Unorthodox Professions For a Muppet

by EVAN SIMKO-BEDNARSKI, guest blogger

1. Neurosurgeon
2. Hit-man
3. Puppeteer
4. Dry Cleaner
5. Firefighter
6. Actuary
7. Underwear Model
8. Attorney General
9. Hostage Negotiator
10. Professor of German Studies

Meanest Things Said Today By One of My Miserable, Miserable Coworkers

1. How hard do I have to frown at people before they realize that I don't like them?
2. So I went to go say hi to ___ today. That was my first mistake, obviously.
3. Did you hear ___ quit? Not like anyone will even notice.
4. I'm throwing my fucking back out frowning at everyone over here, it's exhausting.
5. Oh really? That's interesting. Let me set my Google News Alert to "fuck you".

Best Things People Sometimes Do When You Make Them Laugh Unexpectedly

1. Snort
2. Weep
3. Have a coughing fit, hopefully one in which they violently spit out a mouthful of liquid
4. Pee a little
5. Slam their fist on the tabletop and make the teacups clatter
6. Get angry (if they don't like laughing)
7. Veer their car off the road into a cornfield
8. Embrace Jesus
9. Catch on fire and launch into space
10. Barf

Random Facts I Learned Over the Weekend

1. Urban developer Robert Moses held political power through the offices of six consecutive governors of New York and five consecutive NYC mayors.

2. The tribe of Native Americans that Christopher Columbus first encountered upon landing in the Bahamas was called the Arawaks, and the small pieces of gold that they wore as ear-ornaments inspired him to mine for gold throughout the Caribbean.

3. If you fall asleep while standing in a bagel store, you forfeit your place in line.

Things I Hate More Than Mosquitoes

1.