Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Site Sponsor #3

Dear D.L. Jardine's Foods,

Please sponsor my blog. Your peach salsa, a distinctive blend of sun-ripened peaches and smoky jalapenos, is, as advertised, not too hot, not too sweet. I can absolutely understand why your Original Peach Salsa has won a 1st Place award from Chili Pepper Magazine's Fiery Foods Challenge, and American Taste Award of Excellence and a 1st place Scovie Award from Fiery Foods Magazine. You promised me that, with one bite, I'd be blazing a path to the bottom of the jar in no time. And you delivered on that promise, D.L. Jardine's, you delivered tenfold. You may send your support for my blog in the form of a six-pack of 16.5 oz jars of your delicious Peach Salsa; alternately, I will accept your Chuckwagon Seasoning Sampler and not complain.

Lonesome Lumberjack

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Small Joys of Data Cleanup

by LAURA McMILLAN, guest blogger

Names in my workplace's email activist database I think are spam:
Mr. Mature Slut
Ms. Pantyhose Sex
Mr. Fabric Fabric
Mrs. Ringtones Ringtones
Mr. Teen Voyeur
Sluts Sierra
Psycho Parade
Razoo Razoo
hhlmlyeqda hhlmlyeqda
Mr. cheap phentermine Rodrigues

Names I think are real:
Larry Thickey
Noble Barker
Moosa Raffey
Donna Shookus
Tom Cheeseman
Rob Roy McGregor

Names I am unsure about:
Mrs. Magnolia Mallard
Hoc X. Cao
Dagger Rapp
Stephen Fry
Xalman Nalchimously

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Party Fouls

1. Dropping an entirely full and just-opened 40 on a hard kitchen floor (I have done this)
2. Falling asleep on the floor at the height of the party (I have also done this)
3. Bringing "Axis and Allies," expectantly
4. Marriage proposals, divorce proposals
5. Dog-whistle race politics
6. Selling magazine subscriptions
7. Spin art
8. High school fight songs
9. Menstruation
10. Television repair

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Overheard Recently on NPR

by ELIZABETH BOUDREAU, guest blogger

I.) Economy explainer: "The problem, what's really going on here, is that the banks have underwritten some bad loans and now they don't have enough capital to cover their a... their... their.... debts!"

II.) Melissa Block: "This is All Things Considered on NPR, I'm Robert S -- I'm Melissa Block."

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Best Conversation-Starting Lies

1. I have a glass eye!
2. I saw Beck on the subway on my way to work this morning. He looked sad.
3. I have two glass eyes.
4. I have a fiberglass face. Go on, touch it!
5. I can recite a full Catholic mass in the original Latin.
6. I don't really think domestic abuse is that big of a deal. Is that weird?
7. I actually really like Josh Groban's music. Yes, it's true, I would go to a concert of his if I had the chance.
8. I have more money than I know what to do with. Any ideas?
9. I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you, too, have a glass eye.
10. Hi, so nice to meet you.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Google Ad of the Day

Barack Obama: Yes or No?
10-Second Poll.

Sustainable Inventions

1. Grass-and-Peat Laptop
2. Recycled Peanut Butter
3. Grow-Your-Own Car Exhaust Machine
4. Electric-Powered Water Bottle
5. Solar-Powered Bed

Friday, March 20, 2009


1. The smell of cooked broccoli
2. The sight of people making out on my morning commute

Thursday, March 19, 2009


1. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
2. Box wine
3. Driftwood
4. Phoenix, AZ
5. Jimmy Fallon
6. Those clown pants that chefs wear
7. Pecan pie
8. Walking on sidewalks in large groups
9. Religious pamphlets
10. Ska

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Overseen On Time Warner Cable Summaries

by MICHAEL KROLL, guest blogger

Bewitched (2005):
A real life witch (Nicole Kidman) stars in this remake of the 1960's t.v. classic.

Monday, March 16, 2009

My Grandmother's First Ten Status Updates Upon Joining Facebook

1. Feb. 10: Mary is being old and milking it for all it's worth!
2. Feb. 15: Mary is scratching her head! Can I not become Mary Joan?
3. Feb. 16: Mary is Wondering how to put my photo into FaceBook. It is not digital?
4. Feb. 17: Mary is amazed that she has found the "Friend Requests" I hope that now I am officially Nick's friend????
5. Feb. 18: Mary is lost! Thhis FaceBook does not use Verizon so I made up a yahoo one. I wrote it down along with my Password. Now they day the password in incorrect! The sky i.
6. Feb. 19: Mary is really Mary Joan!
7. Feb. 25: Mary Joan is getting ready to watch Duke beat Maryland! [Comment: Mary Joan Kirchner likes this.]
8. Mar. 1: Mary Joan is wide awake at 1:53 AM! I have so many things to think about!
9. Mar. 1: Mary Joan is home from church and ready for a nap.
10. Mar. 3: Mary Joan is waiting to see the new episode of John Adams and knit a new dish cloth.

