Recent Events in the News I Would Like to Formally Apologize and/or Take Credit For

1. Wal-Mart Customer in Mass. Finds Teeth in Wallet

2. US Research Suggests that Mental Powers Decline At Age 27

3. Woman Buys Used Couch and Finds Living Cat Inside

4. John Mayer Twitters About His Feelings, Writes "This heart didn't come with instructions"

5. Tourist at Nudist Colony Refuses to Take Clothes Off and Causes a Mini-riot