Thursday, May 14, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
2. So I went to go say hi to ___ today. That was my first mistake, obviously.
3. Did you hear ___ quit? Not like anyone will even notice.
4. I'm throwing my fucking back out frowning at everyone over here, it's exhausting.
5. Oh really? That's interesting. Let me set my Google News Alert to "fuck you".
Thursday, May 7, 2009
3. Have a coughing fit, hopefully one in which they violently spit out a mouthful of liquid
4. Pee a little
5. Slam their fist on the tabletop and make the teacups clatter
6. Get angry (if they don't like laughing)
7. Veer their car off the road into a cornfield
8. Embrace Jesus
9. Catch on fire and launch into space
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
2. The tribe of Native Americans that Christopher Columbus first encountered upon landing in the Bahamas was called the Arawaks, and the small pieces of gold that they wore as ear-ornaments inspired him to mine for gold throughout the Caribbean.
3. If you fall asleep while standing in a bagel store, you forfeit your place in line.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
1. Dr. Octagon
2. Dr. K
3. Doc Holiday
4. Mr. Sipp Soda
5. Select Dr. D
6. Dr. Riffic
7. Dr. Smooth
9. Doc Shasta
10. Dr. Schnee
11. Dr. Randall
12. Dr. HyTop
13. Dr. Dazzle
14. Dr. Radical
15. Dr. Delight
Post your guesses in comments...answers in tomorrow's post. No cheating!
Friday, April 24, 2009
I. St. Patrick's Day
Board Operator: Can I drink beer in the studio today?
Programming Director: Weren't you the one who spilled champagne on the studio controls and shorted out the phone system on election night?
Board Operator: God, that happened ONE TIME, okay??
II. Earth Day
Board Operator, to radio host, before show: Okay so for Earth Day, do you want me to get the kid pooping in the bucket?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
2. Drive through waterfall
3. Trick your neighbor into doing it for you by switching your license plates with his
4. Have kids, wait 10 years
5. Trick your cat into doing it for you
6. Sell your car to a clean person, buy it back
7. Sit on hood, read Bridge to Terabithia and wash it with your tears
8. Cover it in chocolate syrup and get real hungry
9. Put it in the dishwasher
10. Make a car out of soap
Monday, April 20, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
2. Glared at
3. Batteries, one dollar only
4. Burger King crowns, one dollar only
5. Hepatitis C
6. Cursed and/or blessed on behalf of the Lord Jesus Christ
7. An elbow to the kidney when a seat opens up
8. The advice to smile, life can't be that bad
9. An evocative sense of time and place
10. Strong opinions, stronger odors
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
2. Networking at a funeral
3. Sleeping in a bar
4. Eating hamburgers in church
5. Praying on TV
6. Yodeling in court
7. Doing coke on the White House tour
8. Throwing a javelin in a coffee shop
9. Reading the newspaper on a first date
10. Snoring in my bed (seriously, get the hell out)
Monday, April 13, 2009
An Arizona comologist urged scientists to search for a "shadow biosphere" that may exist, undetected, alongside our own. Shadow life, it has been suggested, would be descended of a "second genesis" and would prove that life on Earth evolved twice over.
A British astrophysicist calculated that 37,964 planets in the Milky Way are sufficiently hospitable to harbor higher life forms and that 361 are likely home to intelligent civilizations.
A Florida synthetic-biology lab announced the creation of a chemical compound capable of Darwinian evolution but said that the compoud was not yet capable of living on its own. "It is not self-sustaining," explained the lab's head scientist. "You have to have a graduate student stand there and feed it."
Friday, April 10, 2009
1. Check out people's ridiculous fan pages and taking-themselves-too-seriously satire pages online! Or, for sticklers and purists, Peeps has an official site where you can go on a virtual tour of the JustBorn factory.
2. For the more adventurous, do scientific experiments on them! Freeze them with nitrogen and hit them with a hammer! Put them in a vacuum and shoot them into space! Whatever!
