My Grandmother's First Ten Status Updates Upon Joining Facebook

1. Feb. 10: Mary is being old and milking it for all it's worth!
2. Feb. 15: Mary is scratching her head! Can I not become Mary Joan?
3. Feb. 16: Mary is Wondering how to put my photo into FaceBook. It is not digital?
4. Feb. 17: Mary is amazed that she has found the "Friend Requests" I hope that now I am officially Nick's friend????
5. Feb. 18: Mary is lost! Thhis FaceBook does not use Verizon so I made up a yahoo one. I wrote it down along with my Password. Now they day the password in incorrect! The sky i.
6. Feb. 19: Mary is really Mary Joan!
7. Feb. 25: Mary Joan is getting ready to watch Duke beat Maryland! [Comment: Mary Joan Kirchner likes this.]
8. Mar. 1: Mary Joan is wide awake at 1:53 AM! I have so many things to think about!
9. Mar. 1: Mary Joan is home from church and ready for a nap.
10. Mar. 3: Mary Joan is waiting to see the new episode of John Adams and knit a new dish cloth.

[Note: I did not make these up. She is awesome.]

Titles of Conversations Overheard Recently

1. Oh My God Shut Up No Way Oh My God
2. Wolverine Was Too in The Avengers
3. "I Am a Crazy Person": The Musical
4. Get In the Stroller Right Now
5. I Know Bro, No One's Hiring: That's the Way It Is
6. Let's All Argue About How Much We'd Pay a Prostitute For a B.J.
7. Yeah Man I Freakin LOVE Van Gogh: An Insistence
8. You a Pretty Young Thing, You Don't Wanna Talk, Alright
9. Let's Debate Whether the Girl at Work is Cute-Pregnant or Fat-Pregnant
10. WHAT is that smell.

Things I Know I Should Do More Often

1. Floss
2. Express my emotions

Best First Date Ideas

1. The Tyra Banks Show
2. Clean out attic
3. Public library
4. Rent U-Haul, just drive
5. Go to church
6. Blood Oaths
7. Deception Island, Antarctica: 62 57' S, 60 38' W
8. Visit Mom in the hospital
9. Local community college acapella concert
10. Survive plane crash in the Hudson together

Places/Things I Have Gotten Kicked Out Of

1. Age 9: Dance team performing the song "Pink Cadillac" by Bruce Springsteen at the Great Falls Elementary School talent show (I did not learn the dance)
2. Age 10: 5th Grade classroom (for laughing)
3. Age 13: 8th Grade classroom (for telling my teacher that he was being patronizing)
4. Age 14: A "Claire's" Accessory Store (my friends and I were taking pictures of each other wearing their tiaras without buying anything)
5. Age 17: 11th Grade classroom (for laughing)
6. Age 18: College improv group (was not funny enough at the time)
7. Age 19: A Long Island grocery store (for trying to buy beer by pretending to be a German exchange student who could not speak English when asked for my ID)
8. Age 20: My first long-term relationship in college (he got bored)
9. Age 21: A London bus (had not bought a ticket)
10. Age 24: Job at a toddler gym on the Upper East Side (refused to talk to kids in a high-pitched baby voice)

Fever-Dream I Had Last Night That Made Me Laugh When I Woke Up

I brought my old clunky PC desktop to an Apple-store-type help desk, where a stunningly beautiful blonde lady was going to help me repair my computer. After checking things out for a while she shook her head and said that she was sorry, but my anti-virus software did a sweep of my files and found my resume, from which it deduced that I was trying to be an actress, and that the computer diagnostic concluded that I required a nosejob and facelift and spray-tan before it would allow her to do any repairs. "I'm sorry," she said, "I can't override it; you know how anti-virus software is. You're going to have to just do it." And I was sent away with my broken computer in an unwieldy bundle in my arms.

Misappropriated Literary Reference of the Day

[This is a real MTA NYC Subway ad...thanks to this blog for the pic.]

Surprisingly Still in Style

1. Suntans
2. Dating
3. Keds
4. Led Zeppelin
5. Candles that smell like things
6. The phrase "get a life"
7. Actresses with eating disorders
8. Big plastic glasses frames
9. Guilt
10. Window blinds

Best Sports Team Mascots

1. The Fighting Methodists
2. The Crying Crows
3. The Glaring Owls
4. The Blood-thirsty Patriots
5. The Green Beavers
6. The Approaching Storm
7. The Tall Glass of Milk
8. The Unfounded Aggression
9. The Yellow Fever
10. The Scared Baby Sharks

*[#1 and 6 are real.]

Things I’ve Stuck My Face Into That I Shouldn’t Have

by TRAVIS RAVE, guest blogger

1. A swinging door
2. Bleu cheese dressing
3. Coat ownership argument
4. Photo finish
5. Chicken pot pie
6. Gnome thievery
7. Cauldron (“witch’s”)
8. Glue factory
9. Wedding cake (not mine)
10. Cat food (smelled like turkey…did not taste like turkey)