Thursday, May 14, 2009

Unorthodox Professions For a Muppet

by EVAN SIMKO-BEDNARSKI, guest blogger

1. Neurosurgeon
2. Hit-man
3. Puppeteer
4. Dry Cleaner
5. Firefighter
6. Actuary
7. Underwear Model
8. Attorney General
9. Hostage Negotiator
10. Professor of German Studies

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Meanest Things Said Today By One of My Miserable, Miserable Coworkers

1. How hard do I have to frown at people before they realize that I don't like them?
2. So I went to go say hi to ___ today. That was my first mistake, obviously.
3. Did you hear ___ quit? Not like anyone will even notice.
4. I'm throwing my fucking back out frowning at everyone over here, it's exhausting.
5. Oh really? That's interesting. Let me set my Google News Alert to "fuck you".

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Best Things People Sometimes Do When You Make Them Laugh Unexpectedly

1. Snort
2. Weep
3. Have a coughing fit, hopefully one in which they violently spit out a mouthful of liquid
4. Pee a little
5. Slam their fist on the tabletop and make the teacups clatter
6. Get angry (if they don't like laughing)
7. Veer their car off the road into a cornfield
8. Embrace Jesus
9. Catch on fire and launch into space
10. Barf

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Random Facts I Learned Over the Weekend

1. Urban developer Robert Moses held political power through the offices of six consecutive governors of New York and five consecutive NYC mayors.

2. The tribe of Native Americans that Christopher Columbus first encountered upon landing in the Bahamas was called the Arawaks, and the small pieces of gold that they wore as ear-ornaments inspired him to mine for gold throughout the Caribbean.

3. If you fall asleep while standing in a bagel store, you forfeit your place in line.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Possible Titles For a Memoir of My New York
City Years

1. Why Does Everything Have to Smell Like Cigarettes and Poop?: A Memoir

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dr. Pepper/Rapper Game Answers!

Thanks to everybody who gave their best guesses on yesterday's quiz. If you're like me, you will be delighted to learn that out of the 15 names below, only two are rappers: Dr. Octagon and D-Nice. All the rest are Dr. Pepper knockoffs, which Jonathan and Dan found on this site, Fake Dr. Pepper Land. Check it out; there are so many more there in the incredibly extensive gallery that didn't make it into the quiz. My personal favorite is Giant Eagle Brand's "Mr. aahh".

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Pop Quiz: Dr. Pepper Knockoff or Rapper?

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER and DAN MORRIS, guest bloggers

1. Dr. Octagon
2. Dr. K
3. Doc Holiday
4. Mr. Sipp Soda
5. Select Dr. D
6. Dr. Riffic
7. Dr. Smooth
8. D-Nice
9. Doc Shasta
10. Dr. Schnee
11. Dr. Randall
12. Dr. HyTop
13. Dr. Dazzle
14. Dr. Radical
15. Dr. Delight

Post your guesses in comments...answers in tomorrow's post. No cheating!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Friday, April 24, 2009

Overheard at Work: Holidays Edition

Note: I work at a national radio network. These are real.

I. St. Patrick's Day

Board Operator: Can I drink beer in the studio today?
Programming Director: Weren't you the one who spilled champagne on the studio controls and shorted out the phone system on election night?
Board Operator: God, that happened ONE TIME, okay??

II. Earth Day

Board Operator, to radio host, before show: Okay so for Earth Day, do you want me to get the kid pooping in the bucket?
Host: Yes.

Thursday, April 23, 2009


Yesterday I had the privilege of being a guest blogger on the excellent, hilarious and addictive site Bummer! and you can read my entry here.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Truly Terrible Gift Idea of the Day

Spotted on Amazon, advertised as "perfect for Mother's Day," this "Retro Candy Gift Box" is available in several decades. Here is their 1940's version.