3. Purchase and then wear disgusting-sounding Peep Lip Balm!
4. Check out the annual Peep Diorama Contest at The Washington Post! You wouldn't believe some of the poses people put those peeps in... The Seattle Times, St. Paul Pioneer Press, and Chicago Tribune all have photo galleries, too.
5. Put them in your favorite Hitchcock film!
6. Make your own at home, following this video tutorial!
7. Or take some store-bought ones and bake them into a pie!
8. Write poems to your peeps!
9. Sing along to this album of songs all about peeps!
10. And finally, my personal favorite...dress your kids in them!
[Cross-posted at Air America]
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Please sponsor my blog. Your peach salsa, a distinctive blend of sun-ripened peaches and smoky jalapenos, is, as advertised, not too hot, not too sweet. I can absolutely understand why your Original Peach Salsa has won a 1st Place award from Chili Pepper Magazine's Fiery Foods Challenge, and American Taste Award of Excellence and a 1st place Scovie Award from Fiery Foods Magazine. You promised me that, with one bite, I'd be blazing a path to the bottom of the jar in no time. And you delivered on that promise, D.L. Jardine's, you delivered tenfold. You may send your support for my blog in the form of a six-pack of 16.5 oz jars of your delicious Peach Salsa; alternately, I will accept your Chuckwagon Seasoning Sampler and not complain.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Names in my workplace's email activist database I think are spam:
Mr. Mature Slut
Ms. Pantyhose Sex
Mr. Fabric Fabric
Mrs. Ringtones Ringtones
Mr. Teen Voyeur
Mr. cheap phentermine Rodrigues
Names I think are real:
Rob Roy McGregor
Names I am unsure about:
Mrs. Magnolia Mallard
Hoc X. Cao
Thursday, March 26, 2009
2. Falling asleep on the floor at the height of the party (I have also done this)
3. Bringing "Axis and Allies," expectantly
4. Marriage proposals, divorce proposals
5. Dog-whistle race politics
6. Selling magazine subscriptions
7. Spin art
8. High school fight songs
10. Television repair
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I.) Economy explainer: "The problem, what's really going on here, is that the banks have underwritten some bad loans and now they don't have enough capital to cover their a... their... their.... debts!"
II.) Melissa Block: "This is All Things Considered on NPR, I'm Robert S -- I'm Melissa Block."
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
2. I saw Beck on the subway on my way to work this morning. He looked sad.
3. I have two glass eyes.
4. I have a fiberglass face. Go on, touch it!
5. I can recite a full Catholic mass in the original Latin.
6. I don't really think domestic abuse is that big of a deal. Is that weird?
7. I actually really like Josh Groban's music. Yes, it's true, I would go to a concert of his if I had the chance.
8. I have more money than I know what to do with. Any ideas?
9. I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you, too, have a glass eye.
10. Hi, so nice to meet you.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
2. US Research Suggests that Mental Powers Decline At Age 27
3. Woman Buys Used Couch and Finds Living Cat Inside
4. John Mayer Twitters About His Feelings, Writes "This heart didn't come with instructions"
5. Tourist at Nudist Colony Refuses to Take Clothes Off and Causes a Mini-riot
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
2. Feb. 15: Mary is scratching her head! Can I not become Mary Joan?
3. Feb. 16: Mary is Wondering how to put my photo into FaceBook. It is not digital?
4. Feb. 17: Mary is amazed that she has found the "Friend Requests" I hope that now I am officially Nick's friend????
5. Feb. 18: Mary is lost! Thhis FaceBook does not use Verizon so I made up a yahoo one. I wrote it down along with my Password. Now they day the password in incorrect! The sky i.
6. Feb. 19: Mary is really Mary Joan!
7. Feb. 25: Mary Joan is getting ready to watch Duke beat Maryland! [Comment: Mary Joan Kirchner likes this.]
8. Mar. 1: Mary Joan is wide awake at 1:53 AM! I have so many things to think about!
9. Mar. 1: Mary Joan is home from church and ready for a nap.
10. Mar. 3: Mary Joan is waiting to see the new episode of John Adams and knit a new dish cloth.
[Note: I did not make these up. She is awesome.]
