Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's (Eve) Resolutions

1. Less snow
2. More hats
3. Talk to people
4. 10 beers
5. More lists
6. Shouting
7. High heels
8. Dancing
9. ELO
10. In bed by 12:05

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Australian Slang That Makes No Sense To Me

by SOJOURNER, guest blogger

1. Fair Dinkum = honest, true, the real deal
2. Tracky Daks = sweat pants
3. Arvo = afternoon
4. Middy, Schooner = 285 mL and 425 mL of beer, respectively
5. "D and M" = deep and meaningful conversation

Monday, December 29, 2008

Best Talk Radio Interview Questions

by CHRIS ROSEN, guest blogger

1. Describe the Internet.
2. Follow up: how are you?
3. And, what language are you speaking at the moment?
4. Have you read the newspaper? And if so, could you please tell us what it says?
5. What are your thoughts on genocide, and do you come down for or against?
6. Do I need to buy groceries later?
7. Do you ever just feel like crying for no reason?
8. This is a three-parter: what is global warming? Are you a man or a woman? And finally, where are we?
9. Also, and this is important: what does that have to do with anything?
10. Final question: what else ya got?

Friday, December 19, 2008

Lumberjack on the TV

I used to produce a weekly radio show hosted by Sam Seder, who now has a daily webcast thingy with Marc Maron called "Maron v. Seder", which you can watch or podcast here. It's political and funny and sarcastic and great. Lately they're doing a series for the show called "Meet the Co-Workers," and here's the one where they meet me:

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Best Animals You Never Knew Existed, Pt. 2

by AARON REUBEN, guest blogger

6. Pink Fairy Armadillo (Chlamyphorus truncatus) - Argentina

7. Cantor's giant soft-shelled turtle (Pelochelys cantorii)

8. Blob fish (Psychrolutes marcidus) - Australia

9. Malaysian Tapir (Tapirus indicus) - Malaysia

10. Yeti Crab (Kiwa hirsuta) - South Pacific Ocean

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Best Animals You Never Knew Existed

by AARON REUBEN, guest blogger

1. Aye-aye (Daubentonia madagascariensis) - Madagascar

2. Mongolian Saiga (Saiga tatarica) - Mongolia

3. Long-eared Jerboa (Euchoreutes naso) - Mongolia

4. North Sulawesi Babirusa (Babyrusini celebensis) - Indonesia

5. Batfish (particularly the red-lipped batfish)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Sentence-Starters That Make Me Skeptical

by JAKE KIRCHNER, guest blogger

1. My friends
2. My fellow Americans
3. In this day and age
4. When I was your age
5. Honest, it wasn't my fault but
6. Stop me if you've heard this one
7. All I'm saying is
8. Never before in the history of mankind
9. You know I wouldn't lie to you
10. I can honestly say, without fear of contradiction, that

Monday, December 15, 2008

To Do: Small Businesses I Want to Establish

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

1. Florist Yeltson (Flower Shop)
2. Flour Power (Bakery)
3. Crepes of Wrath (Crepery)
4. Persian Golf Shop (Sporting Goods)
5. Hymn and Her (Wedding Choir Service)
6. Underground Maleroad (Gay Bar)
7. Shopping Maul (Jungle Cat Rental)
8. Tater Taught (Agricultural School)
9. Ace of Spayeds (Impotent Pet Cloning Service)
10. Friends and Fauxs (Fake Fur Shop)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Unprofessional Skills

1. Talking about a coworker in his/her absence and immediately switching topics, mid-rant, when he/she walks into the room
2. Talking about a coworker over Gchat when he/she is sitting right next to me in full view of my computer monitor
3. Concealing my Hulu/Failblog/RandomKittenGenerator addictions
4. Masking my contempt for the management
5. Being alternately ignored and talked down to like I am a small child
6. Taking offense at most of the jokes said in my presence
7. Stewing silently
8. Sleeping with my eyes open
9. Sound effects
10. Lying

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Dream Menu at Dream Restaurant

by JAKE GOLDMAN, guest blogger


Little, tiny, edible guitars.....FREE

Chipolte-soaked Mini-Apple Pies, Gold Coins inside...Pay with Gold Coins

Hand Soap that tastes like Chicken Wing Sauce...$32 (worth it)

Any soup ever...$$Whatever you think soup should cost


Fourteen Hamburgers in a Bowl, Some Lettuce, Whatever....$7

All your Childhood Memories Diced Salad...You tell us. Could get ugly. (Please Call 24 hours in advance if you plan on ordering this one. Need to come in early and get a mind-meld or whatever.)