(Happy Birthday, Mom! I didn't buy you this.)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Best Ways to Get Your Car Washed for Free

1. Drive through shallow lake
2. Drive through waterfall
3. Trick your neighbor into doing it for you by switching your license plates with his
4. Have kids, wait 10 years
5. Trick your cat into doing it for you
6. Sell your car to a clean person, buy it back
7. Sit on hood, read Bridge to Terabithia and wash it with your tears
8. Cover it in chocolate syrup and get real hungry
9. Put it in the dishwasher
10. Make a car out of soap

Monday, April 20, 2009

Words That Get On My Nerves For
Some Reason

1. Twitter
2. Tweet
3. Tween
4. Twee
5. Teeny
6. Teeter
7. Twit
8. Toot
9. Tort
10. Staycation

Friday, April 17, 2009

Best New Baby Names of 2009

1. Klev
2. Klarn
3. Beggles
4. Fink
5. Delgrab
6. Wouters
7. Rindin
8. Saldo
9. Mardo
10. Gary

Thursday, April 16, 2009

GOP Tea Party

Background on this story here and here. I play a small role in this video by Sam Seder from Air America's BreakRoomLive:

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Things You Can Get From a Dude on the NYC Subway

1. Directions
2. Glared at
3. Batteries, one dollar only
4. Burger King crowns, one dollar only
5. Hepatitis C
6. Cursed and/or blessed on behalf of the Lord Jesus Christ
7. An elbow to the kidney when a seat opens up
8. The advice to smile, life can't be that bad
9. An evocative sense of time and place
10. Strong opinions, stronger odors

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Out of Place

1. Knitting at a football game
2. Networking at a funeral
3. Sleeping in a bar
4. Eating hamburgers in church
5. Praying on TV
6. Yodeling in court
7. Doing coke on the White House tour
8. Throwing a javelin in a coffee shop
9. Reading the newspaper on a first date
10. Snoring in my bed (seriously, get the hell out)

Monday, April 13, 2009

Feelin' Tiny, But Okay With It

From the April issue of Harper's Magazine, under "Findings":
An Arizona comologist urged scientists to search for a "shadow biosphere" that may exist, undetected, alongside our own. Shadow life, it has been suggested, would be descended of a "second genesis" and would prove that life on Earth evolved twice over.

A British astrophysicist calculated that 37,964 planets in the Milky Way are sufficiently hospitable to harbor higher life forms and that 361 are likely home to intelligent civilizations.

A Florida synthetic-biology lab announced the creation of a chemical compound capable of Darwinian evolution but said that the compoud was not yet capable of living on its own. "It is not self-sustaining," explained the lab's head scientist. "You have to have a graduate student stand there and feed it."

Friday, April 10, 2009

Best Ways to Express Your Love for Marshmallow Peeps

Do you love marshmallow peeps? I mean, really, really love them? Don't settle for just snacking on those sugary-sweet chickadees this Easter! Thanks to the Internet, and crazy people, there's oh so much more. Happy Easter, everybody!

1. Check out people's ridiculous fan pages and taking-themselves-too-seriously satire pages online! Or, for sticklers and purists, Peeps has an official site where you can go on a virtual tour of the JustBorn factory.

2. For the more adventurous, do scientific experiments on them! Freeze them with nitrogen and hit them with a hammer! Put them in a vacuum and shoot them into space! Whatever!

3. Purchase and then wear disgusting-sounding Peep Lip Balm!

4. Check out the annual Peep Diorama Contest at The Washington Post! You wouldn't believe some of the poses people put those peeps in... The Seattle Times, St. Paul Pioneer Press, and Chicago Tribune all have photo galleries, too.

5. Put them in your favorite Hitchcock film!

6. Make your own at home, following this video tutorial!

7. Or take some store-bought ones and bake them into a pie!

8. Write poems to your peeps!

9. Sing along to this album of songs all about peeps!

10. And finally, my personal favorite...dress your kids in them!

[Cross-posted at Air America]

Thursday, April 9, 2009

For What, Exactly?

