Thursday, July 31, 2008

2008 New Years' Resolutions I Have Not Followed Through On

1. Be taller
2. Stop buying so many pens
3. Ford a river
4. Apologize to Baltimore
5. Learn the internet
6. Wolf-eagle hybrids?
7. Get one of those jobs that pays you in money
8. No more mosquitoes
9. Olympic luge (if there's time)
10. Get groceries

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Sixth Avenue Highlight

Finally, someone had the courage to tell me.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Overheard at the Museum of Modern Art

Woman: Have you ever been to Tijuana?
Man: No.
Woman: Do you want to?
Man: No.

Funniest Words

1. Face
2. Sandwich
3. Corn
4. Research
5. Vellum
6. Keenwhistle
7. Berntow
8. Grelfarb
9. Jackadoo
10. Tippitz

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Favorite Sports

1. Blindfold LogThrow
2. Haircut Kickball (get or give one at each base)
3. Climbing on Cars
4. Lucid Dreams
5. Medicine-ball Dodgeball
6. Gatorade Drink
7. NYC Subway
8. Silent Treatment
9. Michelob ULTRA 2.6 Carbs
10. Lasik

Friday, July 25, 2008

Obama and McCain: Juxtaposers!

"On Monday, the Illinois senator was photographed in a helicopter touring Baghdad with Army Gen. David H. Petraeus, the U.S. military commander in Iraq...On Monday, the Arizona senator was seen on television riding in a golf cart with former President George H.W. Bush at Bush's oceanfront estate in Maine."

-- LAT, Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"The Iraqi government on Monday left little doubt that it favors a withdrawal plan for American combat troops similar to what Senator Barack Obama has proposed, providing Mr. Obama with a potentially powerful political boost on a day he spent in Iraq working to fortify his credibility as a wartime leader...In an interview on "Good Morning America" on ABC, Mr. McCain talked about securing the 'Iraq-Pakistan border.'"

-- NYT, Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"With Barack Obama in Berlin, John McCain visits German restaurant in Ohio....'I'd love to give a speech in Germany. But I'd much prefer to do it as president of the United States rather than as a candidate for president,' McCain told reporters after a meal of bratwurst."

-- The Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune, Thursday, July 24, 2008

"Obama's [Democratic National Convention] speech happens to be scheduled for Aug. 28, the 45th anniversary of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.'s 'I Have a Dream' speech. McCain's speech, on the other hand, will fall on Sept. 4, the opening night of the NFL season, which features a game between the Washington Redskins and the Super Bowl champion New York Giants."

-- WaPo, Thursday, July 24, 2008

"On Friday, Senator Obama carried several adorable babies in his capable arms as he strode across the surface of the Seine River in Paris without getting a drop of water on his effortlessly elegant white tuxedo, while Senator McCain gave a somewhat disappointing speech on how reading communist literature can cause Rickets, in his basement, to his mother, without putting in his teeth."

-- The Daily Newspaper of My Imagination, Friday, July 25, 2008

[cross-posted today at Huffington Post]

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

To-Do: Bands I Want to Be In

1. The Facial Hairs
2. Tapes N' Crepes
3. The Precious Precious Memories
4. Dr. Truxxx and the Grizzlebears
5. Open-Faced Sandwich
6. Rachel and the CoffeeShop Friends
7. Bumblebee Nutgraph
8. I DUnno? and the LOLs
9. We're All Writing Screenplays
10. Please Stop Shouting Heidi Klum

Mailbag #2

Hi folks - keep those letters coming! Here's the latest installment of the Lonesome Lumberjack advice column:

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

gummi bears
foot cream
more eggs

Dear eggs,

Well this one is a real gem! I get a LOT of mail, but this one stood right out in my stack because, well, it wasn't in an envelope, and it's written on the back of a side of a cereal box. So it's hard to figure out exactly what the problem is here, because it sounds like you're on the right track! Sometimes when you're not sure what course of action to take, it helps to make a list! In your case, seems like you've identified the problem (you're hungry, and you have some kind of foot problem [fungus?]) and you've also set about solving said problem(s). Go get those eggs! I could use some eggs, too, come to think of it. They are high in protein and versatile! I'm going to go make a list, right now. Wait, didn't I already make a list? Where's that list? I also need orange juice and bread.

To-Do: Museums I Want to Build

1. The Children's Museum of Shiny Pieces of Garbage
2. The New York Croatanical Museum
3. The Staples Center Gallery Sponsored by Grand Theft Auto IV
4. National Rainwater Museum
5. Painting in Space
6. El Museo de Que Haces
7. The Smithsonian (it would be different)
8. Words You Shouldn't Say
9. The Chesterton Society
10. Online Dating Profiles, the Museum


Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

I am a happily married mother of two and a busy homemaker, and sometimes I just feel so busy! I am trying to figure out how to balance spending time with my daughters, Elaine and Eliza, making time for my wonderful husband Brad, and having quality time for myself. Any advice?

-Homemaker in Hope, Ark.

