New Year's (Eve) Resolutions

1. Less snow
2. More hats
3. Talk to people
4. 10 beers
5. More lists
6. Shouting
7. High heels
8. Dancing
9. ELO
10. In bed by 12:05

Australian Slang That Makes No Sense To Me

by SOJOURNER, guest blogger

1. Fair Dinkum = honest, true, the real deal
2. Tracky Daks = sweat pants
3. Arvo = afternoon
4. Middy, Schooner = 285 mL and 425 mL of beer, respectively
5. "D and M" = deep and meaningful conversation

Best Talk Radio Interview Questions

by CHRIS ROSEN, guest blogger

1. Describe the Internet.
2. Follow up: how are you?
3. And, what language are you speaking at the moment?
4. Have you read the newspaper? And if so, could you please tell us what it says?
5. What are your thoughts on genocide, and do you come down for or against?
6. Do I need to buy groceries later?
7. Do you ever just feel like crying for no reason?
8. This is a three-parter: what is global warming? Are you a man or a woman? And finally, where are we?
9. Also, and this is important: what does that have to do with anything?
10. Final question: what else ya got?

Lumberjack on the TV

I used to produce a weekly radio show hosted by Sam Seder, who now has a daily webcast thingy with Marc Maron called "Maron v. Seder", which you can watch or podcast here. It's political and funny and sarcastic and great. Lately they're doing a series for the show called "Meet the Co-Workers," and here's the one where they meet me:

Best Animals You Never Knew Existed, Pt. 2

by AARON REUBEN, guest blogger

6. Pink Fairy Armadillo (Chlamyphorus truncatus) - Argentina

7. Cantor's giant soft-shelled turtle (Pelochelys cantorii)

8. Blob fish (Psychrolutes marcidus) - Australia

9. Malaysian Tapir (Tapirus indicus) - Malaysia

10. Yeti Crab (Kiwa hirsuta) - South Pacific Ocean

Best Animals You Never Knew Existed

by AARON REUBEN, guest blogger

1. Aye-aye (Daubentonia madagascariensis) - Madagascar

2. Mongolian Saiga (Saiga tatarica) - Mongolia

3. Long-eared Jerboa (Euchoreutes naso) - Mongolia

4. North Sulawesi Babirusa (Babyrusini celebensis) - Indonesia

5. Batfish (particularly the red-lipped batfish)

Sentence-Starters That Make Me Skeptical

by JAKE KIRCHNER, guest blogger

1. My friends
2. My fellow Americans
3. In this day and age
4. When I was your age
5. Honest, it wasn't my fault but
6. Stop me if you've heard this one
7. All I'm saying is
8. Never before in the history of mankind
9. You know I wouldn't lie to you
10. I can honestly say, without fear of contradiction, that

To Do: Small Businesses I Want to Establish

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

1. Florist Yeltson (Flower Shop)
2. Flour Power (Bakery)
3. Crepes of Wrath (Crepery)
4. Persian Golf Shop (Sporting Goods)
5. Hymn and Her (Wedding Choir Service)
6. Underground Maleroad (Gay Bar)
7. Shopping Maul (Jungle Cat Rental)
8. Tater Taught (Agricultural School)
9. Ace of Spayeds (Impotent Pet Cloning Service)
10. Friends and Fauxs (Fake Fur Shop)

Unprofessional Skills

1. Talking about a coworker in his/her absence and immediately switching topics, mid-rant, when he/she walks into the room
2. Talking about a coworker over Gchat when he/she is sitting right next to me in full view of my computer monitor
3. Concealing my Hulu/Failblog/RandomKittenGenerator addictions
4. Masking my contempt for the management
5. Being alternately ignored and talked down to like I am a small child
6. Taking offense at most of the jokes said in my presence
7. Stewing silently
8. Sleeping with my eyes open
9. Sound effects
10. Lying

Dream Menu at Dream Restaurant

by JAKE GOLDMAN, guest blogger

APPETIZERS:

Little, tiny, edible guitars.....FREE

Chipolte-soaked Mini-Apple Pies, Gold Coins inside...Pay with Gold Coins

Hand Soap that tastes like Chicken Wing Sauce...$32 (worth it)

Any soup ever...$$Whatever you think soup should cost

SALADS:

Fourteen Hamburgers in a Bowl, Some Lettuce, Whatever....$7

All your Childhood Memories Diced Salad...You tell us. Could get ugly. (Please Call 24 hours in advance if you plan on ordering this one. Need to come in early and get a mind-meld or whatever.)

ENTREES:

Mystery Envelope: Large envelope stuffed with a mystery. Not food. It's an actual mystery you have to solve because the county police department had to make budget cuts. Please help.....$14

Kevin Spacey: Basically, you're going to eat Kevin Spacey. He doesn't know he's going to get eaten, he thinks it's a surprise party for him. We provide tools, you cook him however. Heard he's slippery, hard to tackle. Just be aware....If you pull this off AND it's good, we will pay you. Not sure how much yet because we haven't made much money on any of these dishes.

Chicken Parmesan: Don't get this because there's a knife inside of it.