New Year's (Eve) Resolutions

1. Less snow
2. More hats
3. Talk to people
4. 10 beers
5. More lists
6. Shouting
7. High heels
8. Dancing
9. ELO
10. In bed by 12:05

Australian Slang That Makes No Sense To Me

by SOJOURNER, guest blogger

1. Fair Dinkum = honest, true, the real deal
2. Tracky Daks = sweat pants
3. Arvo = afternoon
4. Middy, Schooner = 285 mL and 425 mL of beer, respectively
5. "D and M" = deep and meaningful conversation

Best Talk Radio Interview Questions

by CHRIS ROSEN, guest blogger

1. Describe the Internet.
2. Follow up: how are you?
3. And, what language are you speaking at the moment?
4. Have you read the newspaper? And if so, could you please tell us what it says?
5. What are your thoughts on genocide, and do you come down for or against?
6. Do I need to buy groceries later?
7. Do you ever just feel like crying for no reason?
8. This is a three-parter: what is global warming? Are you a man or a woman? And finally, where are we?
9. Also, and this is important: what does that have to do with anything?
10. Final question: what else ya got?

Lumberjack on the TV

I used to produce a weekly radio show hosted by Sam Seder, who now has a daily webcast thingy with Marc Maron called "Maron v. Seder", which you can watch or podcast here. It's political and funny and sarcastic and great. Lately they're doing a series for the show called "Meet the Co-Workers," and here's the one where they meet me:

Best Animals You Never Knew Existed, Pt. 2

by AARON REUBEN, guest blogger

6. Pink Fairy Armadillo (Chlamyphorus truncatus) - Argentina

7. Cantor's giant soft-shelled turtle (Pelochelys cantorii)

8. Blob fish (Psychrolutes marcidus) - Australia

9. Malaysian Tapir (Tapirus indicus) - Malaysia

10. Yeti Crab (Kiwa hirsuta) - South Pacific Ocean

Best Animals You Never Knew Existed

by AARON REUBEN, guest blogger

1. Aye-aye (Daubentonia madagascariensis) - Madagascar

2. Mongolian Saiga (Saiga tatarica) - Mongolia

3. Long-eared Jerboa (Euchoreutes naso) - Mongolia

4. North Sulawesi Babirusa (Babyrusini celebensis) - Indonesia

5. Batfish (particularly the red-lipped batfish)

Sentence-Starters That Make Me Skeptical

by JAKE KIRCHNER, guest blogger

1. My friends
2. My fellow Americans
3. In this day and age
4. When I was your age
5. Honest, it wasn't my fault but
6. Stop me if you've heard this one
7. All I'm saying is
8. Never before in the history of mankind
9. You know I wouldn't lie to you
10. I can honestly say, without fear of contradiction, that

To Do: Small Businesses I Want to Establish

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

1. Florist Yeltson (Flower Shop)
2. Flour Power (Bakery)
3. Crepes of Wrath (Crepery)
4. Persian Golf Shop (Sporting Goods)
5. Hymn and Her (Wedding Choir Service)
6. Underground Maleroad (Gay Bar)
7. Shopping Maul (Jungle Cat Rental)
8. Tater Taught (Agricultural School)
9. Ace of Spayeds (Impotent Pet Cloning Service)
10. Friends and Fauxs (Fake Fur Shop)

Unprofessional Skills

1. Talking about a coworker in his/her absence and immediately switching topics, mid-rant, when he/she walks into the room
2. Talking about a coworker over Gchat when he/she is sitting right next to me in full view of my computer monitor
3. Concealing my Hulu/Failblog/RandomKittenGenerator addictions
4. Masking my contempt for the management
5. Being alternately ignored and talked down to like I am a small child
6. Taking offense at most of the jokes said in my presence
7. Stewing silently
8. Sleeping with my eyes open
9. Sound effects
10. Lying

Dream Menu at Dream Restaurant

by JAKE GOLDMAN, guest blogger

APPETIZERS:

Little, tiny, edible guitars.....FREE

Chipolte-soaked Mini-Apple Pies, Gold Coins inside...Pay with Gold Coins

Hand Soap that tastes like Chicken Wing Sauce...$32 (worth it)

Any soup ever...$$Whatever you think soup should cost

SALADS:

Fourteen Hamburgers in a Bowl, Some Lettuce, Whatever....$7

All your Childhood Memories Diced Salad...You tell us. Could get ugly. (Please Call 24 hours in advance if you plan on ordering this one. Need to come in early and get a mind-meld or whatever.)

ENTREES:

Mystery Envelope: Large envelope stuffed with a mystery. Not food. It's an actual mystery you have to solve because the county police department had to make budget cuts. Please help.....$14

Kevin Spacey: Basically, you're going to eat Kevin Spacey. He doesn't know he's going to get eaten, he thinks it's a surprise party for him. We provide tools, you cook him however. Heard he's slippery, hard to tackle. Just be aware....If you pull this off AND it's good, we will pay you. Not sure how much yet because we haven't made much money on any of these dishes.

Chicken Parmesan: Don't get this because there's a knife inside of it.

Blagojevich's Bargain Basement

Thank you for your interest in the Rod Blagojevich's Bargain Basement Illinois Legislature Blowout Sale! Below is a price list of the items currently available. Fax in your order now and and get a Chipotle burrito with each purchase!

-Illinois U.S. Senate Seat (pre-order now; avail. on January 20) - $1,500,000
-Illinois State Senate Seat - $750,000
-Secretary of Health and Human Services post - $300,000
-Chairmanship of the Board of the Tribune Company - was $100,000, now $1
-Position of Ombudsman at The Chicago Tribune - $50,000 a year plus benefits
-Rights to the domain name www.BlagoBlog.com - $90
-New 8-lane toll highway - $2,500,000,000 and you have to name your first-born son "Rod"
-Pizza date with Tony Rezko including 2 tickets to "Slumdog Millionaire" - $29
-Chicago Ambassadorship to Washington, D.C. (we have those, right?) - $500,000,000
-Mahogany desk, ergonomic office chair, telephone and PC computer, previously belonging to Chief of Staff John Harris, who won't be needing them anymore - $627.06
-The Republic Windows and Doors factory in Chicago's North Side, and all 600,000 previously-employed people currently protesting inside it - $10
-First Base starting position on the Chicago Cubs - was $12,999,000, now $12.99!
-The rights to the movie "Chicago" - $400,000
-Original vinyl copy of the 1978 album Hot Streets by Chicago - $48
-The University of Chicago - $9,999,999,999,999.99
-Half-eaten 7-grain bagel with scallion cream cheese that may or may not have been discarded by President-elect Barack Obama - $300

[Cross-posted at 23/6 and AAR.]

Overheard on 38th & 8th

Man: So then you started dancing...

Woman: And then what happened?

Man: And then I brought the guy over to you...I can't believe you don't remember this!

Cocktails I Never Want to Drink

by R.A., guest blogger

1. Urinal Mint Julep – two parts bourbon, one part simple syrup, one part urinal mint
2. Dirty Martini – in a used, warm, fingerprint-laden glass from the bar
3. Bulliontini – martini garnished with two skewered bullion cubes
4. Irish Car Bomb – Three parts lighter fluid, one part Sparks alcoholic energy drink
5. Pina Colada – with real Hawaiian Tropic coconut tanning oil, garnished with coconut Little Tree air freshener

Overheard at an Information Session for Journalism Graduate School

Admissions Guy: The masters' project is really great, because it allows you to follow your passion, and write about whatever topic you're most passionate about, whether it be sports, homelessness, or weather.

Best Ways to Make a Dry Martini

by JOHN CUSICK, guest blogger

Legend has it Winston Churchill liked his martinis so dry he would only glance sideways at a bottle of vermouth while preparing them. But did you know you can make an even drier martini?

