Virginia Towns We Drove Past, Pt. 2

1. Ladysmith
2. Golansville
3. McDuff
4. Ruther Glen
5. Doswell
6. Gum Tree
7. Heaths Store
8. French Hay
9. Tappahannock
10. Mechanicsville

[p.s. these are all real]

Virginia Towns We Drove Past Yesterday

1. Shirlington
2. Occoquan
3. Dumfries
4. Falmouth
5. Culpeper
6. Spotsylvania
7. Massaponax
8. Thornburg
9. Nancy Wrights Corner
10. Blantons

Some Things I am Taller Than

1. Coffee tables
2. Fruit
3. Most animals (but not bears, horses, or gorillas)
4. Most babies
5. Kitchen appliances except for fridge
6. Park benches
7. My bicycle
8. My roommate Rachel by 1"
9. That pile of newspapers over there
10. Evan when he is sitting down and I am not

Monday Mailbag!

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Does he love me? I want to know! How can I tell if he loves me so?

-Cher


Dear Cher,

It's in his kiss. That's where it is!

***

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Your website is gay.

-Ballz_d33p


Dear Ballz,

Well! I never! In my life!

American Things That Should Have Never Been Exported to Australia

by SOJOURNER, guest blogger

1. KMart
2. Baskin Robbins ice cream (Why not Ben and Jerry's?)
3. Target
4. Rap music (It just doesn't sound right with the Ozzie accent.)
5. The phrase "word to your mother"
6. Payless Shoes (Which you actually don't pay less for, cause they're imported.)
7. Domino's Pizza (Um, is it even good back home?)
8. So You Think You Can Dance: Australia

[Read more about Sojourner's sojourns here.]

Overheard in the A train

College-aged girl, to her friend: Yeah, no, the sublet was cool, or I could tell it was gonna be cool, after we got rid of all the, like, old lady things everywhere, but then she said that we had to keep the landline and pay the bill for it, which, of course, was like, morally...soul-crushing. So I'm not gonna take it. Plus it smelled like old hippies.

To-Do: Tattoos I Want to Get

1. Nicolas Cage's face, life-sized, superimposed on my face
2. Big bug on my eyelid, cuz that's bad-ass
3. Studio portrait of my future family
4. Siskel & Ebert's Thumbs Up / Thumbs Down logo
(on my boobs)
5. Musical score of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
6. MTA subway map, just for convenience
7. Phone numbers & addresses of ex-boyfriends
8. Chinese character for "ironic"
9. My latest rejection letter from McSweeney's
10. A frowning baby head on my bicep

Celebrities My Boss Has His Arm Around in Photographs Hanging in His Office

1. Bill Clinton
2. Joe Biden
3. Jerry Springer
4. Michelle Branch
5. Casey Kasem

Hi, folks

Apologies for the lapse, there, my dear readers.... After the election and some job-shifting here at the radio, not to mention a full acre and a half of giant redwoods that wasn't going to chop/de-branch/log/float down a river all by themselves, I needed a bit of a breather.

But I would like to share this radio show I produced for Soundcheck, featuring two guests talking about the search for folk music, then and now; namely, by the labels Smithsonian Folkways and Dust to Digital. Featuring some great tunes by Woody Guthrie, Leadbelly, and some amazing gospel tunes that you've almost certainly never heard before. Enjoy, yall! Be back tomorrow with more logs, er, I mean, lists.

Best Things to Say While Putting Your Hand to Your Face

1. I am shocked that you said that!
2. Dios mio!
3. Do I have a fever?
4. Ow, that hit me squarely in the face.
5. The Dow is dropping again.
6. I am scared of that ghost over there.
7. Shh, I am thinking and/or sleeping.
8. My cheeks feel fat.
9. [Yawn]
10. Don't look at me, hide your eyes, for I am hideous.

ObamaPerks

Overheard at work yesterday:
Woman: Did you know that if you go into a Starbucks and you say "I voted," they give you a free coffee? And at Dunkin' Donuts you get a free donut, and at Ben n' Jerry's you get a free ice cream cone.
Man: Why can't I just lie and say I voted when I didn't?
Woman: You can.
Man: This is the best country ever. I love America.

Overheard in the street late last night:
Boy: Yo, you going to school tomorrow?
Girl: Hell no! Obama just gave us the day off!

It's over!

Stevie Wonder is pumping through the speakers of Obama camps across the country, people are literally dancing in the streets outside my house, and I find myself unable to snark any more on this fine evening. Goodnight from the Lonesome Lumberjack.

Live-snarking.

Hey folks, took me a while to get warmed up but I've been live-blogging the election coverage for Air America here. Cable news, verdict: Ridiculous. Electoral votes: Almost certain.

Is something important happening today? I can't remember.

Voting Booth Checklist!

Hey! Election Day is exciting, and you might forget things! So when you leave the house to go vote today, keep this checklist handy! First you have to decide whether you're a Democrat (D) or a Republican (R), so if you don't know yet, you might want to get on that, ok!

BRING A FORM OF ID, JUST IN CASE:
Democrats - Drivers license and a utility bill
Republicans - T.G.I.F. punch card, Buy 9 Jalapeno Popper Platters and Get 1 Free!

TO LISTEN TO ON THE WAY THERE:
(D) - iPod, tuned to Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Stevie Wonder
(R) - Windows Zune, tuned to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence

TO READ WHILE WAITING IN LINE:
(D) - The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein and a copy of The New Yorker
(R) - The Washington Times editorial page, the childrens' book Everybody Poops, and a pile of Bazooka wrappers

TO BRING INTO THE BOOTH:
(D) - Cellphone with video camera to record your vote being immediately flipped to McCain
(R) - Trifocals on a red rhinestone chain and your lucky autographed picture of Jason Robards

AND DON'T FORGET TO WEAR:
(D) - A big Obama/Biden pin
(R) - A cloud of rage and self-loathing

[cross-posted on 236.com and AirAmerica.com]

Small Request

Dear Barack Obama,

Please sponsor my blog. You are going to be a totally awesome Prez! And you probs have a lot of money that you won't need at all in like, a day or so, right? You've got an army of college kids who only cost you a couple Clif bars a day and demand only an I-heart-Obama magnet for their dorm mini-fridges in return for their tireless, 24/7 haranguing of swing state voters. Thanks, Barack Obama! You can express your support for my blog in the form of $600 million.

Best regards,
Lonesome Lumberjack