Friday, August 29, 2008

Names Game!

by JONATHAN KIRCHNER, guest blogger

Pick which 5 of the following 10 names belong to Republican VP pick Sarah Palin's children! If you get all 5 correct without looking them up, you win a visit from our newest site sponsor, a trailer truck of Oreo cookies!


Update: Correct answers are Bristol, Trig, Willow, Piper, and Track. But it looks like there's gonna be another Palin baby soon, so these names are still in vote is for Grout. (ed)

How I'm Celebrating Michael Jackson's 50th Birthday

1. Shopping for tuxedo jackets and pajama pants
2. Climbing a tree in Central Park; buying it (the park)
3. Writing a sweet, sad song of betrayal entitled "Martin Bashir"
4. Giving birth to some kids that are biologically unrelated to me
5. Dressing up as an Egyptian princess and then dissolving into a pile of sand
6. Buying out the theater for "Peter Pan" on Broadway; taking all my bodyguards to see it
7. Moonwalking on a ferris wheel with my pet giraffe while twirling a parasol and singing nursery rhymes
8. Installing a combination Ms. Pac-Man/Sno-Cone Machine in every room I enter, all day
9. Listening to Off the Wall again and feeling bad about writing this list
10. Taking a look at the man in the mirror

[Posted today on The Huffington Post.]

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Overheard on the Radio

Caller: Gas prices keep going up, it's like crazy, so what I do is, I shop around for the cheapest gas, in my case it's a Sunoco in the next town over, and I buy a $100 gas card, and so then no matter where I go, I use that!

Host:'re still paying $100 no matter what.

Caller: [...]

Host: If the price of gas goes up or down, you'll just get either more or less gas for your money. Paying in advance doesn't really do anything.

Caller: No, cuz like, I only pay, uh...

Host: No, because...see...

Caller: uh.....


[dial tone]

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Treehouse Requirements

by EVAN SIMKO-BEDNARSKI, guest blogger

1. Bricked-in wine cellar
2. Rope elevator
3. Fireplace & chimney
4. Steam and/or gears
5. Calvin Johnson
6. Monkey, monkey bridges
7. Gunwales
8. Common law
9. Maths
10. Friends!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Historical Figures I Most Identify With

1. J. Edgar Hoover
2. Cleopatra
3. Trotsky
4. Julia Child
5. Wolf Blitzer
6. Mozart
7. Jose Cuervo
8. Jane Eyre
9. Lewis (NOT Clark)
10. Michael Phelps

Monday, August 25, 2008

Top 5 Recent Dreams

by EMILIJA GUOBYTE, guest blogger

1. Digging for shoes in a sandstorm
2. Living in a tree-village
3. Raccoon-rat is my baby
4. I am Batman / cave-diving
5. My essay is due and my professor is John McCain

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The only time in history that vomit
was not funny.

My posts have been sparse this week because I've had tons of work things to do, er, trees to saw.... I wanted to share with you one of those work things, which was my first freelance gig for WNYC. I produced the first half of yesterday's episode of "Soundcheck," scripting an interview with the author of an excellent Jimi Hendrix biography who presented new evidence that Hendrix did not die of an accidental overdose, but was, in fact, ' wine'.

Intrigued? You can listen to the show here -- complete with righteous tunes that I very much enjoyed picking out.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Overheard in a Starbucks off of Route 95

Tall Man: Madam, take dictation, please! Ahem. Dear Starbucks, it has come to my attention and concern that you no longer have in your repertoire those little sensual chocolate-covered graham crackers. These crackers have punctuated many a road trip, alcohol-infused late-night bender and love affair with the sweet sense of belonging that only a well-balanced dessert can bring. It is thus as your faithful consumer that I implore you to resume the sale of this spiritually-fulfilling snack. Most sincerely, Evan Michael Simko-Bednarski Esquire the First. Now, read that back to me please.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Movies I Could Have Made,
If I Had Wanted To

by CHRIS ROSEN, guest blogger

1. Transformers
2. Brideshead Revisited
3. Weekend at Bernie's 2
4. any Ice Cube movie
5. My Left Foot
6. Cloverfield
7. Juno
8. Rashoman
9. Mulan
10. Good Will Hunting

Read more of Chris' stuff here.
Have a contribution? Email me...