1. Glance sideways at a bottle of vermouth...that's in a different room!
2. Ship a bottle of vermouth to a friend in Canada. Drink your martini while talking to that friend on the phone.
3. Say the world "vermouth" into a box. Bury the box. Drink a glass of gin.
4. Watch a film that may or may not contain a bottle of vermouth.
5. Ask your dad to write "vermouth" backwards. Not now, but later. When you're not around.
6. Read a book about France while drinking a glass of gin.
7. Buy a vermouth factory. Burn it. Move to Spain. Drink a glass of gin.
8. Travel back in time and shoot Jean-Claude Vermouth, inventor of vermouth. Drink a glass of gin over his bloody corpse.
9. Place an empty martini glass on your counter. Stare at it. (Known as an "Ultra-Dry Martini.")
10. Drink a Collins glass full of vermouth. Declare it "opposite day."

[Please visit John's new book-cocktail-lingerie project here.]

Virginia Towns We Drove Past, Pt. 3

1. Toano
2. Lightfoot
3. Croaker
4. Norge
5. Orapax Farms
6. Bottoms Bridge
7. Talleysville
8. Carmel Church
9. New Kent Courthouse
10. Barhamsville

Virginia Towns We Drove Past, Pt. 2

1. Ladysmith
2. Golansville
3. McDuff
4. Ruther Glen
5. Doswell
6. Gum Tree
7. Heaths Store
8. French Hay
9. Tappahannock
10. Mechanicsville

[p.s. these are all real]

Virginia Towns We Drove Past Yesterday

1. Shirlington
2. Occoquan
3. Dumfries
4. Falmouth
5. Culpeper
6. Spotsylvania
7. Massaponax
8. Thornburg
9. Nancy Wrights Corner
10. Blantons

Some Things I am Taller Than

1. Coffee tables
2. Fruit
3. Most animals (but not bears, horses, or gorillas)
4. Most babies
5. Kitchen appliances except for fridge
6. Park benches
7. My bicycle
8. My roommate Rachel by 1"
9. That pile of newspapers over there
10. Evan when he is sitting down and I am not

Monday Mailbag!

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Does he love me? I want to know! How can I tell if he loves me so?

-Cher


Dear Cher,

It's in his kiss. That's where it is!

***

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Your website is gay.

-Ballz_d33p


Dear Ballz,

Well! I never! In my life!

American Things That Should Have Never Been Exported to Australia

by SOJOURNER, guest blogger

1. KMart
2. Baskin Robbins ice cream (Why not Ben and Jerry's?)
3. Target
4. Rap music (It just doesn't sound right with the Ozzie accent.)
5. The phrase "word to your mother"
6. Payless Shoes (Which you actually don't pay less for, cause they're imported.)
7. Domino's Pizza (Um, is it even good back home?)
8. So You Think You Can Dance: Australia

[Read more about Sojourner's sojourns here.]

Overheard in the A train

College-aged girl, to her friend: Yeah, no, the sublet was cool, or I could tell it was gonna be cool, after we got rid of all the, like, old lady things everywhere, but then she said that we had to keep the landline and pay the bill for it, which, of course, was like, morally...soul-crushing. So I'm not gonna take it. Plus it smelled like old hippies.

To-Do: Tattoos I Want to Get

1. Nicolas Cage's face, life-sized, superimposed on my face
2. Big bug on my eyelid, cuz that's bad-ass
3. Studio portrait of my future family
4. Siskel & Ebert's Thumbs Up / Thumbs Down logo
(on my boobs)
5. Musical score of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
6. MTA subway map, just for convenience
7. Phone numbers & addresses of ex-boyfriends
8. Chinese character for "ironic"
9. My latest rejection letter from McSweeney's
10. A frowning baby head on my bicep

Celebrities My Boss Has His Arm Around in Photographs Hanging in His Office

1. Bill Clinton
2. Joe Biden
3. Jerry Springer
4. Michelle Branch
5. Casey Kasem

Hi, folks

Apologies for the lapse, there, my dear readers.... After the election and some job-shifting here at the radio, not to mention a full acre and a half of giant redwoods that wasn't going to chop/de-branch/log/float down a river all by themselves, I needed a bit of a breather.

But I would like to share this radio show I produced for Soundcheck, featuring two guests talking about the search for folk music, then and now; namely, by the labels Smithsonian Folkways and Dust to Digital. Featuring some great tunes by Woody Guthrie, Leadbelly, and some amazing gospel tunes that you've almost certainly never heard before. Enjoy, yall! Be back tomorrow with more logs, er, I mean, lists.

Best Things to Say While Putting Your Hand to Your Face

1. I am shocked that you said that!
2. Dios mio!
3. Do I have a fever?
4. Ow, that hit me squarely in the face.
5. The Dow is dropping again.
6. I am scared of that ghost over there.
7. Shh, I am thinking and/or sleeping.
8. My cheeks feel fat.
9. [Yawn]
10. Don't look at me, hide your eyes, for I am hideous.

ObamaPerks

Overheard at work yesterday:
Woman: Did you know that if you go into a Starbucks and you say "I voted," they give you a free coffee? And at Dunkin' Donuts you get a free donut, and at Ben n' Jerry's you get a free ice cream cone.
Man: Why can't I just lie and say I voted when I didn't?
Woman: You can.
Man: This is the best country ever. I love America.

Overheard in the street late last night:
Boy: Yo, you going to school tomorrow?
Girl: Hell no! Obama just gave us the day off!

It's over!

Stevie Wonder is pumping through the speakers of Obama camps across the country, people are literally dancing in the streets outside my house, and I find myself unable to snark any more on this fine evening. Goodnight from the Lonesome Lumberjack.

Live-snarking.

Hey folks, took me a while to get warmed up but I've been live-blogging the election coverage for Air America here. Cable news, verdict: Ridiculous. Electoral votes: Almost certain.

Is something important happening today? I can't remember.

Voting Booth Checklist!

Hey! Election Day is exciting, and you might forget things! So when you leave the house to go vote today, keep this checklist handy! First you have to decide whether you're a Democrat (D) or a Republican (R), so if you don't know yet, you might want to get on that, ok!

BRING A FORM OF ID, JUST IN CASE:
Democrats - Drivers license and a utility bill
Republicans - T.G.I.F. punch card, Buy 9 Jalapeno Popper Platters and Get 1 Free!

TO LISTEN TO ON THE WAY THERE:
(D) - iPod, tuned to Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Stevie Wonder
(R) - Windows Zune, tuned to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence

TO READ WHILE WAITING IN LINE:
(D) - The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein and a copy of The New Yorker
(R) - The Washington Times editorial page, the childrens' book Everybody Poops, and a pile of Bazooka wrappers

TO BRING INTO THE BOOTH:
(D) - Cellphone with video camera to record your vote being immediately flipped to McCain
(R) - Trifocals on a red rhinestone chain and your lucky autographed picture of Jason Robards

AND DON'T FORGET TO WEAR:
(D) - A big Obama/Biden pin
(R) - A cloud of rage and self-loathing

[cross-posted on 236.com and AirAmerica.com]

Small Request

Dear Barack Obama,

Please sponsor my blog. You are going to be a totally awesome Prez! And you probs have a lot of money that you won't need at all in like, a day or so, right? You've got an army of college kids who only cost you a couple Clif bars a day and demand only an I-heart-Obama magnet for their dorm mini-fridges in return for their tireless, 24/7 haranguing of swing state voters. Thanks, Barack Obama! You can express your support for my blog in the form of $600 million.

Best regards,
Lonesome Lumberjack

Pop Quiz: Google Phone

Hey, techies! Which of these recently-announced, free-for-download applications for the new Google G1 Android smart phone are NOT real?