Mystery Envelope: Large envelope stuffed with a mystery. Not food. It's an actual mystery you have to solve because the county police department had to make budget cuts. Please help.....$14

Kevin Spacey: Basically, you're going to eat Kevin Spacey. He doesn't know he's going to get eaten, he thinks it's a surprise party for him. We provide tools, you cook him however. Heard he's slippery, hard to tackle. Just be aware....If you pull this off AND it's good, we will pay you. Not sure how much yet because we haven't made much money on any of these dishes.

Chicken Parmesan: Don't get this because there's a knife inside of it.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Blagojevich's Bargain Basement

Thank you for your interest in the Rod Blagojevich's Bargain Basement Illinois Legislature Blowout Sale! Below is a price list of the items currently available. Fax in your order now and and get a Chipotle burrito with each purchase!

-Illinois U.S. Senate Seat (pre-order now; avail. on January 20) - $1,500,000
-Illinois State Senate Seat - $750,000
-Secretary of Health and Human Services post - $300,000
-Chairmanship of the Board of the Tribune Company - was $100,000, now $1
-Position of Ombudsman at The Chicago Tribune - $50,000 a year plus benefits
-Rights to the domain name - $90
-New 8-lane toll highway - $2,500,000,000 and you have to name your first-born son "Rod"
-Pizza date with Tony Rezko including 2 tickets to "Slumdog Millionaire" - $29
-Chicago Ambassadorship to Washington, D.C. (we have those, right?) - $500,000,000
-Mahogany desk, ergonomic office chair, telephone and PC computer, previously belonging to Chief of Staff John Harris, who won't be needing them anymore - $627.06
-The Republic Windows and Doors factory in Chicago's North Side, and all 600,000 previously-employed people currently protesting inside it - $10
-First Base starting position on the Chicago Cubs - was $12,999,000, now $12.99!
-The rights to the movie "Chicago" - $400,000
-Original vinyl copy of the 1978 album Hot Streets by Chicago - $48
-The University of Chicago - $9,999,999,999,999.99
-Half-eaten 7-grain bagel with scallion cream cheese that may or may not have been discarded by President-elect Barack Obama - $300

[Cross-posted at 23/6 and AAR.]

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Overheard on 38th & 8th

Man: So then you started dancing...
Woman: And then what happened?
Man: And then I brought the guy over to you...I can't believe you don't remember this!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Cocktails I Never Want to Drink

by R.A., guest blogger

1. Urinal Mint Julep – two parts bourbon, one part simple syrup, one part urinal mint
2. Dirty Martini – in a used, warm, fingerprint-laden glass from the bar
3. Bulliontini – martini garnished with two skewered bullion cubes
4. Irish Car Bomb – Three parts lighter fluid, one part Sparks alcoholic energy drink
5. Pina Colada – with real Hawaiian Tropic coconut tanning oil, garnished with coconut Little Tree air freshener

Friday, December 5, 2008

Overheard at an Information Session for Journalism Graduate School

Admissions Guy: The masters' project is really great, because it allows you to follow your passion, and write about whatever topic you're most passionate about, whether it be sports, homelessness, or weather.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Best Ways to Make a Dry Martini

by JOHN CUSICK, guest blogger

Legend has it Winston Churchill liked his martinis so dry he would only glance sideways at a bottle of vermouth while preparing them. But did you know you can make an even drier martini?

1. Glance sideways at a bottle of vermouth...that's in a different room!
2. Ship a bottle of vermouth to a friend in Canada. Drink your martini while talking to that friend on the phone.
3. Say the world "vermouth" into a box. Bury the box. Drink a glass of gin.
4. Watch a film that may or may not contain a bottle of vermouth.
5. Ask your dad to write "vermouth" backwards. Not now, but later. When you're not around.
6. Read a book about France while drinking a glass of gin.
7. Buy a vermouth factory. Burn it. Move to Spain. Drink a glass of gin.
8. Travel back in time and shoot Jean-Claude Vermouth, inventor of vermouth. Drink a glass of gin over his bloody corpse.
9. Place an empty martini glass on your counter. Stare at it. (Known as an "Ultra-Dry Martini.")
10. Drink a Collins glass full of vermouth. Declare it "opposite day."

[Please visit John's new book-cocktail-lingerie project here.]

Monday, December 1, 2008

Virginia Towns We Drove Past, Pt. 3

1. Toano
2. Lightfoot
3. Croaker
4. Norge
5. Orapax Farms
6. Bottoms Bridge
7. Talleysville
8. Carmel Church
9. New Kent Courthouse
10. Barhamsville