License plate spotted on a black sedan on DeKalb Ave:


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Things That I Feel Like I Should Not Enjoy,
But Do

by JAY BOREN, guest blogger

1. Asparagus pee
2. Turbulent plane flights
3. Three-legged animals
4. Fat people wearing jogging suits
5. Plucking beard hairs from my chin

Monday, April 6, 2009

Things That I Feel Like I Should Enjoy,
But Do Not

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

1. Bleu Cheese
2. Steely Dan
3. Waking Hours Between 5 and 11 AM (at least sometimes, right?)
4. Getting Tickled
5. Reading

Friday, April 3, 2009

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Words That Sound Like Body Parts But Aren't

1. Magma
2. Posthumous
3. Wicker
4. Trundle
5. Dregs
6. Phantom
7. Canoe
8. Boar
9. Coil
10. Shareware

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Site Sponsor #3

Dear D.L. Jardine's Foods,

Please sponsor my blog. Your peach salsa, a distinctive blend of sun-ripened peaches and smoky jalapenos, is, as advertised, not too hot, not too sweet. I can absolutely understand why your Original Peach Salsa has won a 1st Place award from Chili Pepper Magazine's Fiery Foods Challenge, and American Taste Award of Excellence and a 1st place Scovie Award from Fiery Foods Magazine. You promised me that, with one bite, I'd be blazing a path to the bottom of the jar in no time. And you delivered on that promise, D.L. Jardine's, you delivered tenfold. You may send your support for my blog in the form of a six-pack of 16.5 oz jars of your delicious Peach Salsa; alternately, I will accept your Chuckwagon Seasoning Sampler and not complain.

Lonesome Lumberjack

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Small Joys of Data Cleanup

by LAURA McMILLAN, guest blogger

Names in my workplace's email activist database I think are spam:
Mr. Mature Slut
Ms. Pantyhose Sex
Mr. Fabric Fabric
Mrs. Ringtones Ringtones
Mr. Teen Voyeur
Sluts Sierra
Psycho Parade
Razoo Razoo
hhlmlyeqda hhlmlyeqda
Mr. cheap phentermine Rodrigues

Names I think are real:
Larry Thickey
Noble Barker
Moosa Raffey
Donna Shookus
Tom Cheeseman
Rob Roy McGregor

Names I am unsure about:
Mrs. Magnolia Mallard
Hoc X. Cao
Dagger Rapp
Stephen Fry
Xalman Nalchimously

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Party Fouls

1. Dropping an entirely full and just-opened 40 on a hard kitchen floor (I have done this)
2. Falling asleep on the floor at the height of the party (I have also done this)
3. Bringing "Axis and Allies," expectantly
4. Marriage proposals, divorce proposals
5. Dog-whistle race politics
6. Selling magazine subscriptions
7. Spin art
8. High school fight songs
9. Menstruation
10. Television repair

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Overheard Recently on NPR

by ELIZABETH BOUDREAU, guest blogger

I.) Economy explainer: "The problem, what's really going on here, is that the banks have underwritten some bad loans and now they don't have enough capital to cover their a... their... their.... debts!"

II.) Melissa Block: "This is All Things Considered on NPR, I'm Robert S -- I'm Melissa Block."

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Best Conversation-Starting Lies

1. I have a glass eye!
2. I saw Beck on the subway on my way to work this morning. He looked sad.
3. I have two glass eyes.
4. I have a fiberglass face. Go on, touch it!
5. I can recite a full Catholic mass in the original Latin.
6. I don't really think domestic abuse is that big of a deal. Is that weird?
7. I actually really like Josh Groban's music. Yes, it's true, I would go to a concert of his if I had the chance.
8. I have more money than I know what to do with. Any ideas?
9. I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you, too, have a glass eye.
10. Hi, so nice to meet you.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Google Ad of the Day

Barack Obama: Yes or No?
10-Second Poll.>

Sustainable Inventions

1. Grass-and-Peat Laptop
2. Recycled Peanut Butter
3. Grow-Your-Own Car Exhaust Machine
4. Electric-Powered Water Bottle
5. Solar-Powered Bed

Friday, March 20, 2009


1. The smell of cooked broccoli
2. The sight of people making out on my morning commute

Thursday, March 19, 2009


1. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
2. Box wine
3. Driftwood
4. Phoenix, AZ
5. Jimmy Fallon
6. Those clown pants that chefs wear
7. Pecan pie
8. Walking on sidewalks in large groups
9. Religious pamphlets
10. Ska

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Overseen On Time Warner Cable Summaries

by MICHAEL KROLL, guest blogger

Bewitched (2005):
A real life witch (Nicole Kidman) stars in this remake of the 1960's t.v. classic.