1. Krystle II: a "virtual pet" application for your phone
2. Cocktail!: Learn how to mix fancy drinks
3. Ecorio: An application that monitors your carbon footprint and gives you tips for reducing it
4. BlueBrush: Share a virtual canvas with your friends and draw on it...like "Microsoft Paintbrush," but more Internetty
5. Breadcrumbz: Open up a google map of your location and overlay it with photos and voice notes about favorite spots nearby to share with friends
6. Shazam: identifies background music in a bar or cafe and helps you order the song for download
7. Barcode Scanner: uses the G1's tiny camera to scan the barcode of any item, such as a book or a CD, then prices the item online, and, using the phone's Global Positioning System, tells you where you can buy it the cheapest in nearby stores.
8. Wikitude: also uses the internal camera to take photos of your surroundings and then provide relevant info about your surroundings, downloaded from Wikipedia.
9. Pocket Seismograph: Uses the phone's motion-sensitive accelerometer to track your speed, longitudinal and latitudinal location and elevation.
10. SandwichPsychic: Listens in to your phone conversations with your friends and, based on your current mood, determines what kind of sandwich you might be hungry for, then orders one from the closest deli, charges it to your PayPal account, and has it delivered to you within 5 minutes.

[Answer: #10 is not real. Source: the UK's Telegraph. Cross-posted today on Air America.]

Favorite Fevers

1. The auditory hallucination kind
2. Regretting that marathon
3. Chinese food
4. 4:00 a.m. insomniac house-cleaning
5. Red wine
6. Cat-scratch
7. Realizing I am wrong in the middle of an argument
8. Workday hangover
9. Crowded general admission concert
10. Love

Favorite Seasons

1. Summer
2. Indian Summer
3. Spring
4. June
5. Beach house
6. Saturday
7. Election
8. Dusk
9. Friends-are-newly-single
10. Old Bay:

Return to the Shoe Repair Guy on DeKalb

Shoe Repair Guy (to old woman in front of me in line): Don't you know you don't mess with the shoemaker, especially with his CASH.
[Old woman shakes her head and leaves.]
SRG (To me): Hello sweetie what you got for me.
Me: Hi, I just need to pick up my boots.
SRG: Brown boots? I knew it was you! Here you go.
Me: Oh, these look really good.
SRG: I KNOW THAT ALREADY.
Me (in my head): Why are you so mean?
Me (actually): [Walks out silently with head down.]

A Trip to the Shoe Repair Guy on DeKalb

Shoe Repair Guy: Hello sweetie what you got for me.
Me: Hi, I'd like to get these boots re-soled because they have holes in them and my feet get wet when it rains.
SRG: Yeeeesss yes. Twenty dollars deposit, yes?
Me: Oh, I don't have that much cash with me, sorry. Do you take credit cards?
SRG: [High-pitched voice] I don't have cash! I don't have cash! Don't you know the shoemaker he LIKES THE CASH.
Me: Alllrighty then, I will go find an ATM.
SRG: Eh, an ATM! An ATM!
Me (in my head): Jesus!
Me (actually): [Walks out silently with head down.]

Things You Can't SHOUT Someone Into Doing

by AARON REUBEN, guest blogger

1. Stop crying!
2. Go to sleep!
3. Love me!
4. Forgive me!
5. Make yourself comfortable!
6. Start peeing!
7. Don't mind me!
8. Savor this moment!
9. Concentrate!
10. RELAX!

Overheard Outside a San Francisco Tacqueria

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

Loiterer 1: Yeah, man, if you're willing to sleep on the floor among my Magic cards and dirty clothes, you're fucking welcome to crash.
Loiterer 2: [inaudible]
Loiterer 1: Just don't look in my "pron" folder. I've got all kinds of shit in there, because, like, why not?
*
[Author's note: "Pron" is computer-nerd-speak for porn. Helpful guide to nerd-speak here.]

Overheard in a Fort Greene Deli

Deli Employee 1: But, like, echinacea is good though, right, dawg?
Deli Employee 2: Yeah!
Deli Employee 1: Yeah.

Things I Heard McCain Compared to in Post-Debate Analysis This Week

1. Garden gnome
2. Dancing lizard
3. Grumpy old man
4. Angry troll
5. Axe murderer
6. Manchurian candidate
7. Vomiting monster-dragon
8. Grimace, the McDonald's character
9. Person in obvious gastrointestinal distress
10. Pile of mashed potatoes with teeth

[Posted on 23/6]

Most Influential Blues Musicians

by JOHN CUSICK, guest blogger

1. Robert "Scraping By" Washington
2. Humphrey "Hang-Nail" Johnson
3. Blind "Blindey" McBlinderson
4. Flighty "No-Ears" Knickerbocker
5. Louis "Five-Nipple" Waller
6. "Tongueless" Bob Sackmeister
7. Jimmy "Superfluous Adam's Apple" Fowler
8. Jackson "Supple Coccyx" Magee
9. Lightning "Hidden, Undeveloped Internal Twin" Gordonson
10. Petticoat Julius

and by AARON REUBEN:

1. Blind Johnson Blindson
2. Blind Willie No-eyes
3. Blind Lead Watershed
4. Creamin' Jay Hoolihan
5. The Reverend Sly

Best Excuses For Not Attending a Social Event

1. Having a kid that day
2. Don't really have anything to wear, or say to you
3. Heard a rumor there will not be hummus at said event
4. Just don't like White people
5. My constituents need me and I won't let them down
6. Busy hosting identical and simultaneous social event in my mind?
7. Having coffee with David Axelrod
8. Am allergic. Just in general.
9. My parents won't let me out that night
10. Probably better to just see you on the Internet

Bloggin' the Prezzies

I'm participating in tonight's live-blogging of the 3rd Presidential Debate over at AirAmerica.com here with my coworkers Beau and Tim.

Ladies Love Hip Hop

In this week's issue of The L Magazine, out today, I reviewed Pimps Up, Hos Down: Hip Hop's Hold on Young Black Women, an excellent and entertaining book by PhD and runway model T. Denean Sharpley-Whiting. You can read it here if interested. It's the only thing I've ever written that both uses the word "fetishization" and also makes a T. Pain joke.

Things You Should Not Do While Calling in to a Radio Show

1. Walk all 8 of your Rottweilers
2. Mow a lawn
3. Drive a tugboat
4. Sit on a washing machine
5. Ride a trolleycar
6. Operate a jack-hammer
7. Fight a forest fire
8. Shovel coal into the furnace of a locomotive
9. Cave-dive
10. Cry

Overheard - The Fall Wardrobe Edition

Overheard at American Apparel:

Clerk: Hey dude, what's up with you?
Clerk's Friend: Hey man, not much.
Clerk: What have you been up to?
Clerk's Friend: Just waiting for some callbacks.
Clerk: Oh, are you going to auditions or something? I didn't know you were acting or whatever.
Clerk's Friend: Oh, no, I mean, like, I've called a lot of people, to like, hang out, and I'm waiting for them to get back to me.
Clerk: Oh, ok....cool, man.

Overheard at Urban Outfitters:

Woman Looking at Clothes: Oh, so, according to this store, I don't exist?

Best Things to Say in an Argument

by RACHEL SCHIFF, guest blogger

1) I'm just really tired

2) It's funny to hear you say that now

3) Who taught you to jump around like that?

4) We're missing the changing of the guards
5) Listen
6) I am adorable
7) This is not about the bleach
8) I think you mean "whom"
9) Jinx!
10) It was never your straw

Nailing Jell-O To the Wall

"Pinning down Senator Obama's tax proposals is like nailing Jell-O to the wall." -- Sen. John McCain in last night's presidential debate in Nashville, TN.

Colloquialisms That Didn't Make the Cut:

1. Building a smokestack out of post-its and gum
2. Throwing darts at the neighborhood paperboy
3. Jack-hammering a spaghetti sandwich
4. Catching a storm-cloud in your angry fists
5. Giving a penicillin shot to a waterfall
6. Rolling down the stairs onto an elephant's stomach
7. Chewing on a battery to make your car run
8. Filling a Spam can with your hopes and dreams
9. Playing a trumpet in the ear of a mosquito
10. Pooping in a movin' caboose

UPDATE: From GYRA in comments, this is too good to pass up...

