Presidential Chessboard: the Republicans

KING: Ronald Reagan

QUEEN: Richard Nixon

KNIGHTS:
Andrew Jackson
John Adams

BISHOPS:
George W. Bush
Herbert Hoover

ROOKS:
Ulysses Grant
Calvin Coolidge

PAWNS:
Dwight Eisenhower
Gerald Ford
Andrew Johnson
Theodore Roosevelt
Warren Harding
John Tyler
Martin Van Buren
Rutherford Hayes

Presidential Chessboard: the Democrats

KING: Franklin D. Roosevelt

QUEEN: John F. Kennedy

KNIGHTS:
Abraham Lincoln
Thomas Jefferson

BISHOPS:
Bill Clinton
Jimmy Carter

ROOKS:
George Washington
James Madison

PAWNS:
Harry Truman
Woodrow Wilson
Grover Cleveland
John Quincy Adams
James Monroe
Lyndon Johnson
Zachary Taylor
James Buchanan

(They don't pay us anything)

Shockingly, the liveblog that Jake and I wrote on Friday also got posted on 23/6 here on Saturday. With a brand new duo bio pic! Hey-oo.

Live-blogging the First Presidential Debate

by JAKE GOLDMAN and me.

9:04 - OH MY GOD I am so excited!
9:05 - Obama's eyebrows are exciting.
9:08 - Who the fuck picked out McCain's tie? Japanese Anime Animators? Am I right here?
9:09 - "This is the end of the beginning" Finally! We can get to the middle! I love the middle! That's where all the crazy shit happens! Fuck the end!
9:12 - I think by the end of the night, Jim Lehrer is going to get McCain to sit on Obama's lap.
9:15 - "I've got a pen--" What will McCain bring out next of his fantastic prop-bag?! "I have tap-dancing shoes. See? And I'm going to tap dance all over regulation. Or is it de-regulation. Hey! Where's my chips? Oh. There they are. I've got chips--"
9:17 - Obama just said "fill up on this gas," as it were the first time he's ever heard of the concept of gas.
9:19 - Fun fact I just learned: Barack Obama is a woman? (He won miss congeniality?)
9:21 - Holy shit, Obama just looked terrifying when he asked Lehrer if he could respond. Guys, do you think he carries knives?
9:23 - This is a classic example of talkin' the talk, and walkin' the walk. Also of singin' the song, drummin on drums, eatin' the food, and puttin on socks.
9:25 - Oil companies would get an additional 4 billion dollars of tax cuts under McCain's plan? Sounds good to me! They've been working so hard they deserve a break. A break big enough to buy 18 jets.
9:26 - Every time McCain laughs, I have flashbacks to the Halloween of 1989 when my cousin Steve set fire to my jack-o-lantern. Terrifying. Still have nightmares. Would rather not talk about it.
9:27 - Obama = Flag pin. McCain = no flag pin. COUNTRY FIRST? MORE LIKE, WARDROBE FIRST!!!! LADIES?
9:36 - "I want the families to make the decisions between the doctors and diseases." Yup! Sounds about right.
9:38 - Obama: "Your president presided over an orgy of spending." Hey-o!!! Obama has got SOME kind of wild party planned in Oxford after this.
9:41 - I'm sorry folks. Let's get real here for a second: $600 billion. 4,000 lives lost. And this other guy over here is talking about "victory."
9:42 - Hey guys-- hey guys! If you get elected president, you don't have to deal with Iraq anymore. That shit already happened. So all you guys sitting around going "Man , I don't know if I want to be president...all that war stuff...what do I do????" Worry no more! The next president won't have to question anything! LET'S GO AMERICA!
9:47 - Obama's gonna get tired of talking, interrupting McCain every other word to correct every single douchey lie that jack-o-lantern tells.
9:48 - Lehrer: "Afghanistan. What is it. Discuss."
10:00 - "Hey! We both wear bracelets!"
10:02 - Join the Al-Qaeda Columbia House today! For just 15 cents you'll get a video each week. (costs more for beheadings)
10:03 - "Listen, I've been to anyplace that has the word 'stan' in it. Those are all dangerous places, ok? I was also tortured."
10:06 - Obama's centrifuge research is unmatched.
10:10 - Can anyone tell me what the fuck these "pre-conditions" are? Hands behind back? No skateboards? Knives are cool if they are blunt? No cheese on omelettes? All ham party? I hope it's an all ham party.
10:20 - I looked into Putin's eyes and saw a K, a G and a B. And a lemon. And a cherry. And a bunch of sevens. And then I saw this wild boar eat a cement building. Hey, can we take a break? I ate some bad veal.
10:23 - Seriously though, McCain does look like a jack-o-lantern. Guys. It's sad.
10:24 - On energy, let's all think, WWTBPD? what would T. Boone Pickens do?!
10:30 - McCain: You guys-- Obama's dumb, ok?
10:35 - McCain: I can keep Americans safe. I am America's Grandpa!
10:36 - McCain: I don't need on-the-job-training. I know how to cook a hamburger, ok? Ok. Let me just...know, I can handle this I can...just shh...you use a lot of oil...whaaa..whoooaaaaa...WHAAAAAAA. Well. I've lost a hand.
10:37 - McCain: I know how to heal the wounds of the war. Just come by my house. I will heal your wounds by the touch.
10:40 - Chris Matthews: I am a hologram! See my hair and listen to my words!
10:43 - Why does Pat Buchanan always look like he's trying to take a shit?
10:44 - This has been well worth it.