Monday, March 16, 2009

My Grandmother's First Ten Status Updates Upon Joining Facebook

1. Feb. 10: Mary is being old and milking it for all it's worth!
2. Feb. 15: Mary is scratching her head! Can I not become Mary Joan?
3. Feb. 16: Mary is Wondering how to put my photo into FaceBook. It is not digital?
4. Feb. 17: Mary is amazed that she has found the "Friend Requests" I hope that now I am officially Nick's friend????
5. Feb. 18: Mary is lost! Thhis FaceBook does not use Verizon so I made up a yahoo one. I wrote it down along with my Password. Now they day the password in incorrect! The sky i.
6. Feb. 19: Mary is really Mary Joan!
7. Feb. 25: Mary Joan is getting ready to watch Duke beat Maryland! [Comment: Mary Joan Kirchner likes this.]
8. Mar. 1: Mary Joan is wide awake at 1:53 AM! I have so many things to think about!
9. Mar. 1: Mary Joan is home from church and ready for a nap.
10. Mar. 3: Mary Joan is waiting to see the new episode of John Adams and knit a new dish cloth.

[Note: I did not make these up. She is awesome.]

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Titles of Conversations Overheard Recently

1. Oh My God Shut Up No Way Oh My God
2. Wolverine Was Too in The Avengers
3. "I Am a Crazy Person": The Musical
4. Get In the Stroller Right Now
5. I Know Bro, No One's Hiring: That's the Way It Is
6. Let's All Argue About How Much We'd Pay a Prostitute For a B.J.
7. Yeah Man I Freakin LOVE Van Gogh: An Insistence
8. You a Pretty Young Thing, You Don't Wanna Talk, Alright
9. Let's Debate Whether the Girl at Work is Cute-Pregnant or Fat-Pregnant
10. WHAT is that smell.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Things I Know I Should Do More Often

1. Floss
2. Express my emotions

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Best First Date Ideas

1. The Tyra Banks Show
2. Clean out attic
3. Public library
4. Rent U-Haul, just drive
5. Go to church
6. Blood Oaths
7. Deception Island, Antarctica: 62 57' S, 60 38' W
8. Visit Mom in the hospital
9. Local community college acapella concert
10. Survive plane crash in the Hudson together

Monday, March 9, 2009

Places/Things I Have Gotten Kicked Out Of

1. Age 9: Dance team performing the song "Pink Cadillac" by Bruce Springsteen at the Great Falls Elementary School talent show (I did not learn the dance)
2. Age 10: 5th Grade classroom (for laughing)
3. Age 13: 8th Grade classroom (for telling my teacher that he was being patronizing)
4. Age 14: A "Claire's" Accessory Store (my friends and I were taking pictures of each other wearing their tiaras without buying anything)
5. Age 17: 11th Grade classroom (for laughing)
6. Age 18: College improv group (was not funny enough at the time)
7. Age 19: A Long Island grocery store (for trying to buy beer by pretending to be a German exchange student who could not speak English when asked for my ID)
8. Age 20: My first long-term relationship in college (he got bored)
9. Age 21: A London bus (had not bought a ticket)
10. Age 24: Job at a toddler gym on the Upper East Side (refused to talk to kids in a high-pitched baby voice)

Friday, March 6, 2009

Fever-Dream I Had Last Night That Made Me Laugh When I Woke Up

I brought my old clunky PC desktop to an Apple-store-type help desk, where a stunningly beautiful blonde lady was going to help me repair my computer. After checking things out for a while she shook her head and said that she was sorry, but my anti-virus software did a sweep of my files and found my resume, from which it deduced that I was trying to be an actress, and that the computer diagnostic concluded that I required a nosejob and facelift and spray-tan before it would allow her to do any repairs. "I'm sorry," she said, "I can't override it; you know how anti-virus software is. You're going to have to just do it." And I was sent away with my broken computer in an unwieldy bundle in my arms.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Misappropriated Literary Reference of the Day

[This is a real MTA NYC Subway ad...thanks to this blog for the pic.]