Oddly enough,
1. = John McCain's nuclear energy proposals
2. = John McCain's plan for dealing with Latin American dictators
3. = John McCain's agricultural trade proposals
4. = John McCain's grasp of climate change
5. = John McCain's health care plan
6. = John McCain's economic safety net
7. = John McCain's favorite alternative fuel
8. = John McCain hates Barack Obama.
9. = Sarah Palin.
10.= John McCain's suggestion for dealing with radioactive waste

Reasons CNN Gives Me Nightmares

1. "Brain-wasting Mad Cow Disease"
2. "A Hurricane headed for Cape Fear"
3. "McCain and Obama in a statistical dead heat"
4. "Complete economic meltdown"
5. "Tainted milk"
6. "Sponsored by Clean Coal"
7. "George Bush to address the nation tonight"
8. John King's shape-shifting touch-screen electoral state map
9. "Yaz" commercials
10. Jack Cafferty

Overheard Last Week

I.)
NYU Student 1: I mean, at some point, philosophy has to relate to something in the real world, a person, an action, a thing. It can't just remain abstract forever!

NYU Student 2: I disagree!

II.)
Man on phone: Yo I seen four girls I used to go out with all in one DAY! Shit.

III.)
Me: I got carded in a Wal-Mart when I bought nail-polish.

Chris: Well, now I've heard everything.

Live-Bloggin' the Palin Party!

Besides taking a hearty gulp of pumpkin ale every time Sarah Palin says the word "maverick," my buddy Jake and I will be participating in 23/6's Live-blog during the VP debate tonight. You can read it HERE (not here) starting at 8:30 pm eastern.

Jobs I Wanted When I Was Little

1. Golf cart/mail truck/Zamboni driver
2. Telephone repair person
3. Supermarket announcement maker
4. Eccentric/insane painter person
5. Tennis ref in the high high chair
6. Ice Capades Dancer
7. Coca-Cola commercial singer
8. Medieval monk
9. Russian gymnast
10. Attorney General

Presidential Chessboard: the Republicans

KING: Ronald Reagan

QUEEN: Richard Nixon

KNIGHTS:
Andrew Jackson
John Adams

BISHOPS:
George W. Bush
Herbert Hoover

ROOKS:
Ulysses Grant
Calvin Coolidge

PAWNS:
Dwight Eisenhower
Gerald Ford
Andrew Johnson
Theodore Roosevelt
Warren Harding
John Tyler
Martin Van Buren
Rutherford Hayes

Presidential Chessboard: the Democrats

KING: Franklin D. Roosevelt

QUEEN: John F. Kennedy

KNIGHTS:
Abraham Lincoln
Thomas Jefferson

BISHOPS:
Bill Clinton
Jimmy Carter

ROOKS:
George Washington
James Madison

PAWNS:
Harry Truman
Woodrow Wilson
Grover Cleveland
John Quincy Adams
James Monroe
Lyndon Johnson
Zachary Taylor
James Buchanan

(They don't pay us anything)

Shockingly, the liveblog that Jake and I wrote on Friday also got posted on 23/6 here on Saturday. With a brand new duo bio pic! Hey-oo.

Live-blogging the First Presidential Debate

by JAKE GOLDMAN and me.

9:04 - OH MY GOD I am so excited!
9:05 - Obama's eyebrows are exciting.
9:08 - Who the fuck picked out McCain's tie? Japanese Anime Animators? Am I right here?
9:09 - "This is the end of the beginning" Finally! We can get to the middle! I love the middle! That's where all the crazy shit happens! Fuck the end!
9:12 - I think by the end of the night, Jim Lehrer is going to get McCain to sit on Obama's lap.
9:15 - "I've got a pen--" What will McCain bring out next of his fantastic prop-bag?! "I have tap-dancing shoes. See? And I'm going to tap dance all over regulation. Or is it de-regulation. Hey! Where's my chips? Oh. There they are. I've got chips--"
9:17 - Obama just said "fill up on this gas," as it were the first time he's ever heard of the concept of gas.
9:19 - Fun fact I just learned: Barack Obama is a woman? (He won miss congeniality?)
9:21 - Holy shit, Obama just looked terrifying when he asked Lehrer if he could respond. Guys, do you think he carries knives?
9:23 - This is a classic example of talkin' the talk, and walkin' the walk. Also of singin' the song, drummin on drums, eatin' the food, and puttin on socks.
9:25 - Oil companies would get an additional 4 billion dollars of tax cuts under McCain's plan? Sounds good to me! They've been working so hard they deserve a break. A break big enough to buy 18 jets.
9:26 - Every time McCain laughs, I have flashbacks to the Halloween of 1989 when my cousin Steve set fire to my jack-o-lantern. Terrifying. Still have nightmares. Would rather not talk about it.
9:27 - Obama = Flag pin. McCain = no flag pin. COUNTRY FIRST? MORE LIKE, WARDROBE FIRST!!!! LADIES?
9:36 - "I want the families to make the decisions between the doctors and diseases." Yup! Sounds about right.
9:38 - Obama: "Your president presided over an orgy of spending." Hey-o!!! Obama has got SOME kind of wild party planned in Oxford after this.
9:41 - I'm sorry folks. Let's get real here for a second: $600 billion. 4,000 lives lost. And this other guy over here is talking about "victory."
9:42 - Hey guys-- hey guys! If you get elected president, you don't have to deal with Iraq anymore. That shit already happened. So all you guys sitting around going "Man , I don't know if I want to be president...all that war stuff...what do I do????" Worry no more! The next president won't have to question anything! LET'S GO AMERICA!
9:47 - Obama's gonna get tired of talking, interrupting McCain every other word to correct every single douchey lie that jack-o-lantern tells.
9:48 - Lehrer: "Afghanistan. What is it. Discuss."
10:00 - "Hey! We both wear bracelets!"
10:02 - Join the Al-Qaeda Columbia House today! For just 15 cents you'll get a video each week. (costs more for beheadings)
10:03 - "Listen, I've been to anyplace that has the word 'stan' in it. Those are all dangerous places, ok? I was also tortured."
10:06 - Obama's centrifuge research is unmatched.
10:10 - Can anyone tell me what the fuck these "pre-conditions" are? Hands behind back? No skateboards? Knives are cool if they are blunt? No cheese on omelettes? All ham party? I hope it's an all ham party.
10:20 - I looked into Putin's eyes and saw a K, a G and a B. And a lemon. And a cherry. And a bunch of sevens. And then I saw this wild boar eat a cement building. Hey, can we take a break? I ate some bad veal.
10:23 - Seriously though, McCain does look like a jack-o-lantern. Guys. It's sad.
10:24 - On energy, let's all think, WWTBPD? what would T. Boone Pickens do?!
10:30 - McCain: You guys-- Obama's dumb, ok?
10:35 - McCain: I can keep Americans safe. I am America's Grandpa!
10:36 - McCain: I don't need on-the-job-training. I know how to cook a hamburger, ok? Ok. Let me just...know, I can handle this I can...just shh...you use a lot of oil...whaaa..whoooaaaaa...WHAAAAAAA. Well. I've lost a hand.
10:37 - McCain: I know how to heal the wounds of the war. Just come by my house. I will heal your wounds by the touch.
10:40 - Chris Matthews: I am a hologram! See my hair and listen to my words!
10:43 - Why does Pat Buchanan always look like he's trying to take a shit?
10:44 - This has been well worth it.