Acceptable Subway Behavior

1. Sitting
2. Sitting quietly
3. Sitting quietly without talking to me
4. Sitting quietly without talking to me or staring at me
5. Standing quietly without talking to me or staring at me

Unacceptable Subway Behavior

1. Eating or carrying onion-based food items
2. Nasal laughter or high-pitched squeals
3. Breakdancing in such a way as to make me believe that I am about to get kicked in the face
4. Angry scowling, pacing, growling or shouting or any behavior that reminds me of Lou Dobbs
5. Showing me photos you took of a squirrel eating corn

Live-blogging Bush's Speech Last Night on the Economy

9:00 - Bush on why 11 zeroes of corporate welfare dollars is a "good idea." Can't wait.
9:01 - Deer in headlights. Poor guy.
9:02 - Seriously, are his eyes made of glass?
9:03 - "How did our economy reach this point, you may ask? Homeownership and optimism and America being generally awesome and all the other countries being totally jealous of us are all to blame."
9:04 - In my opinion, his mispronunciation of the word "particularly" is "particularly" egregious.
9:06 - "I'm a strong believer of free market enterprise and deregulation. Um...but...yeah. Yep. Yeaaaaahhhhh." [Falls asleep with eyes open...]
9:08 - He's right, I AM worried about my farm.
9:09 - Is it just me? I don't really care if it's a "bi-partisan" bill. It just needs to work, yes? And I don't necessarily trust Douchey McCongressman over there in the cloakroom hottub smoking a pipe with a crew of bikini-clad Pharmaceutical reps to be on top of all this economic goulash.
9:11 - Oh wait, our taxpayers' dollars might actually get paid BACK? Or, might NOT? Well why didn't you say so! It sounds like gambling, and that sounds fun! I'm in.
9:12 - I went to Mohegan Sun once when I was in college. Had a couple white russians, looked at the fake stars on the ceiling, played some slots, almost bought a diamond(?) necklace out of a vending machine in the ladies' room. Broke even with my bucket of quarters and went home. So, cross that off life's to-do list.
9:13 - "We can't let regulation hamper the economy's ability to grow?" I'm sorry, what was this speech about again? Oh right, the biggest economic crisis since the Great Depression, which was directly caused by rampant corruption that DEregulation allowed. Cool. I forgot for a second.
9:14 - I wonder if people really did wear barrels w/ suspenders during the Depression. Sounds supremely uncomfortable, more so than wearing rags, or paper bags or something. I mean, doesn't it get in the way of your arms, which you would need for, like, fishing for tires in the East River, carrying a bindle, etc?
9:15 - Well at least that was short. Is Project Runway on? YESSSssssss.....

Rush Transcript of the House Financial Services Committee Hearing with Paulson and Bernanke

CHAIRMAN OF THE FEDERAL RESERVE BEN BERNANKE: Keep in mind that I have a background in academic theory...not Wall Street experience per se.

REP. BARNEY FRANK (D-MA): You know what? This is retarded. I'm out.

[Meeting adjourns.]

Rush Transcript of the Senate Banking Committee Hearing with Paulson and Bernanke

SEN. CHRIS DODD (D-CT): "Secretary Paulson, I've looked over your proposal. It is stunning and unprecedented in both its scope and lack of detail."

TREASURY SECRETARY HENRY PAULSON: La la la I can't hear you! Right, guys? Ha.

DODD: "...and it would allow this secretary and his successors to act with utter and absolute impunity, without review by any agency or a court of law."