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Surprisingly Still in Style

1. Suntans
2. Dating
3. Keds
4. Led Zeppelin
5. Candles that smell like things
6. The phrase "get a life"
7. Actresses with eating disorders
8. Big plastic glasses frames
9. Guilt
10. Window blinds

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Best Sports Team Mascots

1. The Fighting Methodists
2. The Crying Crows
3. The Glaring Owls
4. The Blood-thirsty Patriots
5. The Green Beavers
6. The Approaching Storm
7. The Tall Glass of Milk
8. The Unfounded Aggression
9. The Yellow Fever
10. The Scared Baby Sharks

*[#1 and 6 are real.]

Monday, March 2, 2009

Things I’ve Stuck My Face Into That I Shouldn’t Have

by TRAVIS RAVE, guest blogger

1. A swinging door
2. Bleu cheese dressing
3. Coat ownership argument
4. Photo finish
5. Chicken pot pie
6. Gnome thievery
7. Cauldron (“witch’s”)
8. Glue factory
9. Wedding cake (not mine)
10. Cat food (smelled like turkey…did not taste like turkey)

Friday, February 27, 2009

I Heart NY

Man, yelling across the train tracks at West 4th Street: HEY! CRAZY PIANO MAN, WHAT'S YOUR WEBSITE?

Man, inexplicably playing a full-sized piano on the subway platform: Just go to, I guess, and I'll be there!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Wolf Blitzer Haikus

"We told you Friday
they were coming to the White
House. Earth, Rain and Fire.

They were there last night,
and we'll show you what they did,
right after this break."

- from "The Situation Room", CNN, 2/23/09, 5:54 pm

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

More Celebrity Encounters


1. Brian Dennehey - At a Barnes & Noble in Framingham, MA. - He shook my hand. His hands were wet.

2. Angela Lansbury - A black-tie banquet, the Hilton Grand Ballroom. - She sat one table away and either didn't hear or ignored me when I hummed the theme from "Murder, She Wrote."

3. Rachel Weiss - She recoiled in horror, shielding her infant, as my dog had terrible diarrhea all over Second Avenue.


1. Woody Harrelson - He came to play tennis with his lawyer at the SF country club I used to work at. He asked me if I thought the Pro's got bored of hitting balls all day long. I said, "Probably." He was really stoned.

2. Anton Newcombe - At the Library Bar. He chased down some punk who stole the bar's tips. He was druunk, hair was greasy, eyes were wild. I left with his ex-girlfriend. Rock.

3. Margaret Cho - She said she liked my name and then told me to listen to Broken Social Scene. I did.


1. Princess Diana (and Prince Charles): my family was standing outside Buckingham Palace way back in 1991 when we were stopped from crossing the driveway by a police officer. Then all these police cars drove past through the open gate. Then another car. Inside it was Princess Diana and Prince Charles. They were still married back then. He was reading a newspaper. She was just sitting there. I nudged my mother and told her, and she could not contain her excitement. She screamed "IT'S PRINCESS DIANA!" At this point, quite a crowd of people waiting to cross the street had gathered behind us, and they all loved Princess Diana as much as my mother did, so they all started surging forward to get a look before the car drove by. And that is how my mother started a mini-riot and embarrassed us at the same time.


1. James Van Der Beek - I was on a plane with him while "Dawson's Creek" was still on the air (he flew Southwest, so humble!), and I didn't have any paper with me for him to sign, so I got him to sign a barf bag.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

My Dad's Celebrity Encounters


1. Donald Trump: bumped into (literally) on the sidewalk in front of the Plaza Hotel in NYC — extremely well dressed and in an extreme hurry.

2. Hugh Hefner: rubbed elbows at a luncheon at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in NYC — extremely short and homely with an extremely tall and beautiful wife.

3. Ralph Nader: stood next to in coat-check line at Mayflower Hotel in Washington, D.C. — extremely tall and poorly dressed.

4. Nancy Reagan: suddenly realized I was standing next to her (she was unaccompanied) as we waited on a street corner near the White House for light to change so we could cross the street — unbelievably short and thin (maybe 4’10” an 90 lbs) with an unbelievably huge head.

5. Michael Douglas: sat next to at a technology in media conference in Phoenix — very, very tan with very, very white smile and absolutely no clue what anyone was talking about.

