Overheard at Work: Holidays Edition

Note: I work at a national radio network. These are real.

I. St. Patrick's Day

Board Operator: Can I drink beer in the studio today?
Programming Director: Weren't you the one who spilled champagne on the studio controls and shorted out the phone system on election night?
Board Operator: God, that happened ONE TIME, okay??


II. Earth Day

Board Operator, to radio host, before show: Okay so for Earth Day, do you want me to get the kid pooping in the bucket?
Host: Yes.

Overheard Recently on NPR

by ELIZABETH BOUDREAU, guest blogger

I.) Economy explainer: "The problem, what's really going on here, is that the banks have underwritten some bad loans and now they don't have enough capital to cover their a... their... their.... debts!"

II.) Melissa Block: "This is All Things Considered on NPR, I'm Robert S -- I'm Melissa Block."

Titles of Conversations Overheard Recently

1. Oh My God Shut Up No Way Oh My God
2. Wolverine Was Too in The Avengers
3. "I Am a Crazy Person": The Musical
4. Get In the Stroller Right Now
5. I Know Bro, No One's Hiring: That's the Way It Is
6. Let's All Argue About How Much We'd Pay a Prostitute For a B.J.
7. Yeah Man I Freakin LOVE Van Gogh: An Insistence
8. You a Pretty Young Thing, You Don't Wanna Talk, Alright
9. Let's Debate Whether the Girl at Work is Cute-Pregnant or Fat-Pregnant
10. WHAT is that smell.

I Heart NY

Man, yelling across the train tracks at West 4th Street: HEY! CRAZY PIANO MAN, WHAT'S YOUR WEBSITE?

Man, inexplicably playing a full-sized piano on the subway platform: Just go to Crazypianoguy.com, I guess, and I'll be there!

Every Day

I.
Me: He's here.
Chris: Who?
Me: Dummy.
Chris: That narrows it down to, everyone.

II.
Me: I want to go out to lunch.
Chris: Where do you want to go?
Me: Somewhere extravagantly expensive.
Chris: In that case, may I interest you in, everywhere.

Overheard on 38th & 8th

Man: So then you started dancing...

Woman: And then what happened?

Man: And then I brought the guy over to you...I can't believe you don't remember this!

Overheard at an Information Session for Journalism Graduate School

Admissions Guy: The masters' project is really great, because it allows you to follow your passion, and write about whatever topic you're most passionate about, whether it be sports, homelessness, or weather.

Overheard in the A train

College-aged girl, to her friend: Yeah, no, the sublet was cool, or I could tell it was gonna be cool, after we got rid of all the, like, old lady things everywhere, but then she said that we had to keep the landline and pay the bill for it, which, of course, was like, morally...soul-crushing. So I'm not gonna take it. Plus it smelled like old hippies.

ObamaPerks

Overheard at work yesterday:
Woman: Did you know that if you go into a Starbucks and you say "I voted," they give you a free coffee? And at Dunkin' Donuts you get a free donut, and at Ben n' Jerry's you get a free ice cream cone.
Man: Why can't I just lie and say I voted when I didn't?
Woman: You can.
Man: This is the best country ever. I love America.

Overheard in the street late last night:
Boy: Yo, you going to school tomorrow?
Girl: Hell no! Obama just gave us the day off!

Return to the Shoe Repair Guy on DeKalb

Shoe Repair Guy (to old woman in front of me in line): Don't you know you don't mess with the shoemaker, especially with his CASH.
[Old woman shakes her head and leaves.]
SRG (To me): Hello sweetie what you got for me.
Me: Hi, I just need to pick up my boots.
SRG: Brown boots? I knew it was you! Here you go.
Me: Oh, these look really good.
SRG: I KNOW THAT ALREADY.
Me (in my head): Why are you so mean?
Me (actually): [Walks out silently with head down.]

A Trip to the Shoe Repair Guy on DeKalb

Shoe Repair Guy: Hello sweetie what you got for me.
Me: Hi, I'd like to get these boots re-soled because they have holes in them and my feet get wet when it rains.
SRG: Yeeeesss yes. Twenty dollars deposit, yes?
Me: Oh, I don't have that much cash with me, sorry. Do you take credit cards?
SRG: [High-pitched voice] I don't have cash! I don't have cash! Don't you know the shoemaker he LIKES THE CASH.
Me: Alllrighty then, I will go find an ATM.
SRG: Eh, an ATM! An ATM!
Me (in my head): Jesus!
Me (actually): [Walks out silently with head down.]

Overheard Outside a San Francisco Tacqueria

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

Loiterer 1: Yeah, man, if you're willing to sleep on the floor among my Magic cards and dirty clothes, you're fucking welcome to crash.
Loiterer 2: [inaudible]
Loiterer 1: Just don't look in my "pron" folder. I've got all kinds of shit in there, because, like, why not?
*
[Author's note: "Pron" is computer-nerd-speak for porn. Helpful guide to nerd-speak here.]

Overheard in a Fort Greene Deli

Deli Employee 1: But, like, echinacea is good though, right, dawg?
Deli Employee 2: Yeah!
Deli Employee 1: Yeah.

Things I Heard McCain Compared to in Post-Debate Analysis This Week

1. Garden gnome
2. Dancing lizard
3. Grumpy old man
4. Angry troll
5. Axe murderer
6. Manchurian candidate
7. Vomiting monster-dragon
8. Grimace, the McDonald's character
9. Person in obvious gastrointestinal distress
10. Pile of mashed potatoes with teeth

[Posted on 23/6]

Overheard - The Fall Wardrobe Edition

Overheard at American Apparel:

Clerk: Hey dude, what's up with you?
Clerk's Friend: Hey man, not much.
Clerk: What have you been up to?
Clerk's Friend: Just waiting for some callbacks.
Clerk: Oh, are you going to auditions or something? I didn't know you were acting or whatever.
Clerk's Friend: Oh, no, I mean, like, I've called a lot of people, to like, hang out, and I'm waiting for them to get back to me.
Clerk: Oh, ok....cool, man.

Overheard at Urban Outfitters:

Woman Looking at Clothes: Oh, so, according to this store, I don't exist?

Overheard Last Week

I.)
NYU Student 1: I mean, at some point, philosophy has to relate to something in the real world, a person, an action, a thing. It can't just remain abstract forever!

NYU Student 2: I disagree!

II.)
Man on phone: Yo I seen four girls I used to go out with all in one DAY! Shit.

III.)
Me: I got carded in a Wal-Mart when I bought nail-polish.

Chris: Well, now I've heard everything.

Stumped.

Man: I don't understand this whole economy thing. Can you explain to me the economy?
Me: I don't even understand the new Facebook.

Overheard at the Office, cont'd

IV.)
Man on Phone: Okay, well, you should just know, going forward, that I have a hostility to semicolons.

Overheard at the Office

I.)
Man 1, to Computer: Jesus CHRIST! This isn't rocket science!
Man 2, to Printer: Oh, fuck you, printer. Seriously.

II.)
Man: Should I ask a girl out on a date that I have only talked to over email?
Me: Sure, why not.
Man: Yeah. You know what? I'm turning 30, I don't give a fuck anymore.

III.)
Woman 1: Cute shoes!
Woman 2: Thank you!.....Do they match my ulcers?
Woman 1: Hahahaha. Yeah.
Woman 2: Everything goes great with blood!!!
[walks away]
[silence]

[These are real.]

Overheard on 14th Street

Mother: "And what if you were an AIRPLANE?"
Small Girl: "Noooo! Stop it!"