Thursday, March 12, 2009
2. Wolverine Was Too in The Avengers
3. "I Am a Crazy Person": The Musical
4. Get In the Stroller Right Now
5. I Know Bro, No One's Hiring: That's the Way It Is
6. Let's All Argue About How Much We'd Pay a Prostitute For a B.J.
7. Yeah Man I Freakin LOVE Van Gogh: An Insistence
8. You a Pretty Young Thing, You Don't Wanna Talk, Alright
9. Let's Debate Whether the Girl at Work is Cute-Pregnant or Fat-Pregnant
10. WHAT is that smell.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
2. Clean out attic
3. Public library
4. Rent U-Haul, just drive
5. Go to church
6. Blood Oaths
7. Deception Island, Antarctica: 62 57' S, 60 38' W
8. Visit Mom in the hospital
9. Local community college acapella concert
10. Survive plane crash in the Hudson together
Monday, March 9, 2009
2. Age 10: 5th Grade classroom (for laughing)
3. Age 13: 8th Grade classroom (for telling my teacher that he was being patronizing)
4. Age 14: A "Claire's" Accessory Store (my friends and I were taking pictures of each other wearing their tiaras without buying anything)
5. Age 17: 11th Grade classroom (for laughing)
6. Age 18: College improv group (was not funny enough at the time)
7. Age 19: A Long Island grocery store (for trying to buy beer by pretending to be a German exchange student who could not speak English when asked for my ID)
8. Age 20: My first long-term relationship in college (he got bored)
9. Age 21: A London bus (had not bought a ticket)
10. Age 24: Job at a toddler gym on the Upper East Side (refused to talk to kids in a high-pitched baby voice)
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
2. The Crying Crows
3. The Glaring Owls
4. The Blood-thirsty Patriots
5. The Green Beavers
6. The Approaching Storm
7. The Tall Glass of Milk
8. The Unfounded Aggression
9. The Yellow Fever
10. The Scared Baby Sharks
*[#1 and 6 are real.]
Monday, March 2, 2009
1. A swinging door
2. Bleu cheese dressing
3. Coat ownership argument
4. Photo finish
5. Chicken pot pie
6. Gnome thievery
7. Cauldron (“witch’s”)
8. Glue factory
9. Wedding cake (not mine)
10. Cat food (smelled like turkey…did not taste like turkey)
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
1. Brian Dennehey - At a Barnes & Noble in Framingham, MA. - He shook my hand. His hands were wet.
2. Angela Lansbury - A black-tie banquet, the Hilton Grand Ballroom. - She sat one table away and either didn't hear or ignored me when I hummed the theme from "Murder, She Wrote."
3. Rachel Weiss - She recoiled in horror, shielding her infant, as my dog had terrible diarrhea all over Second Avenue.
by DORSEY SHAW:
1. Woody Harrelson - He came to play tennis with his lawyer at the SF country club I used to work at. He asked me if I thought the Pro's got bored of hitting balls all day long. I said, "Probably." He was really stoned.
2. Anton Newcombe - At the Library Bar. He chased down some punk who stole the bar's tips. He was druunk, hair was greasy, eyes were wild. I left with his ex-girlfriend. Rock.
3. Margaret Cho - She said she liked my name and then told me to listen to Broken Social Scene. I did.
by SARA MORRISON:
1. Princess Diana (and Prince Charles): my family was standing outside Buckingham Palace way back in 1991 when we were stopped from crossing the driveway by a police officer. Then all these police cars drove past through the open gate. Then another car. Inside it was Princess Diana and Prince Charles. They were still married back then. He was reading a newspaper. She was just sitting there. I nudged my mother and told her, and she could not contain her excitement. She screamed "IT'S PRINCESS DIANA!" At this point, quite a crowd of people waiting to cross the street had gathered behind us, and they all loved Princess Diana as much as my mother did, so they all started surging forward to get a look before the car drove by. And that is how my mother started a mini-riot and embarrassed us at the same time.
by JESSALEE LANDFRIED:
1. James Van Der Beek - I was on a plane with him while "Dawson's Creek" was still on the air (he flew Southwest, so humble!), and I didn't have any paper with me for him to sign, so I got him to sign a barf bag.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
1. Donald Trump: bumped into (literally) on the sidewalk in front of the Plaza Hotel in NYC — extremely well dressed and in an extreme hurry.