Acceptable Subway Behavior

1. Sitting
2. Sitting quietly
3. Sitting quietly without talking to me
4. Sitting quietly without talking to me or staring at me
5. Standing quietly without talking to me or staring at me

Unacceptable Subway Behavior

1. Eating or carrying onion-based food items
2. Nasal laughter or high-pitched squeals
3. Breakdancing in such a way as to make me believe that I am about to get kicked in the face
4. Angry scowling, pacing, growling or shouting or any behavior that reminds me of Lou Dobbs
5. Showing me photos you took of a squirrel eating corn

Live-blogging Bush's Speech Last Night on the Economy

9:00 - Bush on why 11 zeroes of corporate welfare dollars is a "good idea." Can't wait.
9:01 - Deer in headlights. Poor guy.
9:02 - Seriously, are his eyes made of glass?
9:03 - "How did our economy reach this point, you may ask? Homeownership and optimism and America being generally awesome and all the other countries being totally jealous of us are all to blame."
9:04 - In my opinion, his mispronunciation of the word "particularly" is "particularly" egregious.
9:06 - "I'm a strong believer of free market enterprise and deregulation. Um...but...yeah. Yep. Yeaaaaahhhhh." [Falls asleep with eyes open...]
9:08 - He's right, I AM worried about my farm.
9:09 - Is it just me? I don't really care if it's a "bi-partisan" bill. It just needs to work, yes? And I don't necessarily trust Douchey McCongressman over there in the cloakroom hottub smoking a pipe with a crew of bikini-clad Pharmaceutical reps to be on top of all this economic goulash.
9:11 - Oh wait, our taxpayers' dollars might actually get paid BACK? Or, might NOT? Well why didn't you say so! It sounds like gambling, and that sounds fun! I'm in.
9:12 - I went to Mohegan Sun once when I was in college. Had a couple white russians, looked at the fake stars on the ceiling, played some slots, almost bought a diamond(?) necklace out of a vending machine in the ladies' room. Broke even with my bucket of quarters and went home. So, cross that off life's to-do list.
9:13 - "We can't let regulation hamper the economy's ability to grow?" I'm sorry, what was this speech about again? Oh right, the biggest economic crisis since the Great Depression, which was directly caused by rampant corruption that DEregulation allowed. Cool. I forgot for a second.
9:14 - I wonder if people really did wear barrels w/ suspenders during the Depression. Sounds supremely uncomfortable, more so than wearing rags, or paper bags or something. I mean, doesn't it get in the way of your arms, which you would need for, like, fishing for tires in the East River, carrying a bindle, etc?
9:15 - Well at least that was short. Is Project Runway on? YESSSssssss.....

Rush Transcript of the House Financial Services Committee Hearing with Paulson and Bernanke

CHAIRMAN OF THE FEDERAL RESERVE BEN BERNANKE: Keep in mind that I have a background in academic theory...not Wall Street experience per se.

REP. BARNEY FRANK (D-MA): You know what? This is retarded. I'm out.

[Meeting adjourns.]

Rush Transcript of the Senate Banking Committee Hearing with Paulson and Bernanke

SEN. CHRIS DODD (D-CT): "Secretary Paulson, I've looked over your proposal. It is stunning and unprecedented in both its scope and lack of detail."

TREASURY SECRETARY HENRY PAULSON: La la la I can't hear you! Right, guys? Ha.

DODD: "...and it would allow this secretary and his successors to act with utter and absolute impunity, without review by any agency or a court of law."

PAULSON: Can we fire Chris Cox? Where is that guy? I wanna donkey-punch him.

SEC CHAIRMAN CHRISTOPHER COX: I'm sitting right next to you.

PAULSON: Burn!

DODD: "...after reading this proposal, I can only conclude that it is not our economy that is at risk, but our Constitution as well."

PAULSON: Hey Ben, turn off your iPod. Are you listening?

FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE: [takes off headphones and puts down huge bowl of ice cream] Wha?

SEN. RICHARD SHELBY (R-AL): "What troubles me most is that we have been given no credible assurances that this plan will work. We could very well spend $700 billion or a trillion and not resolve the crisis!"

PAULSON: You know what? I think it'll be fun either way? And like, we'll all learn something?

SEN. MICHAEL ENZI (R-Wyo.): "This bailout will cost every man, woman and child in America $2,300."

PAULSON: That's how much my new coffeemaker cost!

DODD: "It angers me to think about the authors of this calamity walking away with golden parachutes while taxpayers pick up the bill."

PAULSON: You don't think I'm angry? I'm really angry! When I left Goldman Sachs I had over $600 million in stock options and now they are worthless!

COX: Didn't you have to get rid of those because of the conflict of interest?

PAULSON: The what of who? Uh, unclear.

BERNANKE: How many zeroes is in a million and a billion?

PAULSON: That's the thing...no one really knows!

SHELBY: "Wasn't it Alan Greenspan who said that the rate of borrowing in the American economy and the high percentage of income that Americans were spending on their homes posed a relatively small risk to the mortgage market?"

PAULSON: Greenspan? He's not real. He's been digital since '87.

COX: Can I just say something? If we don't make some progress here, we'll all be paying like $400 for a loaf of bread next week.

SHELBY: We will not be rushed through this process by scare tactics!

COX: OK. But just so you know, if the dollar sinks below $0.50 against the Euro, all the buses in Los Angeles will explode.

[Loud banging on the door]

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY: Let me in! Let me into Congress! Graaaaarrrr!

SHELBY: Just ignore him, he'll tire himself out and then we'll put him to bed.

PAULSON: That's not what you said last night!

SHELBY: I'm sorry?

PAULSON: I accept your apology.

SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER (D-NY): HOW DARE YOU, SIR.

[Meeting adjourns]

[posted today on 23/6]

To-Do: Animal Hybrids

1. Iguana-Cat
2. Vulture-Sloth
3. Snake-Walrus
4. Horse-Bear
5. Worm-Deer
6. Rabbit-Fish
7. Parrot-Badger
8. Goat-Monkey
9. Goat-Bird
10. Goat-Whale

[thanks to Evan for car-trip brainstorming]

Ex-Squeeze You

I worked on WNYC's program "Soundcheck" again yesterday, producing this segment with one of the dudes from the 80's Britpop band Squeeze. If you're like me, you may think you've never heard of them before. But trust me, if you have ever seen a commercial for Gap, Burger King, Heineken, Dentyne, or been to a karaoke bar, or regular bar, or even so much as walked past a radio ever in your life, then you have. Listen to the song coming in to the segment and groan along with the rest of us.

The guest, Chris Difford, also played in the studio, and he picked a song called "Fat as a Fiddle," which has really funny lyrics about how he can't put on his socks anymore, and it's the lead single off of his new solo album called The Last Temptation of Chris, which I think is even funnier.

Where Am I and What Is My Name Please

[pic courtesy of LA Times]

Stumped.

Man: I don't understand this whole economy thing. Can you explain to me the economy?
Me: I don't even understand the new Facebook.

Things I Hope My Doctor Says To Me At My Checkup Today

by JAKE GOLDMAN, guest blogger

1. Ok, so you have fourteen eyes all around your body.
2. Well, if you run fast enough, you should be able to fly.
3. Here's the even BETTER news...!
4. It appears that you've swallowed a train.
5. You have "Mega-Man's" Disease. You'll be able to shoot little pellets out of your hands now. I'm so sorry.
6. We figured what that cough is...it's your INNER PARTY ANIMAL TRYING TO GET OUT
7. The only side-effect is that you'll pee out your fingers.
8. You only have one month to live. And then after that you'll become wizard-like and live forever.
9. I have no idea what you have but hey, did you see this cool trick I can do on a yo-yo?
10. You are a failure.

[Read more of Jake's stuff here and also here.]

Overheard at the Office, cont'd

IV.)
Man on Phone: Okay, well, you should just know, going forward, that I have a hostility to semicolons.

Overheard at the Office

I.)
Man 1, to Computer: Jesus CHRIST! This isn't rocket science!
Man 2, to Printer: Oh, fuck you, printer. Seriously.

II.)
Man: Should I ask a girl out on a date that I have only talked to over email?
Me: Sure, why not.
Man: Yeah. You know what? I'm turning 30, I don't give a fuck anymore.

III.)
Woman 1: Cute shoes!
Woman 2: Thank you!.....Do they match my ulcers?
Woman 1: Hahahaha. Yeah.
Woman 2: Everything goes great with blood!!!
[walks away]
[silence]

[These are real.]