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Overheard in the Coffeeshop Where I Like to Work Quietly

Large Man: What the fuck! It's fucking hot as fuck in this fucking place!
Me: [...]
Large Man: Fuck! Why isn't my internet fucking...fuck!!
Me: [...]
Large Man: FUCKing...e-mail.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

McCain's Mispronouncers

Senator McCain got a lot of flack Monday for his speech in which he mispronounced the name of the President of Georgia several times, and stumbled over words like "hostility," "sovereignty," and "Asia." It's hard to keep track of all of McCain's mispronunciations, so here's a handy phonetic guide to the actual names and places, and McCain's recent mangling of them!

Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili --> Michael Shishkavooney
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin --> Valdemore Pooptin
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev --> Deemartire Madayvbiv
Russia --> Rishur
Georgia --> George's
Ossetia --> Hoss-tits-yeah
Abkhazia --> A-badz-kenya
Ukraine --> Oohkream
Caucasus --> Coccyxus
Gori --> Gooey
UN --> un
NATO --> Neato
The Baku-Tblisi-Ceyhan Oil Pipeline --> [Just grins uncomfortably and then tells a dirty joke about his wife.]

Posted today on 23/6

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

To-Do: Lists To Do

1. Categories of Local News B-Roll I Do Not Want to Be Featured In
2. New Holidays
3. New Insults
4. Best Puns Using the Word 'Face'
5. Worst Barns
6. Food Combinations to Try
7. Equestrian "Dont's"
8. Barbie Outfits I Wish Existed
9. Words That Remind Me of the Future
10. Multi-national trillion-dollar corporations I plan on taking down, one by one, with the sheer force of my personality

Monday, August 11, 2008

Best Times/Places to Wear a Coonskin Cap

1. Church
2. Bed
3. While filled with regret
4. While also wearing a coonskin onesie
5. Job interview at
6. L.A.
7. Your kids' piano recital
8. The Internet
9. Nude beach
10. Always O'Clock

[Thanks to reader Dan for the suggestion of this list category. Have an idea for a list? Let me know...]

Friday, August 8, 2008

Site Sponsor #2

Dear Supercuts,

Please sponsor my blog. Your hair salons regularly provide me with not-that-bad haircuts for under $20, and I never have to wait in line because no other woman in New York City seems to trust you with their heads (of hair). Your hairstylists are polite, but do not make unnecessary small talk, and they never remain employed with you for very long, thus making my anxiety of having to choose between them moot, for every time I arrive it's a spanking new staff of brusquely competent coiffers. Your website also reinforces for me that I am "smarter than average" for choosing you for my haircut needs. Wow, brand new bangs and a blowdry AND a boost of self-confidence? Yes, please!

As my bonafide site sponsor you may send your support in the form of the three remaining stamps that I need to complete my "Get 8 haircuts and your 9th is free!!" card. Alternately, you may send a gift-card, which your website teases with the challenge to "Give the gift of looking hot." I'll say! Thanks, Supercuts!

Best regards,
Lonesome Lumberjack

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Best Ways to Change the Subject When a Conversation is Not Going Well

1. Spontaneous weeping/howling/radio sound effects combo
2. "I just remembered that I have to BUY CEREAL!!!"
3. Cat imitations
4. "I'm sorry, I don't know who you are, or where I am, or what my name is. Bye!"
5. Make a gesture towards a hug with the other person, then pick them up, fireman's-carry them to a lake and drop them in it
6. Ask to borrow the other person's chapstick, swallow it, go straight to the hospital
7. Triple-spring backflip (into traffic)
8. Take a 100-dollar bill out of your wallet, point to Ben Franklin, say "That's my Dad", light it on fire
9. C+C Music Factory?
10. "That reminds me of something funny my car said yesterday..."

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

You Make Me Wanna Shout

I was just looking for clips of my radio work to pitch a freelance piece, and I found this link to my entry into the Public Radio Talent Quest, in which I do my best NPR impression and interview my friend Jake about a humiliating pre-teen experience at a Bar Mitzvah. With music by Arizona. What's not to love? (I did not win.)

Mailbag #3

Dear Lonesome Lumberjack,

Can you help my kid get into college?


Desperate Dad

Dear Desperate,

Whee!!! Absolutely!?

To-Do: Theme Parties I Want to Throw

1. Upside-Down Drinks Party
2. Old Navy! Sale! Party
3. Only One Person Allowed in Each Room Party
4. Bring a Harlem Globetrotter Party
5. Make a Face Like Your Upper Lip is Missing Party
6. Help Me Do My Taxes Party
7. Champagne N' Pancakes
8. Use Every Part of the Wooly Mammoth Party
9. Cheez-Its Everywhere?
10. Drink and Say Things You Don't Mean to the Ones You Love Party

Monday, August 4, 2008

C Train Highlight

Let's get a close-up of that...