2. Hugh Hefner: rubbed elbows at a luncheon at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in NYC — extremely short and homely with an extremely tall and beautiful wife.
3. Ralph Nader: stood next to in coat-check line at Mayflower Hotel in
4. Nancy Reagan: suddenly realized I was standing next to her (she was unaccompanied) as we waited on a street corner near the White House for light to change so we could cross the street — unbelievably short and thin (maybe 4’10” an 90 lbs) with an unbelievably huge head.
5. Michael Douglas: sat next to at a technology in media conference in
6. Patrick Ewing (NBA Hall of Famer): stood next to in elevator in
7. Larry Holmes (former heavy-weight boxing champion): at conference in
8. Phil Lesh and Bob Weir: at party following Grateful Dead concert — total stoners.
9. B.B. King: at private party in
10. Steve Jobs: participating in technology and politics confab as part of National Governor’s Association meeting in
11. Bill Gates: shared lunch and chat on three or four occasions on East and
12. Bernard Ebbers: met the former WorldCom chairman several times and later hosted and introduced him at a National Press Club luncheon in Washington, D.C. shortly before he was sentenced to 10 years in jail for $11 billion in stock fraud — appeared to be the most down-to-earth, honest, good-ol-country-boy businessman I’d ever met.
Monday, February 23, 2009
by JAKE GOLDMAN:
1. Dennis Haskins (a.k.a. Mr. Belding) - babysat him for a weekend in Syracuse, NY. He ate anything that was put in front of him and talked while he was eating about how inspiring our college comedy group was.
2. Lil Wayne - I shot an interview with him - He was really tiny and did not take off his sunglasses and when I told him I liked an obscure song of his he said "oh word? who dis?" and pointed at me and then he took a picture with me that I have and forever cherish.
3. Hulk Hogan - sat in a sound booth with him while he watched his daughter perform - He called all of us "brother" and told us he auditioned to be the bassist for both Metallica and the Rolling Stones. I do not believe him.
by LAURA McMILLAN:
1. Ted Kennedy - Wesleyan University dorm room - not actually a lion
2. Marcia Ball - my great-uncle's funeral - is a skinny white lady with mom hair
3. Katie Couric - restaurant in Spain - unexciting. Has an annoying daughter (translation: I resented her fluency in Spanish and consequent ability to flirt with the hot waiter).
by AARON REUBEN:
1. I met John McCain - Charleston, SC Barnes and Noble book signing (1999) - He has goddamn enormous hands.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Re: "Prince Family Paper," The Office: Season 5, Episode 12
Why can't people just watch tv and enjoy it for once. Everyone always has to critique everything and describe just how bad it is. Do you people like anything? What's the point of watching if all your doing is pointing out how much you don't like it. Seriously, just watch TV and stop complaining. I like the office and just humor in general.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
"Oh, durbo cheese stuffed with trefoil, camminog, meat of the vibola, roast bandrilog seeds, satcha oil hotcakes, young Dollit chicken in Sauce Donald, giant broom berries, creme de la berkish tollick, serbine of vellit, pickled teetingle, chocolate wall hermans, trail lemons, Rhinebeck hot pots with fresh armando, parrifoo of aminule, vanilla lens arrows, fertile beaties, archbestial bloodwurst, Turkish calendar cake, fried berlac chippings, cocktail of ballroom pig, vellum cream cake, undercurrents, crispt of tough boxer lamb, sugared action terries, merry rubint nuts, and rasta blood-chicken with sauce Arnold." (p. 352)Hungry? Me neither. But it makes me want to read even more slowly. And then it makes me want to make up some of my own. Like... Burnt hat-velvet crumbcake. Pureed fintoon-bread. Aged foil blossoms.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
1. Don't buy flowers: instead, make your own out of paper, fabric, or an old shoe you're not using anymore.
2. Don't go to a bed & breakfast: instead, take a walk in the park together! If you don't live near a park, look at a picture of a park in a magazine. If you don't live near a magazine, tell each other stories about parks you have been to. If you've never been to a park, say the word "park" to each other over and over.
