Site Sponsor #3

Dear D.L. Jardine's Foods,

Please sponsor my blog. Your peach salsa, a distinctive blend of sun-ripened peaches and smoky jalapenos, is, as advertised, not too hot, not too sweet. I can absolutely understand why your Original Peach Salsa has won a 1st Place award from Chili Pepper Magazine's Fiery Foods Challenge, and American Taste Award of Excellence and a 1st place Scovie Award from Fiery Foods Magazine. You promised me that, with one bite, I'd be blazing a path to the bottom of the jar in no time. And you delivered on that promise, D.L. Jardine's, you delivered tenfold. You may send your support for my blog in the form of a six-pack of 16.5 oz jars of your delicious Peach Salsa; alternately, I will accept your Chuckwagon Seasoning Sampler and not complain.

Regards,
Lonesome Lumberjack

Small Request

Dear Barack Obama,

Please sponsor my blog. You are going to be a totally awesome Prez! And you probs have a lot of money that you won't need at all in like, a day or so, right? You've got an army of college kids who only cost you a couple Clif bars a day and demand only an I-heart-Obama magnet for their dorm mini-fridges in return for their tireless, 24/7 haranguing of swing state voters. Thanks, Barack Obama! You can express your support for my blog in the form of $600 million.

Best regards,
Lonesome Lumberjack

Names Game!

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

Pick which 5 of the following 10 names belong to Republican VP pick Sarah Palin's children! If you get all 5 correct without looking them up, you win a visit from our newest site sponsor, a trailer truck of Oreo cookies!

Bristol
Trig
Opus
Willow
Flimm
Piper
Grout
Track
Rose
Gary

Update: Correct answers are Bristol, Trig, Willow, Piper, and Track. But it looks like there's gonna be another Palin baby soon, so these names are still in play...my vote is for Grout. (ed)

Site Sponsor #2

Dear Supercuts,

Please sponsor my blog. Your hair salons regularly provide me with not-that-bad haircuts for under $20, and I never have to wait in line because no other woman in New York City seems to trust you with their heads (of hair). Your hairstylists are polite, but do not make unnecessary small talk, and they never remain employed with you for very long, thus making my anxiety of having to choose between them moot, for every time I arrive it's a spanking new staff of brusquely competent coiffers. Your website also reinforces for me that I am "smarter than average" for choosing you for my haircut needs. Wow, brand new bangs and a blowdry AND a boost of self-confidence? Yes, please!

As my bonafide site sponsor you may send your support in the form of the three remaining stamps that I need to complete my "Get 8 haircuts and your 9th is free!!" card. Alternately, you may send a gift-card, which your website teases with the challenge to "Give the gift of looking hot." I'll say! Thanks, Supercuts!

Best regards,
Lonesome Lumberjack

Site Sponsor

Dear White Rock Seltzer, Please sponsor my blog. Your product is deliciously flavorful and crisp and contains zero calories. It is my favorite thing to drink, no matter the weather or time of day. Your website helpfully explains the significance of the delightful pixie that adorns your lovely labels, thusly: "Psyche, White Rock’s symbol of purity, captures the spirit of this sparkling, refreshing drink." I'll say! I know that I chop down trees at a significantly faster pace, and with more flourish, when I've got a raspberry-flavored liter in the pocket of my overalls. Thanks, White Rock! You may send your support in the form of several cases (refrigerated, please) of your effervescent carbonated beverage. Best regards, The Lonesome Lumberjack.