Unorthodox Professions For a Muppet

by EVAN SIMKO-BEDNARSKI, guest blogger

1. Neurosurgeon
2. Hit-man
3. Puppeteer
4. Dry Cleaner
5. Firefighter
6. Actuary
7. Underwear Model
8. Attorney General
9. Hostage Negotiator
10. Professor of German Studies

Dr. Pepper/Rapper Game Answers!

Thanks to everybody who gave their best guesses on yesterday's quiz. If you're like me, you will be delighted to learn that out of the 15 names below, only two are rappers: Dr. Octagon and D-Nice. All the rest are Dr. Pepper knockoffs, which Jonathan and Dan found on this site, Fake Dr. Pepper Land. Check it out; there are so many more there in the incredibly extensive gallery that didn't make it into the quiz. My personal favorite is Giant Eagle Brand's "Mr. aahh".

Pop Quiz: Dr. Pepper Knockoff or Rapper?

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER and DAN MORRIS, guest bloggers

1. Dr. Octagon
2. Dr. K
3. Doc Holiday
4. Mr. Sipp Soda
5. Select Dr. D
6. Dr. Riffic
7. Dr. Smooth
8. D-Nice
9. Doc Shasta
10. Dr. Schnee
11. Dr. Randall
12. Dr. HyTop
13. Dr. Dazzle
14. Dr. Radical
15. Dr. Delight

Post your guesses in comments...answers in tomorrow's post. No cheating!

Things That I Feel Like I Should Not Enjoy,But Do

by JAY BOREN, guest blogger

1. Asparagus pee
2. Turbulent plane flights
3. Three-legged animals
4. Fat people wearing jogging suits
5. Plucking beard hairs from my chin

Things That I Feel Like I Should Enjoy,But Do Not

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

1. Bleu Cheese
2. Steely Dan
3. Waking Hours Between 5 and 11 AM (at least sometimes, right?)
4. Getting Tickled
5. Reading

The Small Joys of Data Cleanup

by LAURA McMILLAN, guest blogger

Names in my workplace's email activist database I think are spam:
Mr. Mature Slut
Ms. Pantyhose Sex
Mr. Fabric Fabric
Mrs. Ringtones Ringtones
Mr. Teen Voyeur
Sluts Sierra
Psycho Parade
Razoo Razoo
hhlmlyeqda hhlmlyeqda
Mr. cheap phentermine Rodrigues

Names I think are real:
Larry Thickey
Noble Barker
Moosa Raffey
Donna Shookus
Tom Cheeseman
Rob Roy McGregor

Names I am unsure about:
Mrs. Magnolia Mallard
Hoc X. Cao
Dagger Rapp
Stephen Fry
Xalman Nalchimously
Nmpa

Overheard Recently on NPR

by ELIZABETH BOUDREAU, guest blogger

I.) Economy explainer: "The problem, what's really going on here, is that the banks have underwritten some bad loans and now they don't have enough capital to cover their a... their... their.... debts!"

II.) Melissa Block: "This is All Things Considered on NPR, I'm Robert S -- I'm Melissa Block."

Overseen On Time Warner Cable Summaries

by MICHAEL KROLL, guest blogger

Bewitched (2005):
A real life witch (Nicole Kidman) stars in this remake of the 1960's t.v. classic.

Things I’ve Stuck My Face Into That I Shouldn’t Have

by TRAVIS RAVE, guest blogger

1. A swinging door
2. Bleu cheese dressing
3. Coat ownership argument
4. Photo finish
5. Chicken pot pie
6. Gnome thievery
7. Cauldron (“witch’s”)
8. Glue factory
9. Wedding cake (not mine)
10. Cat food (smelled like turkey…did not taste like turkey)

More Celebrity Encounters

by JOHN CUSICK:

1. Brian Dennehey - At a Barnes & Noble in Framingham, MA. - He shook my hand. His hands were wet.

2. Angela Lansbury - A black-tie banquet, the Hilton Grand Ballroom. - She sat one table away and either didn't hear or ignored me when I hummed the theme from "Murder, She Wrote."