6. Patrick Ewing (NBA Hall of Famer): stood next to in elevator in Washington, D.C. — his belt buckle was literally at my eye-level; I couldn’t see high enough to see his face.

7. Larry Holmes (former heavy-weight boxing champion): at conference in Las Vegas — surprisingly small, genteel and friendly for someone who defeated Muhammad Ali and Ken Norton.

8. Phil Lesh and Bob Weir: at party following Grateful Dead concert — total stoners.

9. B.B. King: at private party in Las Vegas — the sweetest person in the world.

10. Steve Jobs: participating in technology and politics confab as part of National Governor’s Association meeting in Washington, D.C. — knew absolutely nothing about government or politics.

11. Bill Gates: shared lunch and chat on three or four occasions on East and West Coasts — surprisingly normal and polite conversationalist when it came to techno-gab but showed zero interest in exchanging personal pleasantries. Also alternated eating right- and left-handed throughout meal.

12. Bernard Ebbers: met the former WorldCom chairman several times and later hosted and introduced him at a National Press Club luncheon in Washington, D.C. shortly before he was sentenced to 10 years in jail for $11 billion in stock fraud — appeared to be the most down-to-earth, honest, good-ol-country-boy businessman I’d ever met.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Celebrity Encounters

I've been asking folks for their best real-life celebrity encounters, and what their impressions were. If you have any to share, add a comment..


1. Dennis Haskins (a.k.a. Mr. Belding) - babysat him for a weekend in Syracuse, NY. He ate anything that was put in front of him and talked while he was eating about how inspiring our college comedy group was.

2. Lil Wayne - I shot an interview with him - He was really tiny and did not take off his sunglasses and when I told him I liked an obscure song of his he said "oh word? who dis?" and pointed at me and then he took a picture with me that I have and forever cherish.

3. Hulk Hogan - sat in a sound booth with him while he watched his daughter perform - He called all of us "brother" and told us he auditioned to be the bassist for both Metallica and the Rolling Stones. I do not believe him.


1. Ted Kennedy - Wesleyan University dorm room - not actually a lion

2. Marcia Ball - my great-uncle's funeral - is a skinny white lady with mom hair

3. Katie Couric - restaurant in Spain - unexciting. Has an annoying daughter (translation: I resented her fluency in Spanish and consequent ability to flirt with the hot waiter).


1. I met John McCain - Charleston, SC Barnes and Noble book signing (1999) - He has goddamn enormous hands.

Thursday, February 19, 2009 Comment of the Day

Why do people whine so much?
Re: "Prince Family Paper," The Office: Season 5, Episode 12

Why can't people just watch tv and enjoy it for once. Everyone always has to critique everything and describe just how bad it is. Do you people like anything? What's the point of watching if all your doing is pointing out how much you don't like it. Seriously, just watch TV and stop complaining. I like the office and just humor in general.


Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Another thing that's inspiring me right now is Winter's Tale, an incredibly imaginative, inventive and visually rich novel by Mark Helprin. It's 673 pages long, I've been reading it since Christmas, and it's actually sort of taking over my brain. Here's a passage in which an eccentric and probably crazy maid named Boonya rattles off a list of her master's favorite foods that the new cook will have to learn how to make:
"Oh, durbo cheese stuffed with trefoil, camminog, meat of the vibola, roast bandrilog seeds, satcha oil hotcakes, young Dollit chicken in Sauce Donald, giant broom berries, creme de la berkish tollick, serbine of vellit, pickled teetingle, chocolate wall hermans, trail lemons, Rhinebeck hot pots with fresh armando, parrifoo of aminule, vanilla lens arrows, fertile beaties, archbestial bloodwurst, Turkish calendar cake, fried berlac chippings, cocktail of ballroom pig, vellum cream cake, undercurrents, crispt of tough boxer lamb, sugared action terries, merry rubint nuts, and rasta blood-chicken with sauce Arnold." (p. 352)
Hungry? Me neither. But it makes me want to read even more slowly. And then it makes me want to make up some of my own. Like... Burnt hat-velvet crumbcake. Pureed fintoon-bread. Aged foil blossoms.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Hi folks, you know I like to put original work here on this here blog of Lumberjack tales. But every once in a while I come across something that I so badly wish that I had made myself that I have to share it, because it's something I keep coming back to for inspiration and I know you'll like it too. This was one. This is another:

Friday, February 13, 2009

Valentine's Day on a Budget? No Problem!