PAULSON: Can we fire Chris Cox? Where is that guy? I wanna donkey-punch him.

SEC CHAIRMAN CHRISTOPHER COX: I'm sitting right next to you.

PAULSON: Burn!

DODD: "...after reading this proposal, I can only conclude that it is not our economy that is at risk, but our Constitution as well."

PAULSON: Hey Ben, turn off your iPod. Are you listening?

FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE: [takes off headphones and puts down huge bowl of ice cream] Wha?

SEN. RICHARD SHELBY (R-AL): "What troubles me most is that we have been given no credible assurances that this plan will work. We could very well spend $700 billion or a trillion and not resolve the crisis!"

PAULSON: You know what? I think it'll be fun either way? And like, we'll all learn something?

SEN. MICHAEL ENZI (R-Wyo.): "This bailout will cost every man, woman and child in America $2,300."

PAULSON: That's how much my new coffeemaker cost!

DODD: "It angers me to think about the authors of this calamity walking away with golden parachutes while taxpayers pick up the bill."

PAULSON: You don't think I'm angry? I'm really angry! When I left Goldman Sachs I had over $600 million in stock options and now they are worthless!

COX: Didn't you have to get rid of those because of the conflict of interest?

PAULSON: The what of who? Uh, unclear.

BERNANKE: How many zeroes is in a million and a billion?

PAULSON: That's the thing...no one really knows!

SHELBY: "Wasn't it Alan Greenspan who said that the rate of borrowing in the American economy and the high percentage of income that Americans were spending on their homes posed a relatively small risk to the mortgage market?"

PAULSON: Greenspan? He's not real. He's been digital since '87.

COX: Can I just say something? If we don't make some progress here, we'll all be paying like $400 for a loaf of bread next week.

SHELBY: We will not be rushed through this process by scare tactics!

COX: OK. But just so you know, if the dollar sinks below $0.50 against the Euro, all the buses in Los Angeles will explode.

[Loud banging on the door]

VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY: Let me in! Let me into Congress! Graaaaarrrr!

SHELBY: Just ignore him, he'll tire himself out and then we'll put him to bed.

PAULSON: That's not what you said last night!

SHELBY: I'm sorry?

PAULSON: I accept your apology.

SEN. CHUCK SCHUMER (D-NY): HOW DARE YOU, SIR.

[Meeting adjourns]

[posted today on 23/6]

To-Do: Animal Hybrids

1. Iguana-Cat
2. Vulture-Sloth
3. Snake-Walrus
4. Horse-Bear
5. Worm-Deer
6. Rabbit-Fish
7. Parrot-Badger
8. Goat-Monkey
9. Goat-Bird
10. Goat-Whale

[thanks to Evan for car-trip brainstorming]

Ex-Squeeze You

I worked on WNYC's program "Soundcheck" again yesterday, producing this segment with one of the dudes from the 80's Britpop band Squeeze. If you're like me, you may think you've never heard of them before. But trust me, if you have ever seen a commercial for Gap, Burger King, Heineken, Dentyne, or been to a karaoke bar, or regular bar, or even so much as walked past a radio ever in your life, then you have. Listen to the song coming in to the segment and groan along with the rest of us.

The guest, Chris Difford, also played in the studio, and he picked a song called "Fat as a Fiddle," which has really funny lyrics about how he can't put on his socks anymore, and it's the lead single off of his new solo album called The Last Temptation of Chris, which I think is even funnier.

Where Am I and What Is My Name Please

[pic courtesy of LA Times]

Stumped.

Man: I don't understand this whole economy thing. Can you explain to me the economy?
Me: I don't even understand the new Facebook.

Things I Hope My Doctor Says To Me At My Checkup Today

by JAKE GOLDMAN, guest blogger

1. Ok, so you have fourteen eyes all around your body.
2. Well, if you run fast enough, you should be able to fly.
3. Here's the even BETTER news...!
4. It appears that you've swallowed a train.
5. You have "Mega-Man's" Disease. You'll be able to shoot little pellets out of your hands now. I'm so sorry.
6. We figured what that cough is...it's your INNER PARTY ANIMAL TRYING TO GET OUT
7. The only side-effect is that you'll pee out your fingers.
8. You only have one month to live. And then after that you'll become wizard-like and live forever.
9. I have no idea what you have but hey, did you see this cool trick I can do on a yo-yo?
10. You are a failure.

[Read more of Jake's stuff here and also here.]

Overheard at the Office, cont'd

IV.)
Man on Phone: Okay, well, you should just know, going forward, that I have a hostility to semicolons.

