GOP Tea Party

Background on this story here and here. I play a small role in this video by Sam Seder from Air America's BreakRoomLive:

Pop Quiz: CNN Anchor or Dashiell Hammett Character?

1. Sam Spade
2. Matthew Chance
3. Dana Bash
4. Dinah Brand
5. Reno Starkey
6. Candy Crowley
7. Poppy Harlow
8. Miss Wonderly
9. Nick and Nora Charles
10. John and Jane King


[Answers: 2,3,6,7,10 - CNN. 1,4,5,8,9 - Hammett.
Cross-posted today at 23/6. Thanks to Chris.]

Blagojevich's Bargain Basement

Thank you for your interest in the Rod Blagojevich's Bargain Basement Illinois Legislature Blowout Sale! Below is a price list of the items currently available. Fax in your order now and and get a Chipotle burrito with each purchase!

-Illinois U.S. Senate Seat (pre-order now; avail. on January 20) - $1,500,000
-Illinois State Senate Seat - $750,000
-Secretary of Health and Human Services post - $300,000
-Chairmanship of the Board of the Tribune Company - was $100,000, now $1
-Position of Ombudsman at The Chicago Tribune - $50,000 a year plus benefits
-Rights to the domain name www.BlagoBlog.com - $90
-New 8-lane toll highway - $2,500,000,000 and you have to name your first-born son "Rod"
-Pizza date with Tony Rezko including 2 tickets to "Slumdog Millionaire" - $29
-Chicago Ambassadorship to Washington, D.C. (we have those, right?) - $500,000,000
-Mahogany desk, ergonomic office chair, telephone and PC computer, previously belonging to Chief of Staff John Harris, who won't be needing them anymore - $627.06
-The Republic Windows and Doors factory in Chicago's North Side, and all 600,000 previously-employed people currently protesting inside it - $10
-First Base starting position on the Chicago Cubs - was $12,999,000, now $12.99!
-The rights to the movie "Chicago" - $400,000
-Original vinyl copy of the 1978 album Hot Streets by Chicago - $48
-The University of Chicago - $9,999,999,999,999.99
-Half-eaten 7-grain bagel with scallion cream cheese that may or may not have been discarded by President-elect Barack Obama - $300

[Cross-posted at 23/6 and AAR.]

ObamaPerks

Overheard at work yesterday:
Woman: Did you know that if you go into a Starbucks and you say "I voted," they give you a free coffee? And at Dunkin' Donuts you get a free donut, and at Ben n' Jerry's you get a free ice cream cone.
Man: Why can't I just lie and say I voted when I didn't?
Woman: You can.
Man: This is the best country ever. I love America.

Overheard in the street late last night:
Boy: Yo, you going to school tomorrow?
Girl: Hell no! Obama just gave us the day off!

It's over!

Stevie Wonder is pumping through the speakers of Obama camps across the country, people are literally dancing in the streets outside my house, and I find myself unable to snark any more on this fine evening. Goodnight from the Lonesome Lumberjack.

Live-snarking.

Hey folks, took me a while to get warmed up but I've been live-blogging the election coverage for Air America here. Cable news, verdict: Ridiculous. Electoral votes: Almost certain.

Is something important happening today? I can't remember.

Voting Booth Checklist!

Hey! Election Day is exciting, and you might forget things! So when you leave the house to go vote today, keep this checklist handy! First you have to decide whether you're a Democrat (D) or a Republican (R), so if you don't know yet, you might want to get on that, ok!

BRING A FORM OF ID, JUST IN CASE:
Democrats - Drivers license and a utility bill
Republicans - T.G.I.F. punch card, Buy 9 Jalapeno Popper Platters and Get 1 Free!

TO LISTEN TO ON THE WAY THERE:
(D) - iPod, tuned to Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Stevie Wonder
(R) - Windows Zune, tuned to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence

TO READ WHILE WAITING IN LINE:
(D) - The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein and a copy of The New Yorker
(R) - The Washington Times editorial page, the childrens' book Everybody Poops, and a pile of Bazooka wrappers

TO BRING INTO THE BOOTH:
(D) - Cellphone with video camera to record your vote being immediately flipped to McCain
(R) - Trifocals on a red rhinestone chain and your lucky autographed picture of Jason Robards

AND DON'T FORGET TO WEAR:
(D) - A big Obama/Biden pin
(R) - A cloud of rage and self-loathing

[cross-posted on 236.com and AirAmerica.com]

Things I Heard McCain Compared to in Post-Debate Analysis This Week

1. Garden gnome
2. Dancing lizard
3. Grumpy old man
4. Angry troll
5. Axe murderer
6. Manchurian candidate
7. Vomiting monster-dragon
8. Grimace, the McDonald's character
9. Person in obvious gastrointestinal distress
10. Pile of mashed potatoes with teeth

[Posted on 23/6]

Bloggin' the Prezzies

I'm participating in tonight's live-blogging of the 3rd Presidential Debate over at AirAmerica.com here with my coworkers Beau and Tim.