Hey, lovers! Economic times are tough, but you still want to express your devotion to your sweetie, right? Here are some ideas for a romantically frugal Valentine's Day!

1. Don't buy flowers: instead, make your own out of paper, fabric, or an old shoe you're not using anymore.
2. Don't go to a bed & breakfast: instead, take a walk in the park together! If you don't live near a park, look at a picture of a park in a magazine. If you don't live near a magazine, tell each other stories about parks you have been to. If you've never been to a park, say the word "park" to each other over and over.
3. Instead of expensive jewelry, your special lady might enjoy a "gift certificate" for something that you promise to do for her in the future, like wash her car, give her a massage, or stop covertly draining her bank account to finance your secret family in St. Louis.
4. Instead of going out dancing, stay in and sleep! Just sleep. All day and night. Because guess what, sleepin's free!
5. Instead of a pricey bottle of champagne, put water in a champagne glass and just tell them it's champagne! They won't know!
6. Don't go out to dinner. Ever again.
7. Donate blood together, and don't tell your special guy or gal you stole the idea from Dylan and Brenda on 90210.
8. Buy recycled candy instead of new!
9. Find out what your significant other values more than anything else in the world and then use that to mock and insult him/her until he/she breaks up with you the day before Valentine's Day. Then you're in the clear, Romeo! Apologize on February 15th and no harm done, you've just saved a pretty penny.
10. Go to a zoo and watch animals do it.

[Posted today on HuffPost and AirAmerica.]

Thursday, February 12, 2009

R-Game Charmpions

John-Erik: I'm having a harm sandwich for lunch. I need
lergal advice.
Dorsey: My name is Simon, and I like to do drawrings.
Gyra: I'm glard Lonesome Lumberjack is back. I was lornley without it.
RufusQStripe: Rarlies was the word blogger made me type in to corment.
Jake: Hi, can you give me direrctions to Cleveland?
(Me: That's pretty good, but I like Creveland better.)
Rachel: I don't understrand.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The R Game

In which you insert an extra "R" into a word and say it out loud. Try it!
1. Prarctice makes perfect.
2. Why are you laurghing? It's not funny.
3. Am I distrarcting you?
4. I think I need a new jorb.
5. I lorve this chicken salad!
6. Boys and grirls are different.
7. Happy Birthday, blow out the carndles!
8. Call me on the trelephone.
9. I like this show, but it's so melodramartic.
10. Watermerlon.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Waiting Games

1. Jury duty
2. Airport
3. Doctor's office
4. Restaurant
5. Subway platform
6. Traffic light
7. Target checkout line
8. Morning hot water
9. 4:15 pm in a work day
10. Writer's block

Friday, January 23, 2009

Actual Towns in the UK

Thanks to Tom & Aaron
for finding this in the NYT...
full story w/ more pictures here,
highly recommended.

All right? Alright.

Hi friends, the issue of The L Magazine out on the streets now contains my review, here, of Gregory J. Snyder's new book "Graffiti Lives: Beyond the Tag in New York City's Underground". Kinda funky & fun. The title of this blogpost refers to an editorial change to my first sentence that I wish had not been made, but ah well. Please enjoy!

Thursday, January 22, 2009


1. List
2. Listel
3. Listen
4. Listenership
5. Lister
6. Listeria
7. Listeriosis
8. Listless
9. Listserv
10. Liszt, Franz

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Synonyms for "Duh"

by JOHN CUSICK, guest blogger

1. Der!
2. Der-hey!
4. Doi!
5. A-doi!
6. No duh!
7. Uh...der!
8. Double der-hey!
9. No doi!
10. Uh.....YEAH!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Caption Contest!

[Mine: Abe Plays the Backup-Drums]

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Butter Progression

by THE McMILLANS, guest bloggers

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
I Am Growing Increasingly Skeptical That This Is Butter
You're Not Fooling Me, That Is Definitely Not Butter
Butter? Sheeee-it.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Every Day

Me: He's here.
Chris: Who?
Me: Dummy.
Chris: That narrows it down to, everyone.