Best Ways to Say Yes

1. Sure
2. Well yeah
3. Ok
4. True
5. Correctomundo
6. Negative No
7. Opposite of wrong
8. Inverse incorrect
9. Mirror-image not
10. Positively upside-down false

[thanks to Chris]

Best Google Image Search Terms

1. Cartoon crow
2. Birthday crying
3. Free clip art
4. Panda backpack
5. Fire hula hoop
6. Angry cat bath
7. Nebula light explosion
8. Crab face
9. Submarine cross-section
10. Grumpy old man

Best Places to Hide a Thing

1. Secret pocket
2. Mouth
3. Shoes
4. In fist, while holding a magic wand
5. Subconscious brain
6. LED Display
7. Say it backwards in a Beatles song
8. Pickle jar if you are around people who don't like pickles
9. MTA Brooklyn Bus Map footnotes
10. Deep pit in yard of enemy's childhood home

Fall TV Show Pitches

by W. GAVIN ROBB, guest blogger

1. Family that lives in a wind tunnel

2. Antiques Road Show meets the Hell's Angels

3. Saved By The Bell + Guy Who's Always Screaming

4. Crime show where head detective is a T-Rex

5. Spin the Wheel, Punch the Pope!

6. Band of Brothers: Unicorn Squad

7. Real World: Hot Air Balloon

8. Dawn of the Dead Drunk

9. Superman gets Lupus

10. CSI: Miami

Grossest Jelly Belly Flavors

1. Copper Penny
2. Cream of Tartar
3. 9 Volt Battery
4. Yarn Ball
5. Steel Wool
6. Ground Beef
7. Moldy Book
8. Salt
9. Shampoo
10. Fish Tank

[thanks to brainstormers Evan, Robie, Kate, Isaac]

Headlines I Want to See After McCain's Speech

by MICHAEL KROLL, guest blogger

1. IT'S ARTIFICIAL-HIP TO BE SQUARE
2. SOLITARY DEFINEMENT!
3. STAND UP!...SLOWLY

The Waterpipe Theater Podcast #2

Episode 2 of the radio drama that I record and edit for WESU 88.1 FM is up now, and this time it's an old-fashioned murder mystery that takes place on a film soundstage. My favorite aspect of this episode: the excellent Hollywood accents. The tagline: "Someone in this room is NOT a murderer!"

Listen here to Episode 2, "Sandbagged." (Previous episode here.)

Headlines I Want to See During RNC Week

by MICHAEL KROLL, guest blogger

1. HURRICANE RAINS ON MCCAIN'S PARADE
2. JOE BLOWS MCCAIN'S CAUCUS
3. HATE TALK SEXPRESS

4. SOUR MILF

5. HALF-BAKED ALASKAN

6. ALASKAN GRIPELINE
7. Prisoners Of Wow! / Princess Of Wow! / P.O.W.owsers! (Caption: Palin's Wo-Manifesto Takes RNC Prisoner)

8. N.H.L - NO HEAD LICKING (Caption: Hockey Mom Gets Penalty for Unsportsmanlike Grooming)

9. ALASKAN 'RIPE'-LINE (Caption: Palin Brings Filthy Family to RNC)

10. BABYHEADGATE

Overheard on 14th Street

Mother: "And what if you were an AIRPLANE?"
Small Girl: "Noooo! Stop it!"

Lies I've Heard at the Republican Convention (So Far)

1. "After 8 years, I know what it takes to be president"
2. His "beautiful wife" Cindy
3. "Fully qualified"
4. From the "great state" of Alaska
5. "So he called for more troops, and now we're winning"
6. "A man who never quits is never defeated"
7. An increasingly belligerent "Russia"
8. "Senator" Fred Thompson
9. "American" flags
10. "Freedoms"


[Posted today on 23/6]

Things I Should Really Know How To Do At My Age

1. Remove an ice cube from the ice cube tray without dropping all of them on the floor

Names Game!

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

Pick which 5 of the following 10 names belong to Republican VP pick Sarah Palin's children! If you get all 5 correct without looking them up, you win a visit from our newest site sponsor, a trailer truck of Oreo cookies!

Bristol
Trig
Opus
Willow
Flimm
Piper
Grout
Track
Rose
Gary

Update: Correct answers are Bristol, Trig, Willow, Piper, and Track. But it looks like there's gonna be another Palin baby soon, so these names are still in play...my vote is for Grout. (ed)

How I'm Celebrating Michael Jackson's 50th Birthday

1. Shopping for tuxedo jackets and pajama pants
2. Climbing a tree in Central Park; buying it (the park)
3. Writing a sweet, sad song of betrayal entitled "Martin Bashir"
4. Giving birth to some kids that are biologically unrelated to me
5. Dressing up as an Egyptian princess and then dissolving into a pile of sand
6. Buying out the theater for "Peter Pan" on Broadway; taking all my bodyguards to see it
7. Moonwalking on a ferris wheel with my pet giraffe while twirling a parasol and singing nursery rhymes
8. Installing a combination Ms. Pac-Man/Sno-Cone Machine in every room I enter, all day
9. Listening to Off the Wall again and feeling bad about writing this list
10. Taking a look at the man in the mirror


[Posted today on The Huffington Post.]

Overheard on the Radio

Caller: Gas prices keep going up, it's like crazy, so what I do is, I shop around for the cheapest gas, in my case it's a Sunoco in the next town over, and I buy a $100 gas card, and so then no matter where I go, I use that!

Host: But...you're still paying $100 no matter what.

Caller: [...]

Host: If the price of gas goes up or down, you'll just get either more or less gas for your money. Paying in advance doesn't really do anything.

Caller: No, cuz like, I only pay, uh...

Host: No, because...see...

Caller: uh.....

[click]

[dial tone]

Treehouse Requirements

by EVAN SIMKO-BEDNARSKI, guest blogger

1. Bricked-in wine cellar
2. Rope elevator
3. Fireplace & chimney
4. Steam and/or gears
5. Calvin Johnson
6. Monkey, monkey bridges
7. Gunwales
8. Common law
9. Maths
10. Friends!!

Historical Figures I Most Identify With

1. J. Edgar Hoover
2. Cleopatra
3. Trotsky
4. Julia Child
5. Wolf Blitzer
6. Mozart
7. Jose Cuervo
8. Jane Eyre
9. Lewis (NOT Clark)
10. Michael Phelps

Top 5 Recent Dreams

by EMILIJA GUOBYTE, guest blogger

1. Digging for shoes in a sandstorm
2. Living in a tree-village
3. Raccoon-rat is my baby
4. I am Batman / cave-diving
5. My essay is due and my professor is John McCain

The only time in history that vomit was not funny.

My posts have been sparse this week because I've had tons of work things to do, er, trees to saw.... I wanted to share with you one of those work things, which was my first freelance gig for WNYC. I produced the first half of yesterday's episode of "Soundcheck," scripting an interview with the author of an excellent Jimi Hendrix biography who presented new evidence that Hendrix did not die of an accidental overdose, but was, in fact, 'murdered...by wine'.

Intrigued? You can listen to the show here -- complete with righteous tunes that I very much enjoyed picking out.

Overheard in a Starbucks off of Route 95

Tall Man: Madam, take dictation, please! Ahem. Dear Starbucks, it has come to my attention and concern that you no longer have in your repertoire those little sensual chocolate-covered graham crackers. These crackers have punctuated many a road trip, alcohol-infused late-night bender and love affair with the sweet sense of belonging that only a well-balanced dessert can bring. It is thus as your faithful consumer that I implore you to resume the sale of this spiritually-fulfilling snack. Most sincerely, Evan Michael Simko-Bednarski Esquire the First. Now, read that back to me please.