Overheard at the Office

I.)
Man 1, to Computer: Jesus CHRIST! This isn't rocket science!
Man 2, to Printer: Oh, fuck you, printer. Seriously.

II.)
Man: Should I ask a girl out on a date that I have only talked to over email?
Me: Sure, why not.
Man: Yeah. You know what? I'm turning 30, I don't give a fuck anymore.

III.)
Woman 1: Cute shoes!
Woman 2: Thank you!.....Do they match my ulcers?
Woman 1: Hahahaha. Yeah.
Woman 2: Everything goes great with blood!!!
[walks away]
[silence]

[These are real.]

Best Ways to Say Yes

1. Sure
2. Well yeah
3. Ok
4. True
5. Correctomundo
6. Negative No
7. Opposite of wrong
8. Inverse incorrect
9. Mirror-image not
10. Positively upside-down false

[thanks to Chris]

Best Google Image Search Terms

1. Cartoon crow
2. Birthday crying
3. Free clip art
4. Panda backpack
5. Fire hula hoop
6. Angry cat bath
7. Nebula light explosion
8. Crab face
9. Submarine cross-section
10. Grumpy old man

Best Places to Hide a Thing

1. Secret pocket
2. Mouth
3. Shoes
4. In fist, while holding a magic wand
5. Subconscious brain
6. LED Display
7. Say it backwards in a Beatles song
8. Pickle jar if you are around people who don't like pickles
9. MTA Brooklyn Bus Map footnotes
10. Deep pit in yard of enemy's childhood home

Fall TV Show Pitches

by W. GAVIN ROBB, guest blogger

1. Family that lives in a wind tunnel

2. Antiques Road Show meets the Hell's Angels

3. Saved By The Bell + Guy Who's Always Screaming

4. Crime show where head detective is a T-Rex

5. Spin the Wheel, Punch the Pope!

6. Band of Brothers: Unicorn Squad

7. Real World: Hot Air Balloon

8. Dawn of the Dead Drunk

9. Superman gets Lupus

10. CSI: Miami

Grossest Jelly Belly Flavors

1. Copper Penny
2. Cream of Tartar
3. 9 Volt Battery
4. Yarn Ball
5. Steel Wool
6. Ground Beef
7. Moldy Book
8. Salt
9. Shampoo
10. Fish Tank

[thanks to brainstormers Evan, Robie, Kate, Isaac]

Headlines I Want to See After McCain's Speech

by MICHAEL KROLL, guest blogger

1. IT'S ARTIFICIAL-HIP TO BE SQUARE
2. SOLITARY DEFINEMENT!
3. STAND UP!...SLOWLY

The Waterpipe Theater Podcast #2

Episode 2 of the radio drama that I record and edit for WESU 88.1 FM is up now, and this time it's an old-fashioned murder mystery that takes place on a film soundstage. My favorite aspect of this episode: the excellent Hollywood accents. The tagline: "Someone in this room is NOT a murderer!"

Listen here to Episode 2, "Sandbagged." (Previous episode here.)

Headlines I Want to See During RNC Week

by MICHAEL KROLL, guest blogger

1. HURRICANE RAINS ON MCCAIN'S PARADE
2. JOE BLOWS MCCAIN'S CAUCUS
3. HATE TALK SEXPRESS

4. SOUR MILF

5. HALF-BAKED ALASKAN

6. ALASKAN GRIPELINE
7. Prisoners Of Wow! / Princess Of Wow! / P.O.W.owsers! (Caption: Palin's Wo-Manifesto Takes RNC Prisoner)

8. N.H.L - NO HEAD LICKING (Caption: Hockey Mom Gets Penalty for Unsportsmanlike Grooming)

9. ALASKAN 'RIPE'-LINE (Caption: Palin Brings Filthy Family to RNC)

10. BABYHEADGATE

Overheard on 14th Street

Mother: "And what if you were an AIRPLANE?"
Small Girl: "Noooo! Stop it!"

Lies I've Heard at the Republican Convention (So Far)

1. "After 8 years, I know what it takes to be president"
2. His "beautiful wife" Cindy
3. "Fully qualified"
4. From the "great state" of Alaska
5. "So he called for more troops, and now we're winning"
6. "A man who never quits is never defeated"
7. An increasingly belligerent "Russia"
8. "Senator" Fred Thompson
9. "American" flags
10. "Freedoms"


[Posted today on 23/6]

Things I Should Really Know How To Do At My Age

1. Remove an ice cube from the ice cube tray without dropping all of them on the floor