3. Instead of expensive jewelry, your special lady might enjoy a "gift certificate" for something that you promise to do for her in the future, like wash her car, give her a massage, or stop covertly draining her bank account to finance your secret family in St. Louis.
4. Instead of going out dancing, stay in and sleep! Just sleep. All day and night. Because guess what, sleepin's free!
5. Instead of a pricey bottle of champagne, put water in a champagne glass and just tell them it's champagne! They won't know!
6. Don't go out to dinner. Ever again.
7. Donate blood together, and don't tell your special guy or gal you stole the idea from Dylan and Brenda on 90210.
8. Buy recycled candy instead of new!
9. Find out what your significant other values more than anything else in the world and then use that to mock and insult him/her until he/she breaks up with you the day before Valentine's Day. Then you're in the clear, Romeo! Apologize on February 15th and no harm done, you've just saved a pretty penny.
10. Go to a zoo and watch animals do it.
[Posted today on HuffPost and AirAmerica.]
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Dorsey: My name is Simon, and I like to do drawrings.
Gyra: I'm glard Lonesome Lumberjack is back. I was lornley without it.
RufusQStripe: Rarlies was the word blogger made me type in to corment.
Jake: Hi, can you give me direrctions to Cleveland?
(Me: That's pretty good, but I like Creveland better.)
Rachel: I don't understrand.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
1. Prarctice makes perfect.
2. Why are you laurghing? It's not funny.
3. Am I distrarcting you?
4. I think I need a new jorb.
5. I lorve this chicken salad!
6. Boys and grirls are different.
7. Happy Birthday, blow out the carndles!
8. Call me on the trelephone.
9. I like this show, but it's so melodramartic.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
2. Ben and Jerry's "Chubby Hubby" ice cream
3. The power of logic and the magic of math
4. Friendly fat and furry cats
5. The New York Times website
6. A new pair of scissors and a pile of National Geographics
7. That new Junot Diaz novel I've been meaning to read
8. "Visiter" by The Dodos (Frenchkiss Records, 2008)
9. Finding my old clarinet from high school marching band and still knowing how to play it
10. You, dear reader.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
I'm afraid I'm going to pass, but I think this reply would look awfully good on your right forearm.
>Tattoos I Want to Get
>by Lauren Kirchner<mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org>
>Nicolas Cage's face, life-sized, superimposed on my face
>Studio portrait of my future family
>Siskel & Ebert's Thumbs Up / Thumbs Down logo (on my boobs)
>Musical score of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
>New York City subway map, just for convenience
>Phone numbers & addresses of ex-boyfriends
>Chinese character for "ironic"
>My latest rejection letter from McSweeney's
>A frowning baby head on my bicep
Friday, January 9, 2009
A letter to the editor that my dad received at the newspaper where he works (he is the editorial page editor at the Durham Herald-Sun), in response to the prompt, "What's your New Year's resolution?":
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
2. Matthew Chance
3. Dana Bash
4. Dinah Brand
5. Reno Starkey
6. Candy Crowley
7. Poppy Harlow
8. Miss Wonderly
9. Nick and Nora Charles
10. John and Jane King
[Answers: 2,3,6,7,10 - CNN. 1,4,5,8,9 - Hammett.
Cross-posted today at 23/6. Thanks to Chris.]
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
2. Nantucket Nectars juice (Carrot Orange Mango flavor)
3. Sunny-side-up eggs on buttered toast
4. Enormous black bean burrito
5. Tomato Soup and a huge round roll
6. Large coffee w/ whole milk and 1 sugar
7. Tropicana grapefruit juice (Some Pulp)
8. Sharp cheddar cheese on Wheat Thins
9. Hot oatmeal with a pile of brown sugar on top
10. Cup of room-temperature water and 2 more hours of sleep