Movies I Could Have Made, If I Had Wanted To

by CHRIS ROSEN, guest blogger

1. Transformers
2. Brideshead Revisited
3. Weekend at Bernie's 2
4. any Ice Cube movie
5. My Left Foot
6. Cloverfield
7. Juno
8. Rashoman
9. Mulan
10. Good Will Hunting

Read more of Chris' stuff here.
Have a contribution? Email me...

Overheard in the Coffeeshop Where I Like to Work Quietly

Large Man: What the fuck! It's fucking hot as fuck in this fucking place!
Me: [...]
Large Man: Fuck! Why isn't my internet fucking...fuck!!
Me: [...]
Large Man: FUCKing...e-mail.

McCain's Mispronouncers

Senator McCain got a lot of flack Monday for his speech in which he mispronounced the name of the President of Georgia several times, and stumbled over words like "hostility," "sovereignty," and "Asia." It's hard to keep track of all of McCain's mispronunciations, so here's a handy phonetic guide to the actual names and places, and McCain's recent mangling of them!

Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili --> Michael Shishkavooney
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin --> Valdemore Pooptin
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev --> Deemartire Madayvbiv
Russia --> Rishur
Georgia --> George's
Ossetia --> Hoss-tits-yeah
Abkhazia --> A-badz-kenya
Ukraine --> Oohkream
Caucasus --> Coccyxus
Gori --> Gooey
UN --> un
NATO --> Neato
The Baku-Tblisi-Ceyhan Oil Pipeline --> [Just grins uncomfortably and then tells a dirty joke about his wife.]

Posted today on 23/6

To-Do: Lists To Do

1. Categories of Local News B-Roll I Do Not Want to Be Featured In
2. New Holidays
3. New Insults
4. Best Puns Using the Word 'Face'
5. Worst Barns
6. Food Combinations to Try
7. Equestrian "Dont's"
8. Barbie Outfits I Wish Existed
9. Words That Remind Me of the Future
10. Multi-national trillion-dollar corporations I plan on taking down, one by one, with the sheer force of my personality

Best Times/Places to Wear a Coonskin Cap

1. Church
2. Bed
3. While filled with regret
4. While also wearing a coonskin onesie
5. Job interview at Forbes.com
6. L.A.
7. Your kids' piano recital
8. The Internet
9. Nude beach
10. Always O'Clock

[Thanks to reader Dan for the suggestion of this list category. Have an idea for a list? Let me know...]

Site Sponsor #2

Dear Supercuts,

Please sponsor my blog. Your hair salons regularly provide me with not-that-bad haircuts for under $20, and I never have to wait in line because no other woman in New York City seems to trust you with their heads (of hair). Your hairstylists are polite, but do not make unnecessary small talk, and they never remain employed with you for very long, thus making my anxiety of having to choose between them moot, for every time I arrive it's a spanking new staff of brusquely competent coiffers. Your website also reinforces for me that I am "smarter than average" for choosing you for my haircut needs. Wow, brand new bangs and a blowdry AND a boost of self-confidence? Yes, please!

As my bonafide site sponsor you may send your support in the form of the three remaining stamps that I need to complete my "Get 8 haircuts and your 9th is free!!" card. Alternately, you may send a gift-card, which your website teases with the challenge to "Give the gift of looking hot." I'll say! Thanks, Supercuts!

Best regards,
Lonesome Lumberjack

Best Ways to Change the Subject When a Conversation is Not Going Well

1. Spontaneous weeping/howling/radio sound effects combo
2. "I just remembered that I have to BUY CEREAL!!!"
3. Cat imitations
4. "I'm sorry, I don't know who you are, or where I am, or what my name is. Bye!"
5. Make a gesture towards a hug with the other person, then pick them up, fireman's-carry them to a lake and drop them in it
6. Ask to borrow the other person's chapstick, swallow it, go straight to the hospital
7. Triple-spring backflip (into traffic)
8. Take a 100-dollar bill out of your wallet, point to Ben Franklin, say "That's my Dad", light it on fire
9. C+C Music Factory?
10. "That reminds me of something funny my car said yesterday..."

You Make Me Wanna Shout

I was just looking for clips of my radio work to pitch a freelance piece, and I found this link to my entry into the Public Radio Talent Quest, in which I do my best NPR impression and interview my friend Jake about a humiliating pre-teen experience at a Bar Mitzvah. With music by Arizona. What's not to love? (I did not win.)

Mailbag #3

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Can you help my kid get into college?

Thanks,

Desperate Dad


Dear Desperate,

Whee!!! Absolutely!?

To-Do: Theme Parties I Want to Throw

1. Upside-Down Drinks Party
2. Old Navy! Sale! Party
3. Only One Person Allowed in Each Room Party
4. Bring a Harlem Globetrotter Party
5. Make a Face Like Your Upper Lip is Missing Party
6. Help Me Do My Taxes Party
7. Champagne N' Pancakes
8. Use Every Part of the Wooly Mammoth Party
9. Cheez-Its Everywhere?
10. Drink and Say Things You Don't Mean to the Ones You Love Party

C Train Highlight

Let's get a close-up of that...

2008 New Years' Resolutions I Have Not Followed Through On

1. Be taller
2. Stop buying so many pens
3. Ford a river
4. Apologize to Baltimore
5. Learn the internet
6. Wolf-eagle hybrids?
7. Get one of those jobs that pays you in money
8. No more mosquitoes
9. Olympic luge (if there's time)
10. Get groceries

Sixth Avenue Highlight

Finally, someone had the courage to tell me.

Overheard at the Museum of Modern Art

Woman: Have you ever been to Tijuana?
Man: No.
Woman: Do you want to?
Man: No.

Funniest Words

1. Face
2. Sandwich
3. Corn
4. Research
5. Vellum
6. Keenwhistle
7. Berntow
8. Grelfarb
9. Jackadoo
10. Tippitz

Favorite Sports

1. Blindfold LogThrow
2. Haircut Kickball (get or give one at each base)
3. Climbing on Cars
4. Lucid Dreams
5. Medicine-ball Dodgeball
6. Gatorade Drink
7. NYC Subway
8. Silent Treatment
9. Michelob ULTRA 2.6 Carbs
10. Lasik

Obama and McCain: Juxtaposers!

"On Monday, the Illinois senator was photographed in a helicopter touring Baghdad with Army Gen. David H. Petraeus, the U.S. military commander in Iraq...On Monday, the Arizona senator was seen on television riding in a golf cart with former President George H.W. Bush at Bush's oceanfront estate in Maine."

-- LAT, Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"The Iraqi government on Monday left little doubt that it favors a withdrawal plan for American combat troops similar to what Senator Barack Obama has proposed, providing Mr. Obama with a potentially powerful political boost on a day he spent in Iraq working to fortify his credibility as a wartime leader...In an interview on "Good Morning America" on ABC, Mr. McCain talked about securing the 'Iraq-Pakistan border.'"

-- NYT, Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"With Barack Obama in Berlin, John McCain visits German restaurant in Ohio....'I'd love to give a speech in Germany. But I'd much prefer to do it as president of the United States rather than as a candidate for president,' McCain told reporters after a meal of bratwurst."

-- The Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune, Thursday, July 24, 2008

"Obama's [Democratic National Convention] speech happens to be scheduled for Aug. 28, the 45th anniversary of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.'s 'I Have a Dream' speech. McCain's speech, on the other hand, will fall on Sept. 4, the opening night of the NFL season, which features a game between the Washington Redskins and the Super Bowl champion New York Giants."

-- WaPo, Thursday, July 24, 2008

"On Friday, Senator Obama carried several adorable babies in his capable arms as he strode across the surface of the Seine River in Paris without getting a drop of water on his effortlessly elegant white tuxedo, while Senator McCain gave a somewhat disappointing speech on how reading communist literature can cause Rickets, in his basement, to his mother, without putting in his teeth."