Nailing Jell-O To the Wall

"Pinning down Senator Obama's tax proposals is like nailing Jell-O to the wall." -- Sen. John McCain in last night's presidential debate in Nashville, TN.

Colloquialisms That Didn't Make the Cut:

1. Building a smokestack out of post-its and gum
2. Throwing darts at the neighborhood paperboy
3. Jack-hammering a spaghetti sandwich
4. Catching a storm-cloud in your angry fists
5. Giving a penicillin shot to a waterfall
6. Rolling down the stairs onto an elephant's stomach
7. Chewing on a battery to make your car run
8. Filling a Spam can with your hopes and dreams
9. Playing a trumpet in the ear of a mosquito
10. Pooping in a movin' caboose

UPDATE: From GYRA in comments, this is too good to pass up...

Oddly enough,
1. = John McCain's nuclear energy proposals
2. = John McCain's plan for dealing with Latin American dictators
3. = John McCain's agricultural trade proposals
4. = John McCain's grasp of climate change
5. = John McCain's health care plan
6. = John McCain's economic safety net
7. = John McCain's favorite alternative fuel
8. = John McCain hates Barack Obama.
9. = Sarah Palin.
10.= John McCain's suggestion for dealing with radioactive waste

Reasons CNN Gives Me Nightmares

1. "Brain-wasting Mad Cow Disease"
2. "A Hurricane headed for Cape Fear"
3. "McCain and Obama in a statistical dead heat"
4. "Complete economic meltdown"
5. "Tainted milk"
6. "Sponsored by Clean Coal"
7. "George Bush to address the nation tonight"
8. John King's shape-shifting touch-screen electoral state map
9. "Yaz" commercials
10. Jack Cafferty

Live-Bloggin' the Palin Party!

Besides taking a hearty gulp of pumpkin ale every time Sarah Palin says the word "maverick," my buddy Jake and I will be participating in 23/6's Live-blog during the VP debate tonight. You can read it HERE (not here) starting at 8:30 pm eastern.

Presidential Chessboard: the Republicans

KING: Ronald Reagan

QUEEN: Richard Nixon

KNIGHTS:
Andrew Jackson
John Adams

BISHOPS:
George W. Bush
Herbert Hoover

ROOKS:
Ulysses Grant
Calvin Coolidge

PAWNS:
Dwight Eisenhower
Gerald Ford
Andrew Johnson
Theodore Roosevelt
Warren Harding
John Tyler
Martin Van Buren
Rutherford Hayes

Presidential Chessboard: the Democrats

KING: Franklin D. Roosevelt

QUEEN: John F. Kennedy

KNIGHTS:
Abraham Lincoln
Thomas Jefferson

BISHOPS:
Bill Clinton
Jimmy Carter

ROOKS:
George Washington
James Madison

PAWNS:
Harry Truman
Woodrow Wilson
Grover Cleveland
John Quincy Adams
James Monroe
Lyndon Johnson
Zachary Taylor
James Buchanan

(They don't pay us anything)

Shockingly, the liveblog that Jake and I wrote on Friday also got posted on 23/6 here on Saturday. With a brand new duo bio pic! Hey-oo.

Live-blogging the First Presidential Debate

by JAKE GOLDMAN and me.

