Monday Mailbag!

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Does he love me? I want to know! How can I tell if he loves me so?

-Cher


Dear Cher,

It's in his kiss. That's where it is!

***

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Your website is gay.

-Ballz_d33p


Dear Ballz,

Well! I never! In my life!

Mailbag #3

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Can you help my kid get into college?

Thanks,

Desperate Dad


Dear Desperate,

Whee!!! Absolutely!?

Mailbag #2

Hi folks - keep those letters coming! Here's the latest installment of the Lonesome Lumberjack advice column:

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

eggs
milk
bread
OJ
gummi bears
foot cream
more eggs

Dear eggs,

Well this one is a real gem! I get a LOT of mail, but this one stood right out in my stack because, well, it wasn't in an envelope, and it's written on the back of a side of a cereal box. So it's hard to figure out exactly what the problem is here, because it sounds like you're on the right track! Sometimes when you're not sure what course of action to take, it helps to make a list! In your case, seems like you've identified the problem (you're hungry, and you have some kind of foot problem [fungus?]) and you've also set about solving said problem(s). Go get those eggs! I could use some eggs, too, come to think of it. They are high in protein and versatile! I'm going to go make a list, right now. Wait, didn't I already make a list? Where's that list? I also need orange juice and bread.

Mailbag

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

I am a happily married mother of two and a busy homemaker, and sometimes I just feel so busy! I am trying to figure out how to balance spending time with my daughters, Elaine and Eliza, making time for my wonderful husband Brad, and having quality time for myself. Any advice?

-Homemaker in Hope, Ark.

Dear Homemaker in Hope,

Wow, I can't tell you how common this problem is in this hustle-bustle world we live in nowadays! I would have to say that the most important thing is to decide which one you like best. If your kids are being annoying, then I say, fuck em. That Elaine sure is cute, but she's not so cute once she gets to the age where she's all like "waa take me to the mall and buy me prom dresses". And little Eliza, she can drive herself to soccer practice, right? She can almost reach the pedals probably. As for Brad, if he's being like "where are those finance receipts that I have to put into the spreadsheet for our household tax return season in April of this fiscal year? And also, how come we don't have any clean dishes because you haven't done them in like a month and they're all piled up everywhere, even in the dining room for god's sake", then, you know, hit the road, sister! Road trip! You have to find a balance. Sometimes you need a little "me" time. Or "you" time, whichever makes sense. What I'm saying is that it's a tough world out there these days, Homemaker, and sometimes, let's face it, most of the time, other people just get in the way. Go, girl! Don't forget your shades, because your future looks bright!

***

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

I'm having a party at my house. Is it too old-fashioned nowadays to send out invitations in the mail? Should I just call people on the telephone?

Clueless in Carson City

Dear Clueless,

These days, parties are usually publicized onLINE. In fact, almost everything is done online. You are reading THIS onLine, right now, in real time! In fact, I've just recently learned that you can read the newspaper on your computer?!?! So take out that word processor of yours and send out a bulk-mailing electronic letter! Make a homepage! I took the liberty of checking for you; the world wide web address TheresAPartyAtMyHouse/CarsonCity.com isn't taken yet! Better yet, why not make an Http virus - that will definitely give you the most exposure, and you might even make it into the police blotter section of your local newspaper. Go, girl!

A New Advice Column

Hi folks, I'd like to introduce the Lonesome Lumberjack advice column, where you can write in and ask me anything, and I'll do my best to give some thoughtful feedback. I'm not a psychologist per se, but I do walk around in the forest and touch a lot of trees, so I think I know a thing or two! So keep those questions coming! Here's what I've gotten so far:

***

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Can I really ask you ANYTHING?

-Cautious in California, well, not really California, I mean I work there, and I'm writing this at work, but I actually live in southern Oregon, like right on the border in a lame little town called Calgary that only has a Walmart and a post office and two McDonald's, I mean why are there two?, but I use this address for tax purposes because of this loophole that I found out when i dated a corporate lawyer last year, who I didn't love but I used for his money, and I'm wondering if that's wrong, the tax thing, and also the fake relationship (my friend Annie called it an "imaginationship"! haha) because I was raised in a household that taught me and my little brother Joey to always tell the truth and I have a lot of guilt about the fact that I can't stop lying, but I also want to be myself and what if I just AM a liar?


Dear Cautious,

Yes! You can!