Dear Homemaker in Hope,

Wow, I can't tell you how common this problem is in this hustle-bustle world we live in nowadays! I would have to say that the most important thing is to decide which one you like best. If your kids are being annoying, then I say, fuck em. That Elaine sure is cute, but she's not so cute once she gets to the age where she's all like "waa take me to the mall and buy me prom dresses". And little Eliza, she can drive herself to soccer practice, right? She can almost reach the pedals probably. As for Brad, if he's being like "where are those finance receipts that I have to put into the spreadsheet for our household tax return season in April of this fiscal year? And also, how come we don't have any clean dishes because you haven't done them in like a month and they're all piled up everywhere, even in the dining room for god's sake", then, you know, hit the road, sister! Road trip! You have to find a balance. Sometimes you need a little "me" time. Or "you" time, whichever makes sense. What I'm saying is that it's a tough world out there these days, Homemaker, and sometimes, let's face it, most of the time, other people just get in the way. Go, girl! Don't forget your shades, because your future looks bright!


Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

I'm having a party at my house. Is it too old-fashioned nowadays to send out invitations in the mail? Should I just call people on the telephone?

Clueless in Carson City

Dear Clueless,

These days, parties are usually publicized onLINE. In fact, almost everything is done online. You are reading THIS onLine, right now, in real time! In fact, I've just recently learned that you can read the newspaper on your computer?!?! So take out that word processor of yours and send out a bulk-mailing electronic letter! Make a homepage! I took the liberty of checking for you; the world wide web address TheresAPartyAtMyHouse/ isn't taken yet! Better yet, why not make an Http virus - that will definitely give you the most exposure, and you might even make it into the police blotter section of your local newspaper. Go, girl!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

To-Do: Books I Want To Write

1. Jugador, Por Favor: A Spanish Love Story
2. The Owl's Reverie
3. "Peg!": Married: With Children: A Critical Look
4. Fridge Repair for Dummies
5. MySpace for Losers
6. Where Did That Thing Go That I Was Just Holding in My Hand a Second Ago?: A Memoir
7. How to Lift Heavy Things
8. How Old Is My Tree?
9. How to Write a Multi-Volume Self-Help Book, Volume One
10. Time and Punishment: They Are One and the Same

Berlin Wall Highlight

This person is saying what we were all thinking. As they say in Germany, "finalmente!"

Overheard in New York

Woman: "Hey, look..."
Man: "Where?"
Woman: "Ssh...behind us."
Man: "What?"
Woman: "Is that girl writing down everything we are saying?"
Man: "Yes, yes I think that she is."

A New Advice Column

Hi folks, I'd like to introduce the Lonesome Lumberjack advice column, where you can write in and ask me anything, and I'll do my best to give some thoughtful feedback. I'm not a psychologist per se, but I do walk around in the forest and touch a lot of trees, so I think I know a thing or two! So keep those questions coming! Here's what I've gotten so far:


Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Can I really ask you ANYTHING?

-Cautious in California, well, not really California, I mean I work there, and I'm writing this at work, but I actually live in southern Oregon, like right on the border in a lame little town called Calgary that only has a Walmart and a post office and two McDonald's, I mean why are there two?, but I use this address for tax purposes because of this loophole that I found out when i dated a corporate lawyer last year, who I didn't love but I used for his money, and I'm wondering if that's wrong, the tax thing, and also the fake relationship (my friend Annie called it an "imaginationship"! haha) because I was raised in a household that taught me and my little brother Joey to always tell the truth and I have a lot of guilt about the fact that I can't stop lying, but I also want to be myself and what if I just AM a liar?

Dear Cautious,

Yes! You can!

Site Sponsor

Dear White Rock Seltzer, Please sponsor my blog. Your product is deliciously flavorful and crisp and contains zero calories. It is my favorite thing to drink, no matter the weather or time of day. Your website helpfully explains the significance of the delightful pixie that adorns your lovely labels, thusly: "Psyche, White Rock’s symbol of purity, captures the spirit of this sparkling, refreshing drink." I'll say! I know that I chop down trees at a significantly faster pace, and with more flourish, when I've got a raspberry-flavored liter in the pocket of my overalls. Thanks, White Rock! You may send your support in the form of several cases (refrigerated, please) of your effervescent carbonated beverage. Best regards, The Lonesome Lumberjack.

The Waterpipe Theater Podcast #1

Here's the link to a radio drama that I recorded and edited, called The League of Righteousness. Superheroes in love? In space? Yes please.

These very excellent Waterpipe Theater dramas are broadcast on the first Sunday of every month on my alma mater radio station, WESU 88.1 FM in Middletown, CT. Next episode: a murder mystery that takes place in a locked theater soundstage.

My 23/6 posts

July 10: More Realistic G8 Solutions

April 16: Alberto Gonzales' Cover Letter

March 11: Recommended RNC Websites

March 5: How Huckabee Will Spend His Time Now That He's Dropped Out of the Race

February 13: What You'll Find in Karl Rove's Dressing Room

January 31: Giuliani Live Blogs the Republican Debate

January 24: Courting Florida's FredHeads

January 22: Cable News Networks Get Desperate

January 18: More Meat - Always a Good Idea

For further reading

(Optional extra credit), the website for a talk show that I used to produce at Air America Radio, Seder on Sundays. It got me writing on politics during this past primary season: on Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama stuff, ridiculous email-fwd propaganda stuff, polling discrepancies during the primaries, and how the corporate media is seriously incapable of hosting a presidential debate without making me want to throw my television out the window.

The Modern Humorist, an excellent news satire website based in Brooklyn, NY, where I interned during the summer of 2000. Now defunct. (Probably) not my fault. I also contributed to this book that they put out.

The Wesleyan Argus. I used to do cartoons and write rock music reviews. I was going to link to some things, but the online archives are not easily searchable by name. What is this, the 90s? So...just imagine lots of flowery language describing Jack White's percussive guitar, and also some drawings of washing machines talking to each other.