9:04 - OH MY GOD I am so excited!
9:05 - Obama's eyebrows are exciting.
9:08 - Who the fuck picked out McCain's tie? Japanese Anime Animators? Am I right here?
9:09 - "This is the end of the beginning" Finally! We can get to the middle! I love the middle! That's where all the crazy shit happens! Fuck the end!
9:12 - I think by the end of the night, Jim Lehrer is going to get McCain to sit on Obama's lap.
9:15 - "I've got a pen--" What will McCain bring out next of his fantastic prop-bag?! "I have tap-dancing shoes. See? And I'm going to tap dance all over regulation. Or is it de-regulation. Hey! Where's my chips? Oh. There they are. I've got chips--"
9:17 - Obama just said "fill up on this gas," as it were the first time he's ever heard of the concept of gas.
9:19 - Fun fact I just learned: Barack Obama is a woman? (He won miss congeniality?)
9:21 - Holy shit, Obama just looked terrifying when he asked Lehrer if he could respond. Guys, do you think he carries knives?
9:23 - This is a classic example of talkin' the talk, and walkin' the walk. Also of singin' the song, drummin on drums, eatin' the food, and puttin on socks.
9:25 - Oil companies would get an additional 4 billion dollars of tax cuts under McCain's plan? Sounds good to me! They've been working so hard they deserve a break. A break big enough to buy 18 jets.
9:26 - Every time McCain laughs, I have flashbacks to the Halloween of 1989 when my cousin Steve set fire to my jack-o-lantern. Terrifying. Still have nightmares. Would rather not talk about it.
9:27 - Obama = Flag pin. McCain = no flag pin. COUNTRY FIRST? MORE LIKE, WARDROBE FIRST!!!! LADIES?
9:36 - "I want the families to make the decisions between the doctors and diseases." Yup! Sounds about right.
9:38 - Obama: "Your president presided over an orgy of spending." Hey-o!!! Obama has got SOME kind of wild party planned in Oxford after this.
9:41 - I'm sorry folks. Let's get real here for a second: $600 billion. 4,000 lives lost. And this other guy over here is talking about "victory."
9:42 - Hey guys-- hey guys! If you get elected president, you don't have to deal with Iraq anymore. That shit already happened. So all you guys sitting around going "Man , I don't know if I want to be president...all that war stuff...what do I do????" Worry no more! The next president won't have to question anything! LET'S GO AMERICA!
9:47 - Obama's gonna get tired of talking, interrupting McCain every other word to correct every single douchey lie that jack-o-lantern tells.
9:48 - Lehrer: "Afghanistan. What is it. Discuss."
10:00 - "Hey! We both wear bracelets!"
10:02 - Join the Al-Qaeda Columbia House today! For just 15 cents you'll get a video each week. (costs more for beheadings)
10:03 - "Listen, I've been to anyplace that has the word 'stan' in it. Those are all dangerous places, ok? I was also tortured."
10:06 - Obama's centrifuge research is unmatched.
10:10 - Can anyone tell me what the fuck these "pre-conditions" are? Hands behind back? No skateboards? Knives are cool if they are blunt? No cheese on omelettes? All ham party? I hope it's an all ham party.
10:20 - I looked into Putin's eyes and saw a K, a G and a B. And a lemon. And a cherry. And a bunch of sevens. And then I saw this wild boar eat a cement building. Hey, can we take a break? I ate some bad veal.
10:23 - Seriously though, McCain does look like a jack-o-lantern. Guys. It's sad.
10:24 - On energy, let's all think, WWTBPD? what would T. Boone Pickens do?!
10:30 - McCain: You guys-- Obama's dumb, ok?
10:35 - McCain: I can keep Americans safe. I am America's Grandpa!
10:36 - McCain: I don't need on-the-job-training. I know how to cook a hamburger, ok? Ok. Let me just...know, I can handle this I can...just shh...you use a lot of oil...whaaa..whoooaaaaa...WHAAAAAAA. Well. I've lost a hand.
10:37 - McCain: I know how to heal the wounds of the war. Just come by my house. I will heal your wounds by the touch.
10:40 - Chris Matthews: I am a hologram! See my hair and listen to my words!
10:43 - Why does Pat Buchanan always look like he's trying to take a shit?
10:44 - This has been well worth it.