3. Rachel Weiss - She recoiled in horror, shielding her infant, as my dog had terrible diarrhea all over Second Avenue.


by DORSEY SHAW:

1. Woody Harrelson - He came to play tennis with his lawyer at the SF country club I used to work at. He asked me if I thought the Pro's got bored of hitting balls all day long. I said, "Probably." He was really stoned.

2. Anton Newcombe - At the Library Bar. He chased down some punk who stole the bar's tips. He was druunk, hair was greasy, eyes were wild. I left with his ex-girlfriend. Rock.

3. Margaret Cho - She said she liked my name and then told me to listen to Broken Social Scene. I did.


by SARA MORRISON:

1. Princess Diana (and Prince Charles): my family was standing outside Buckingham Palace way back in 1991 when we were stopped from crossing the driveway by a police officer. Then all these police cars drove past through the open gate. Then another car. Inside it was Princess Diana and Prince Charles. They were still married back then. He was reading a newspaper. She was just sitting there. I nudged my mother and told her, and she could not contain her excitement. She screamed "IT'S PRINCESS DIANA!" At this point, quite a crowd of people waiting to cross the street had gathered behind us, and they all loved Princess Diana as much as my mother did, so they all started surging forward to get a look before the car drove by. And that is how my mother started a mini-riot and embarrassed us at the same time.

by JESSALEE LANDFRIED:

1. James Van Der Beek - I was on a plane with him while "Dawson's Creek" was still on the air (he flew Southwest, so humble!), and I didn't have any paper with me for him to sign, so I got him to sign a barf bag.

My Dad's Celebrity Encounters

by JAKE KIRCHNER

1. Donald Trump: bumped into (literally) on the sidewalk in front of the Plaza Hotel in NYC — extremely well dressed and in an extreme hurry.

2. Hugh Hefner: rubbed elbows at a luncheon at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in NYC — extremely short and homely with an extremely tall and beautiful wife.

3. Ralph Nader: stood next to in coat-check line at Mayflower Hotel in Washington, D.C. — extremely tall and poorly dressed.

4. Nancy Reagan: suddenly realized I was standing next to her (she was unaccompanied) as we waited on a street corner near the White House for light to change so we could cross the street — unbelievably short and thin (maybe 4’10” an 90 lbs) with an unbelievably huge head.

5. Michael Douglas: sat next to at a technology in media conference in Phoenix — very, very tan with very, very white smile and absolutely no clue what anyone was talking about.

6. Patrick Ewing (NBA Hall of Famer): stood next to in elevator in Washington, D.C. — his belt buckle was literally at my eye-level; I couldn’t see high enough to see his face.

7. Larry Holmes (former heavy-weight boxing champion): at conference in Las Vegas — surprisingly small, genteel and friendly for someone who defeated Muhammad Ali and Ken Norton.

8. Phil Lesh and Bob Weir: at party following Grateful Dead concert — total stoners.

9. B.B. King: at private party in Las Vegas — the sweetest person in the world.

10. Steve Jobs: participating in technology and politics confab as part of National Governor’s Association meeting in Washington, D.C. — knew absolutely nothing about government or politics.

11. Bill Gates: shared lunch and chat on three or four occasions on East and West Coasts — surprisingly normal and polite conversationalist when it came to techno-gab but showed zero interest in exchanging personal pleasantries. Also alternated eating right- and left-handed throughout meal.

12. Bernard Ebbers: met the former WorldCom chairman several times and later hosted and introduced him at a National Press Club luncheon in Washington, D.C. shortly before he was sentenced to 10 years in jail for $11 billion in stock fraud — appeared to be the most down-to-earth, honest, good-ol-country-boy businessman I’d ever met.

Celebrity Encounters

I've been asking folks for their best real-life celebrity encounters, and what their impressions were. If you have any to share, add a comment..

by JAKE GOLDMAN:

1. Dennis Haskins (a.k.a. Mr. Belding) - babysat him for a weekend in Syracuse, NY. He ate anything that was put in front of him and talked while he was eating about how inspiring our college comedy group was.

2. Lil Wayne - I shot an interview with him - He was really tiny and did not take off his sunglasses and when I told him I liked an obscure song of his he said "oh word? who dis?" and pointed at me and then he took a picture with me that I have and forever cherish.

