Site Sponsor #3

Dear D.L. Jardine's Foods,

Please sponsor my blog. Your peach salsa, a distinctive blend of sun-ripened peaches and smoky jalapenos, is, as advertised, not too hot, not too sweet. I can absolutely understand why your Original Peach Salsa has won a 1st Place award from Chili Pepper Magazine's Fiery Foods Challenge, and American Taste Award of Excellence and a 1st place Scovie Award from Fiery Foods Magazine. You promised me that, with one bite, I'd be blazing a path to the bottom of the jar in no time. And you delivered on that promise, D.L. Jardine's, you delivered tenfold. You may send your support for my blog in the form of a six-pack of 16.5 oz jars of your delicious Peach Salsa; alternately, I will accept your Chuckwagon Seasoning Sampler and not complain.

Regards,
Lonesome Lumberjack

The Small Joys of Data Cleanup

by LAURA McMILLAN, guest blogger

Names in my workplace's email activist database I think are spam:
Mr. Mature Slut
Ms. Pantyhose Sex
Mr. Fabric Fabric
Mrs. Ringtones Ringtones
Mr. Teen Voyeur
Sluts Sierra
Psycho Parade
Razoo Razoo
hhlmlyeqda hhlmlyeqda
Mr. cheap phentermine Rodrigues

Names I think are real:
Larry Thickey
Noble Barker
Moosa Raffey
Donna Shookus
Tom Cheeseman
Rob Roy McGregor

Names I am unsure about:
Mrs. Magnolia Mallard
Hoc X. Cao
Dagger Rapp
Stephen Fry
Xalman Nalchimously
Nmpa

Party Fouls

1. Dropping an entirely full and just-opened 40 on a hard kitchen floor (I have done this)
2. Falling asleep on the floor at the height of the party (I have also done this)
3. Bringing "Axis and Allies," expectantly
4. Marriage proposals, divorce proposals
5. Dog-whistle race politics
6. Selling magazine subscriptions
7. Spin art
8. High school fight songs
9. Menstruation
10. Television repair

Overheard Recently on NPR

by ELIZABETH BOUDREAU, guest blogger

I.) Economy explainer: "The problem, what's really going on here, is that the banks have underwritten some bad loans and now they don't have enough capital to cover their a... their... their.... debts!"

II.) Melissa Block: "This is All Things Considered on NPR, I'm Robert S -- I'm Melissa Block."

Best Conversation-Starting Lies

1. I have a glass eye!
2. I saw Beck on the subway on my way to work this morning. He looked sad.
3. I have two glass eyes.
4. I have a fiberglass face. Go on, touch it!
5. I can recite a full Catholic mass in the original Latin.
6. I don't really think domestic abuse is that big of a deal. Is that weird?
7. I actually really like Josh Groban's music. Yes, it's true, I would go to a concert of his if I had the chance.
8. I have more money than I know what to do with. Any ideas?
9. I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you, too, have a glass eye.
10. Hi, so nice to meet you.

Google Ad of the Day

Barack Obama: Yes or No?
10-Second Poll.
www.openpinion.com/Barack-Obama>

Sustainable Inventions

1. Grass-and-Peat Laptop
2. Recycled Peanut Butter
3. Grow-Your-Own Car Exhaust Machine
4. Electric-Powered Water Bottle
5. Solar-Powered Bed

Nauseating

1. The smell of cooked broccoli
2. The sight of people making out on my morning commute

Kitsch!

1. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
2. Box wine
3. Driftwood
4. Phoenix, AZ
5. Jimmy Fallon
6. Those clown pants that chefs wear
7. Pecan pie
8. Walking on sidewalks in large groups
9. Religious pamphlets
10. Ska

Recent Events in the News I Would Like to Formally Apologize and/or Take Credit For

1. Wal-Mart Customer in Mass. Finds Teeth in Wallet

2. US Research Suggests that Mental Powers Decline At Age 27

3. Woman Buys Used Couch and Finds Living Cat Inside

4. John Mayer Twitters About His Feelings, Writes "This heart didn't come with instructions"

5. Tourist at Nudist Colony Refuses to Take Clothes Off and Causes a Mini-riot