[Note: I did not make these up. She is awesome.]

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Titles of Conversations Overheard Recently

1. Oh My God Shut Up No Way Oh My God
2. Wolverine Was Too in The Avengers
3. "I Am a Crazy Person": The Musical
4. Get In the Stroller Right Now
5. I Know Bro, No One's Hiring: That's the Way It Is
6. Let's All Argue About How Much We'd Pay a Prostitute For a B.J.
7. Yeah Man I Freakin LOVE Van Gogh: An Insistence
8. You a Pretty Young Thing, You Don't Wanna Talk, Alright
9. Let's Debate Whether the Girl at Work is Cute-Pregnant or Fat-Pregnant
10. WHAT is that smell.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Things I Know I Should Do More Often

1. Floss
2. Express my emotions

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Best First Date Ideas

1. The Tyra Banks Show
2. Clean out attic
3. Public library
4. Rent U-Haul, just drive
5. Go to church
6. Blood Oaths
7. Deception Island, Antarctica: 62 57' S, 60 38' W
8. Visit Mom in the hospital
9. Local community college acapella concert
10. Survive plane crash in the Hudson together

Monday, March 9, 2009

Places/Things I Have Gotten Kicked Out Of

1. Age 9: Dance team performing the song "Pink Cadillac" by Bruce Springsteen at the Great Falls Elementary School talent show (I did not learn the dance)
2. Age 10: 5th Grade classroom (for laughing)
3. Age 13: 8th Grade classroom (for telling my teacher that he was being patronizing)
4. Age 14: A "Claire's" Accessory Store (my friends and I were taking pictures of each other wearing their tiaras without buying anything)
5. Age 17: 11th Grade classroom (for laughing)
6. Age 18: College improv group (was not funny enough at the time)
7. Age 19: A Long Island grocery store (for trying to buy beer by pretending to be a German exchange student who could not speak English when asked for my ID)
8. Age 20: My first long-term relationship in college (he got bored)
9. Age 21: A London bus (had not bought a ticket)
10. Age 24: Job at a toddler gym on the Upper East Side (refused to talk to kids in a high-pitched baby voice)

Friday, March 6, 2009

Fever-Dream I Had Last Night That Made Me Laugh When I Woke Up

I brought my old clunky PC desktop to an Apple-store-type help desk, where a stunningly beautiful blonde lady was going to help me repair my computer. After checking things out for a while she shook her head and said that she was sorry, but my anti-virus software did a sweep of my files and found my resume, from which it deduced that I was trying to be an actress, and that the computer diagnostic concluded that I required a nosejob and facelift and spray-tan before it would allow her to do any repairs. "I'm sorry," she said, "I can't override it; you know how anti-virus software is. You're going to have to just do it." And I was sent away with my broken computer in an unwieldy bundle in my arms.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Misappropriated Literary Reference of the Day

[This is a real MTA NYC Subway ad...thanks to this blog for the pic.]

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Surprisingly Still in Style

1. Suntans
2. Dating
3. Keds
4. Led Zeppelin
5. Candles that smell like things
6. The phrase "get a life"
7. Actresses with eating disorders
8. Big plastic glasses frames
9. Guilt
10. Window blinds

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Best Sports Team Mascots

1. The Fighting Methodists
2. The Crying Crows
3. The Glaring Owls
4. The Blood-thirsty Patriots
5. The Green Beavers
6. The Approaching Storm
7. The Tall Glass of Milk
8. The Unfounded Aggression
9. The Yellow Fever
10. The Scared Baby Sharks

*[#1 and 6 are real.]

Monday, March 2, 2009

Things I’ve Stuck My Face Into That I Shouldn’t Have

by TRAVIS RAVE, guest blogger

1. A swinging door
2. Bleu cheese dressing
3. Coat ownership argument
4. Photo finish
5. Chicken pot pie
6. Gnome thievery
7. Cauldron (“witch’s”)
8. Glue factory
9. Wedding cake (not mine)
10. Cat food (smelled like turkey…did not taste like turkey)