3. Hulk Hogan - sat in a sound booth with him while he watched his daughter perform - He called all of us "brother" and told us he auditioned to be the bassist for both Metallica and the Rolling Stones. I do not believe him.


by LAURA McMILLAN:

1. Ted Kennedy - Wesleyan University dorm room - not actually a lion

2. Marcia Ball - my great-uncle's funeral - is a skinny white lady with mom hair

3. Katie Couric - restaurant in Spain - unexciting. Has an annoying daughter (translation: I resented her fluency in Spanish and consequent ability to flirt with the hot waiter).


by AARON REUBEN:

1. I met John McCain - Charleston, SC Barnes and Noble book signing (1999) - He has goddamn enormous hands.

Synonyms for "Duh"

by JOHN CUSICK, guest blogger

1. Der!
2. Der-hey!
4. Doi!
5. A-doi!
6. No duh!
7. Uh...der!
8. Double der-hey!
9. No doi!
10. Uh.....YEAH!

The Butter Progression

by THE McMILLANS, guest bloggers

Lard
Butter
Margarine
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
I Am Growing Increasingly Skeptical That This Is Butter
You're Not Fooling Me, That Is Definitely Not Butter
Butter? Sheeee-it.

What's Your Resolution?

by JESSALEE LANDFRIED, guest blogger

A letter to the editor that my dad received at the newspaper where he works (he is the editorial page editor at the Durham Herald-Sun), in response to the prompt, "What's your New Year's resolution?":

> I think the person who keep dropping off unwanted pets at
> my house should resolve to stop this. We are going broke
> trying to take care of what we do have. We are trying to
> find the chicken a good home. The last little kitten we
> didn't find until it was run over. Enough is ENOUGH !
> Besides being broke, we are tired, my health could be
> better, and we are mad at whoever is doing this. Hope I
> don't see catch them. I live not 1 1/2 mile from the
> Durham County Animal Shelter which has facilities for
> unwanted pets.

[Editor's note: This is unrelated, but I really like the headline of Wednesday's Herald-Sun editorial: "Getting Serious on Dog, Cat Tax."

TYFBAF is the new LOL

by LEILA ESTES, guest blogger

Thank you for being a friend!

[Thanks to D-Listed for the pic. More celebrity dolls here.]

Australian Slang That Makes No Sense To Me

by SOJOURNER, guest blogger

1. Fair Dinkum = honest, true, the real deal
2. Tracky Daks = sweat pants
3. Arvo = afternoon
4. Middy, Schooner = 285 mL and 425 mL of beer, respectively
5. "D and M" = deep and meaningful conversation

Best Talk Radio Interview Questions

by CHRIS ROSEN, guest blogger

1. Describe the Internet.
2. Follow up: how are you?
3. And, what language are you speaking at the moment?
4. Have you read the newspaper? And if so, could you please tell us what it says?
5. What are your thoughts on genocide, and do you come down for or against?
6. Do I need to buy groceries later?
7. Do you ever just feel like crying for no reason?
8. This is a three-parter: what is global warming? Are you a man or a woman? And finally, where are we?
9. Also, and this is important: what does that have to do with anything?
10. Final question: what else ya got?

Best Animals You Never Knew Existed, Pt. 2

by AARON REUBEN, guest blogger

6. Pink Fairy Armadillo (Chlamyphorus truncatus) - Argentina

7. Cantor's giant soft-shelled turtle (Pelochelys cantorii)

8. Blob fish (Psychrolutes marcidus) - Australia

9. Malaysian Tapir (Tapirus indicus) - Malaysia

10. Yeti Crab (Kiwa hirsuta) - South Pacific Ocean

Best Animals You Never Knew Existed

by AARON REUBEN, guest blogger

1. Aye-aye (Daubentonia madagascariensis) - Madagascar

2. Mongolian Saiga (Saiga tatarica) - Mongolia

3. Long-eared Jerboa (Euchoreutes naso) - Mongolia

4. North Sulawesi Babirusa (Babyrusini celebensis) - Indonesia

5. Batfish (particularly the red-lipped batfish)