, like, fishing for tires in the East River, carrying a bindle, etc?
9:15 - Well at least that was short. Is Project Runway on? YESSSssssss.....