Live-blogging Bush's Speech Last Night on the Economy

9:00 - Bush on why 11 zeroes of corporate welfare dollars is a "good idea." Can't wait.
9:01 - Deer in headlights. Poor guy.
9:02 - Seriously, are his eyes made of glass?
9:03 - "How did our economy reach this point, you may ask? Homeownership and optimism and America being generally awesome and all the other countries being totally jealous of us are all to blame."
9:04 - In my opinion, his mispronunciation of the word "particularly" is "particularly" egregious.
9:06 - "I'm a strong believer of free market enterprise and deregulation. Um...but...yeah. Yep. Yeaaaaahhhhh." [Falls asleep with eyes open...]
9:08 - He's right, I AM worried about my farm.
9:09 - Is it just me? I don't really care if it's a "bi-partisan" bill. It just needs to work, yes? And I don't necessarily trust Douchey McCongressman over there in the cloakroom hottub smoking a pipe with a crew of bikini-clad Pharmaceutical reps to be on top of all this economic goulash.
9:11 - Oh wait, our taxpayers' dollars might actually get paid BACK? Or, might NOT? Well why didn't you say so! It sounds like gambling, and that sounds fun! I'm in.
9:12 - I went to Mohegan Sun once when I was in college. Had a couple white russians, looked at the fake stars on the ceiling, played some slots, almost bought a diamond(?) necklace out of a vending machine in the ladies' room. Broke even with my bucket of quarters and went home. So, cross that off life's to-do list.
9:13 - "We can't let regulation hamper the economy's ability to grow?" I'm sorry, what was this speech about again? Oh right, the biggest economic crisis since the Great Depression, which was directly caused by rampant corruption that DEregulation allowed. Cool. I forgot for a second.
9:14 - I wonder if people really did wear barrels w/ suspenders during the Depression. Sounds supremely uncomfortable, more so than wearing rags, or paper bags or something. I mean, doesn't it get in the way of your arms, which you would need for, like, fishing for tires in the East River, carrying a bindle, etc?
9:15 - Well at least that was short. Is Project Runway on? YESSSssssss.....

Rush Transcript of the House Financial Services Committee Hearing with Paulson and Bernanke

CHAIRMAN OF THE FEDERAL RESERVE BEN BERNANKE: Keep in mind that I have a background in academic theory...not Wall Street experience per se.

REP. BARNEY FRANK (D-MA): You know what? This is retarded. I'm out.

[Meeting adjourns.]

Rush Transcript of the Senate Banking Committee Hearing with Paulson and Bernanke

SEN. CHRIS DODD (D-CT): "Secretary Paulson, I've looked over your proposal. It is stunning and unprecedented in both its scope and lack of detail."

TREASURY SECRETARY HENRY PAULSON: La la la I can't hear you! Right, guys? Ha.

DODD: "...and it would allow this secretary and his successors to act with utter and absolute impunity, without review by any agency or a court of law."

PAULSON: Can we fire Chris Cox? Where is that guy? I wanna donkey-punch him.

SEC CHAIRMAN CHRISTOPHER COX: I'm sitting right next to you.

PAULSON: Burn!

DODD: "...after reading this proposal, I can only conclude that it is not our economy that is at risk, but our Constitution as well."

PAULSON: Hey Ben, turn off your iPod. Are you listening?

FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE: [takes off headphones and puts down huge bowl of ice cream] Wha?

SEN. RICHARD SHELBY (R-AL): "What troubles me most is that we have been given no credible assurances that this plan will work. We could very well spend $700 billion or a trillion and not resolve the crisis!"

PAULSON: You know what? I think it'll be fun either way? And like, we'll all learn something?

SEN. MICHAEL ENZI (R-Wyo.): "This bailout will cost every man, woman and child in America $2,300."

PAULSON: That's how much my new coffeemaker cost!

DODD: "It angers me to think about the authors of this calamity walking away with golden parachutes while taxpayers pick up the bill."

PAULSON: You don't think I'm angry? I'm really angry! When I left Goldman Sachs I had over $600 million in stock options and now they are worthless!

COX: Didn't you have to get rid of those because of the conflict of interest?

PAULSON: The what of who? Uh, unclear.

BERNANKE: How many zeroes is in a million and a billion?

PAULSON: That's the thing...no one really knows!

SHELBY: "Wasn't it Alan Greenspan who said that the rate of borrowing in the American economy and the high percentage of income that Americans were spending on their homes posed a relatively small risk to the mortgage market?"

PAULSON: Greenspan? He's not real. He's been digital since '87.

COX: Can I just say something? If we don't make some progress here, we'll all be paying like $400 for a loaf of bread next week.

SHELBY: We will not be rushed through this process by scare tactics!

COX: OK. But just so you know, if the dollar sinks below $0.50 against the Euro, all the buses in Los Angeles will explode.

[Loud banging on the door]

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY: Let me in! Let me into Congress! Graaaaarrrr!

SHELBY: Just ignore him, he'll tire himself out and then we'll put him to bed.

PAULSON: That's not what you said last night!

SHELBY: I'm sorry?

PAULSON: I accept your apology.

SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER (D-NY): HOW DARE YOU, SIR.

[Meeting adjourns]

[posted today on 23/6]