Me: I want to go out to lunch.
Chris: Where do you want to go?
Me: Somewhere extravagantly expensive.
Chris: In that case, may I interest you in, everywhere.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Wednesday's Reasons Not to Despair

1. Battlestar Galactica season 5 premiere
2. Ben and Jerry's "Chubby Hubby" ice cream
3. The power of logic and the magic of math
4. Friendly fat and furry cats
5. The New York Times website
6. A new pair of scissors and a pile of National Geographics
7. That new Junot Diaz novel I've been meaning to read
8. "Visiter" by The Dodos (Frenchkiss Records, 2008)
9. Finding my old clarinet from high school marching band and still knowing how to play it
10. You, dear reader.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

To Do: Christmas Gifts to Throw Out

1. Not-officially-licensed "Hello Kitty" Strawberry-Flavored Glitter Lip Gloss (Made in China).

Monday, January 12, 2009

Rejection Letter....Win

from: McSweeney's <>
to: Lauren Kirchner <>
date: Wed, Dec 17, 2008 at 5:12 PM
subject: Re: List submission: Tattoos I Want to Get

Hi, Lauren -

I'm afraid I'm going to pass, but I think this reply would look awfully good on your right forearm.


>Lauren wrote:

>Tattoos I Want to Get
>by Lauren Kirchner<>

>Nicolas Cage's face, life-sized, superimposed on my face
>Studio portrait of my future family
>Siskel & Ebert's Thumbs Up / Thumbs Down logo (on my boobs)
>Musical score of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
>New York City subway map, just for convenience
>Phone numbers & addresses of ex-boyfriends
>Chinese character for "ironic"
>My latest rejection letter from McSweeney's
>A frowning baby head on my bicep

Friday, January 9, 2009

What's Your Resolution?

by JESSALEE LANDFRIED, guest blogger

A letter to the editor that my dad received at the newspaper where he works (he is the editorial page editor at the Durham Herald-Sun), in response to the prompt, "What's your New Year's resolution?":

> I think the person who keep dropping off unwanted pets at
> my house should resolve to stop this. We are going broke
> trying to take care of what we do have. We are trying to
> find the chicken a good home. The last little kitten we
> didn't find until it was run over. Enough is ENOUGH !
> Besides being broke, we are tired, my health could be
> better, and we are mad at whoever is doing this. Hope I
> don't see catch them. I live not 1 1/2 mile from the
> Durham County Animal Shelter which has facilities for
> unwanted pets.

[Editor's note:
This is unrelated, but I really like the headline of Wednesday's Herald-Sun editorial: "Getting Serious on Dog, Cat Tax."

Thursday, January 8, 2009

TYFBAF is the new LOL

by LEILA ESTES, guest blogger

Thank you for being a friend!

[Thanks to D-Listed for the pic. More celebrity dolls here.]

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Pop Quiz: CNN Anchor or Dashiell
Hammett Character?

1. Sam Spade
2. Matthew Chance
3. Dana Bash
4. Dinah Brand
5. Reno Starkey
6. Candy Crowley
7. Poppy Harlow
8. Miss Wonderly
9. Nick and Nora Charles
10. John and Jane King

[Answers: 2,3,6,7,10 - CNN. 1,4,5,8,9 - Hammett.
Cross-posted today at 23/6. Thanks to Chris.]

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Best Years (So Far)

1. 1981
2. 1984
3. 1989
4. 1990
5. 1996
6. 1998
7. 2001
8. 2003
9. 2007
10. 2008

Monday, January 5, 2009

Best Hangover Food & Drink

1. Sesame bagel with scallion cream cheese and a tomato
2. Nantucket Nectars juice (Carrot Orange Mango flavor)
3. Sunny-side-up eggs on buttered toast
4. Enormous black bean burrito
5. Tomato Soup and a huge round roll
6. Large coffee w/ whole milk and 1 sugar
7. Tropicana grapefruit juice (Some Pulp)
8. Sharp cheddar cheese on Wheat Thins
9. Hot oatmeal with a pile of brown sugar on top
10. Cup of room-temperature water and 2 more hours of sleep