-- The Daily Newspaper of My Imagination, Friday, July 25, 2008

[cross-posted today at Huffington Post]

To-Do: Bands I Want to Be In

1. The Facial Hairs
2. Tapes N' Crepes
3. The Precious Precious Memories
4. Dr. Truxxx and the Grizzlebears
5. Open-Faced Sandwich
6. Rachel and the CoffeeShop Friends
7. Bumblebee Nutgraph
8. I DUnno? and the LOLs
9. We're All Writing Screenplays
10. Please Stop Shouting Heidi Klum

Mailbag #2

Hi folks - keep those letters coming! Here's the latest installment of the Lonesome Lumberjack advice column:

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

eggs
milk
bread
OJ
gummi bears
foot cream
more eggs

Dear eggs,

Well this one is a real gem! I get a LOT of mail, but this one stood right out in my stack because, well, it wasn't in an envelope, and it's written on the back of a side of a cereal box. So it's hard to figure out exactly what the problem is here, because it sounds like you're on the right track! Sometimes when you're not sure what course of action to take, it helps to make a list! In your case, seems like you've identified the problem (you're hungry, and you have some kind of foot problem [fungus?]) and you've also set about solving said problem(s). Go get those eggs! I could use some eggs, too, come to think of it. They are high in protein and versatile! I'm going to go make a list, right now. Wait, didn't I already make a list? Where's that list? I also need orange juice and bread.

To-Do: Museums I Want to Build

1. The Children's Museum of Shiny Pieces of Garbage
2. The New York Croatanical Museum
3. The Staples Center Gallery Sponsored by Grand Theft Auto IV
4. National Rainwater Museum
5. Painting in Space
6. El Museo de Que Haces
7. The Smithsonian (it would be different)
8. Words You Shouldn't Say
9. The Chesterton Society
10. Online Dating Profiles, the Museum

Mailbag

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

I am a happily married mother of two and a busy homemaker, and sometimes I just feel so busy! I am trying to figure out how to balance spending time with my daughters, Elaine and Eliza, making time for my wonderful husband Brad, and having quality time for myself. Any advice?

-Homemaker in Hope, Ark.

Dear Homemaker in Hope,

Wow, I can't tell you how common this problem is in this hustle-bustle world we live in nowadays! I would have to say that the most important thing is to decide which one you like best. If your kids are being annoying, then I say, fuck em. That Elaine sure is cute, but she's not so cute once she gets to the age where she's all like "waa take me to the mall and buy me prom dresses". And little Eliza, she can drive herself to soccer practice, right? She can almost reach the pedals probably. As for Brad, if he's being like "where are those finance receipts that I have to put into the spreadsheet for our household tax return season in April of this fiscal year? And also, how come we don't have any clean dishes because you haven't done them in like a month and they're all piled up everywhere, even in the dining room for god's sake", then, you know, hit the road, sister! Road trip! You have to find a balance. Sometimes you need a little "me" time. Or "you" time, whichever makes sense. What I'm saying is that it's a tough world out there these days, Homemaker, and sometimes, let's face it, most of the time, other people just get in the way. Go, girl! Don't forget your shades, because your future looks bright!

***

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

I'm having a party at my house. Is it too old-fashioned nowadays to send out invitations in the mail? Should I just call people on the telephone?

Clueless in Carson City

Dear Clueless,

These days, parties are usually publicized onLINE. In fact, almost everything is done online. You are reading THIS onLine, right now, in real time! In fact, I've just recently learned that you can read the newspaper on your computer?!?! So take out that word processor of yours and send out a bulk-mailing electronic letter! Make a homepage! I took the liberty of checking for you; the world wide web address TheresAPartyAtMyHouse/CarsonCity.com isn't taken yet! Better yet, why not make an Http virus - that will definitely give you the most exposure, and you might even make it into the police blotter section of your local newspaper. Go, girl!

To-Do: Books I Want To Write

1. Jugador, Por Favor: A Spanish Love Story
2. The Owl's Reverie
3. "Peg!": Married: With Children: A Critical Look
4. Fridge Repair for Dummies
5. MySpace for Losers
6. Where Did That Thing Go That I Was Just Holding in My Hand a Second Ago?: A Memoir
7. How to Lift Heavy Things
8. How Old Is My Tree?
9. How to Write a Multi-Volume Self-Help Book, Volume One
10. Time and Punishment: They Are One and the Same

Berlin Wall Highlight

This person is saying what we were all thinking. As they say in Germany, "finalmente!"

Overheard in New York

Woman: "Hey, look..."
Man: "Where?"
Woman: "Ssh...behind us."
Man: "What?"
Woman: "Is that girl writing down everything we are saying?"
Man: "Yes, yes I think that she is."

A New Advice Column

Hi folks, I'd like to introduce the Lonesome Lumberjack advice column, where you can write in and ask me anything, and I'll do my best to give some thoughtful feedback. I'm not a psychologist per se, but I do walk around in the forest and touch a lot of trees, so I think I know a thing or two! So keep those questions coming! Here's what I've gotten so far:

***

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Can I really ask you ANYTHING?

-Cautious in California, well, not really California, I mean I work there, and I'm writing this at work, but I actually live in southern Oregon, like right on the border in a lame little town called Calgary that only has a Walmart and a post office and two McDonald's, I mean why are there two?, but I use this address for tax purposes because of this loophole that I found out when i dated a corporate lawyer last year, who I didn't love but I used for his money, and I'm wondering if that's wrong, the tax thing, and also the fake relationship (my friend Annie called it an "imaginationship"! haha) because I was raised in a household that taught me and my little brother Joey to always tell the truth and I have a lot of guilt about the fact that I can't stop lying, but I also want to be myself and what if I just AM a liar?


Dear Cautious,

Yes! You can!

Site Sponsor

Dear White Rock Seltzer, Please sponsor my blog. Your product is deliciously flavorful and crisp and contains zero calories. It is my favorite thing to drink, no matter the weather or time of day. Your website helpfully explains the significance of the delightful pixie that adorns your lovely labels, thusly: "Psyche, White Rock’s symbol of purity, captures the spirit of this sparkling, refreshing drink." I'll say! I know that I chop down trees at a significantly faster pace, and with more flourish, when I've got a raspberry-flavored liter in the pocket of my overalls. Thanks, White Rock! You may send your support in the form of several cases (refrigerated, please) of your effervescent carbonated beverage. Best regards, The Lonesome Lumberjack.

The Waterpipe Theater Podcast #1

Here's the link to a radio drama that I recorded and edited, called The League of Righteousness. Superheroes in love? In space? Yes please.

These very excellent Waterpipe Theater dramas are broadcast on the first Sunday of every month on my alma mater radio station, WESU 88.1 FM in Middletown, CT. Next episode: a murder mystery that takes place in a locked theater soundstage.

My 23/6 posts

July 10: More Realistic G8 Solutions

April 16: Alberto Gonzales' Cover Letter

March 11: Recommended RNC Websites

March 5: How Huckabee Will Spend His Time Now That He's Dropped Out of the Race

February 13: What You'll Find in Karl Rove's Dressing Room

January 31: Giuliani Live Blogs the Republican Debate

January 24: Courting Florida's FredHeads

January 22: Cable News Networks Get Desperate

January 18: More Meat - Always a Good Idea

For further reading

(Optional extra credit)

SamSederShow.com, the website for a talk show that I used to produce at Air America Radio, Seder on Sundays. It got me writing on politics during this past primary season: on Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama stuff, ridiculous email-fwd propaganda stuff, polling discrepancies during the primaries, and how the corporate media is seriously incapable of hosting a presidential debate without making me want to throw my television out the window.

The Modern Humorist, an excellent news satire website based in Brooklyn, NY, where I interned during the summer of 2000. Now defunct. (Probably) not my fault. I also contributed to this book that they put out.

The Wesleyan Argus. I used to do cartoons and write rock music reviews. I was going to link to some things, but the online archives are not easily searchable by name. What is this, the 90s? So...just imagine lots of flowery language describing Jack White's percussive guitar, and also some drawings of washing machines talking to each other.